The power of the sparkly

A couple of weeks ago I lamented the fact that beginning sometime after the kids go back to school our retail establishments go into Holiday Shopping Overdrive. Mainly, I was upset that Halloween and Thanksgiving were basically overlooked in favor of Christmas. It seemed to me that Christmas items are being put out earlier and earlier each year, and that if it kept going at the rate it was, in about 24.9 years we would just get to the place where Christmas shopping would pretty much be an all year round thing.

So, now that Halloween is out of the way and Thanksgiving is upon us, retailers are unashamedly kicking their Christmas pitches up a few notches. I'm now noticing more advertisements specifically pushing the Christmas retail button. It's not good enough that Best Buy has plasma TVs for 20 percent off. Now, it's 20 percent off, and a great Christmas present for the man in your life!! Everything now has the jingling of sleigh bells in the background, and regardless of whether or not you live in the desert or the mountains, all the ads now show insanely happy people dressed in attire appropriate for a sub-arctic climate lugging around armfuls of packages, implying that they are generous folk intent on making everyone in their gift giving circles happier than a pig in shit. What's interesting to me is that merely two weeks ago, the same insanely happy people were decked out in fashionable autumn attire, showing off their impeccable fashion sense, lugging around armfuls of packages that they bought to satisfy their need to outdo their cubicle neighbor in the office by having the latest in "hot fashion." Please. Like the fucking soundtrack makes people suddenly spend copious amounts of money on everyone else, sacrificing their own desires to own said spiffy outfit.

And that's the thing about the holidays that really kills me: the advertisements. And there is nobody I feel sorrier for during the holiday season than the male species of our planet. With the exception of Mother's Day, Christmas has to be the most stressful time of the year for a man. I'm not talking about the actual stressors or going to a mall that is jam packed with angry bargain hunters and snotty seasonal salespeople. True, their shopping experience could possibly have been made easier and less stressful by the sheer act of shopping at least two weeks before the big day, not just two hours before you're supposed to show up at Aunt Betty's with presents for the whole family. I'm talking again about how advertisers really kick the shit out of the men in our lives. Let's analyze this, shall we?

One of the things I've noticed is that the type of advertisement that suddenly seems to increase by two thousand percent is for jewelry. What woman doesn't like something shiny in a small box at Christmas? I mean, there's a reason they say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." We're basically like crows. We like shiny shit, and the shinier the better. It doesn't matter if we actually need it. (Because really, who does?) We just like to have it. And the more shiny shit we get, the happier we're supposed to be. Now, here's the kicker: there is an unwritten rule somewhere that the love a man has for a woman is directly proportionate to the size of the sparkly that she's getting. And that puts a lot of stress on a guy. They know we like the expensive jewelry, and they want to buy it for us. Problem is, when you get to the store they have the exact same piece of jewelry in five different carat weights. You can afford the second from the bottom of the pile and no more, but the salesperson is pretty adept at making you feel like you're worthless and your woman and all your friends and her co-workers will KNOW that you don't REALLY care about her unless you get her the BIGGEST of the five.

I know all this to be true because it's a situation that has come up many times in my relationship with my husband. This year will be the seventh Christmas we've spent together. Every year, he wants to get me something sparkly. And every year I do nothing to discourage this desire. In fact, I even leave him little hints as to which particular sparkly I like. But, people who know me also know I don't particularly care for huge sparklies or lots of sparklies. I have my eye on a few pieces here and there that if I end up acquiring at some point my lifetime I'd be happy. (And honey, if you're reading this, what remains on the list is that two carat total weight diamond stud earring set.) And yet, when I do pick out something I like, he usually asks me, "Don't you want the bigger one?" Take our wedding jewelry for example. I wanted a simple one carat solitaire diamond on a plain white gold setting, with a plain white gold band. But he wouldn't hear of it. Now I have a two carat total weight platinum and diamond wedding set. I'm not complaining at all! It's a beautiful set, and I'm proud to be wearing it. But do you know why I got it? Because when we looked at the solitaires, he said, "I can't buy you that. It's not sparkly enough."

