Tidings of comfort and joy

At last, the Christmas season is upon us. Everywhere you go there are happy songs playing in the background, reminding us about how wonderful this time of year is. There are pretty decorations, parties, gatherings of family and friends and the universal encouragement to be loving, caring, giving and happy. Take holiday advertisements, for example. They are full of smiling people, gleefully exchanging gifts, hugs and other forms of affection. There is always joyful or sentimental music in the background. You're supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy when you watch them. With the exception of the more humorous ones, holiday cards also espouse this feeling of goodwill and joy. And all across the land people are making plans to spend some quality time with loved ones that they may not have connected with much through the year, and you can bet that there will be lots of presents, good food, good drink, laughter and generally merrymaking.

It's enough to give me cavities just thinking about it.

It's also enough to give me a raging migraine of gargantuan proportions. It's not the usual stress that goes into the holiday planning that gets to me. I am fairly lucky in that I'm not usually called upon to put out the holiday feast, so I get off pretty lucky in that respect. What really twists my tits this time of year is that despite all the show of love and kindness around us, people that you will run into during the holiday season are usually anything but kind and friendly. In fact, they are downright evil fuckbags.

People who know me know that in general I do not like people. In my opinion, the people you generally meet are not people that I would want to have anything to do with in my personal life. I have been lucky enough to have met people that were, in fact, really nice, and that's why they are still my friends. But mostly the people that I come in contact with while going about my daily routine are utter assholes. Commuting every day to work in a big city in the United States is enough to make anyone a cynic of basic human nature. People will argue that ultimately people really are good deep down inside their souls. I think those people should be bitch slapped before being pushed down a long flight of stairs. With the exception of the few individuals lucky enough to be counted as my friends, I believe people are really shitty deep down inside their souls.

Wait a minute, you might say. Look at all the good things people do in the world. Yes, I acknowledge that there are good people in the world that do very good things for other people and for the planet. The problem is that I don't have the good fortune of running into them on a daily basis. What I do come in contact with every day are jerkoffs that seem to do everything in their power to make your day miserable. And chances are, you run into these people quite often as well. They are the morons that cut you off in traffic, or don't let you merge. They are the ones that will run for the elevator and not hold it for you, even though you're four steps behind them. They are the ones that will shove you aside to grab a seat on the train without regard for the elderly that are also riding. They are the bosses and supervisors that are overly demanding, and sometimes downright cruel, and treat you like you aren't worth the air you're breathing. They are the ones that in general make everyone else's life a daily misery, and it's most likely because their own lives suck so bad they have to spread the venom before it consumes them entirely.

But all of this negativity runs completely contrary to what the "Christmas Spirit" is all about. So in the spirit of giving and helpfulness, I am providing all the assholes that read this article a bit of friendly advice on how not to be a complete moronic shit for brains this holiday season:

1. Walk a little further to the mall. If you see a woman driving a car full of small children, why not let you take the spot you just happened to see open up? Your graciousness will undoubtedly make her happy, and the few extra steps it takes for you to get to your retailer of choice will help you get rid of that lard ass you've been lugging around all year. The world will not end if you have to park on the grass in the back lot. That's what it's there for. You're wasting time driving around the same three aisles waiting for someone to walk to their car so you can stalk them at two miles per hour until they load up all their shit and you can pull in. This causes traffic jams, which make everyone else around you pissed off.

2. Be courteous and patient with salespeople. Chances are they have been working their asses off dealing with demanding and overly loud shits like you all day, and they don't need you adding to the chaos. Retail employees have the worst lives this year, and no matter what their fancy company policy states, they do not live and breathe just to serve your dumb ass. Actually walk around the store and look for your special item before bothering an already overburdened salesperson. And, when you do go ask them for help, realize that you're just number 27 of the 52 people that need that salesperson's help and make a mental note that you WILL have to wait for them to help you.

3. Plan ahead to avoid added stress. Rushing around the mall two hours before you're supposed to be at a holiday party will not do you any good. What it will do is cause you to be one of those charging elephants that go stampeding through stores knocking over carefully stacked merchandise displays and small children. It causes you to flail wildly as you dig through piles of possible gifts looking for something suitable to give to that weird dude in accounting that you never really liked anyway. Then, when you have finally settled on an item, you make a beeline for the register, only to again have to wait. Tapping your foot, sighing loudly and making snide remarks won't make the line go any faster.

4. Hold the door for people. It's a simple, gracious gesture that often gets overlooked in our society. And I don't care if you're a man or a woman. Both sexes can be equally nice in this way. If you see someone coming, no matter if you're loaded down with packages or not, wait an extra 2.7 seconds for the people behind you. Nothing is more annoying than having a door slam in your face. I was entering