Now, most women reading this will probably want to slap me for actually trying to convince him at one point that I really only wanted the plain setting. I mean, who turns down a nice big sparkly in favor of a smaller, maybe not so sparkly? But, I don't like gaudy jewelry. I'm a simple girl with simple pleasures. But, my husband is convinced that somewhere along the lines I will be subject to humiliation and ridicule because he didn't get me the biggest and most expensive sparkly the store had to offer.

Personally, I think this is a stupid thing to worry about. But the advertisers, if you watch the commercials carefully, feed this feeling of "I must get her the biggest or she will think I don't love her." Don't believe me? How about we forget about the actual advertisement in question for a moment and look at just the slogans jewelry companies use:

Kay Jewelers: "Every kiss begins with Kay." Yes. "Kiss" does begin with the letter "K." But the implication here is that if you want kisses from your honey (and hopefully a lot more later after the kids are put to bed and Aunt Betty finally gets her drunk ass out of your house), it starts out with a little box with the words "Kay" written across it.

Zales: "The diamond store." Did you know that Zales sells things other than diamonds? You wouldn't know it to look at their slogan. It's almost saying, "Sure, you could buy her that really pretty sterling silver necklace that you think would look stunning on her, but if you don't buy her a diamond pendant instead, you can kiss that under the mistletoe blowjob goodbye."

Shaw's Jewelers: "Go straight to the heart." Because really, women are SO shallow that the only way to show her that you love her is to buy her a piece of jewelry. Men attempt to get their women something that they are promised will go straight to her heart in the hopes that after she opens the box, she'll go straight to the bedroom. (As a side note, I'm always amazed that men actually believe that a gift of jewelry will automatically mean they will get sex later. It's cute, really.)

Helzberg Diamonds: "Moments that sparkle." Apparently, the only time that a moment will sparkle in a woman's mind is when she's give presents from a jewelry store. It doesn't matter that you actually come home to her every night, give her your paycheck, tell her you love her without fail and don't leave that big of a mess in the bathroom. Those little gems pale in comparison to the one that is tucked inside the "famous purple box."

I could go on and on, but I don't want to belabor the point. Besides, it's not just the men that this kind of advertisement affects. Somewhere along the way women became susceptible to the "bigger is better" fallacy. How many women out there agonize over whether their engagement ring is .05 carats larger than their best girlfriend's? Or, a few days after Christmas has passed, how many women talk about what they got in condescending tones to their friends, convinced that their husband loves them more than their friend's husband loves their friend because they got the five carat total weight diamond tennis bracelet, while her friend only got five gold bangle bracelets. It's sickening, really. If you are stupid enough to tie up the value of your man's love by carat weight you have some serious issues and the money he spent buying your ungrateful ass that honking diamond should have gone to shock treatments and some special pills.

So what's to be done? Am I saying that women shouldn't want gifts of jewelry, and men shouldn't buy their women gifts of jewelry? No. If you love her and you're sure that piece would look fabulous on her, buy it. But don't buy the biggest one just because you think it will "prove" to her how much you love her. If she's smart and you're not an asshole, she'll already know how much you love her.

And ladies, if you want your man to get you that cute little ruby set you've been looking at for the past year, then you're going to have to forego romantic notions of your husband telepathically picking up your thoughts and actually tell him yourself that you want that cute little ruby set. I'm sorry, but men just don't automatically know these things. They're kinda clueless when it comes to stuff like that, so get over yourself and just tell him what you want. Or, if you still want to be surprised, do what I do: Go into the store or online, pick three or four different things in the same price range that you really like, and let him pick from there. Then he feels like he's actually made the right choice and will certainly be looking forward to seeing your eyes sparkle as much as the gift he's giving you, and hopes that you'll look up at him in joy and love and because of how much you love it he'll get the best sex of the year.

Unless, of course, you're a complete alcoholic womanizing asshole douchebag. Then it is absolutely imperative that you pay attention to all the advertisements and get her the biggest fucking rock in the store. With earrings to match.

Marie has a raging case of ADD and shiny things ALWAYS attract her attention, as do squirrels and rock stars. Write to her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com because she needs one more thing to be distracted with.

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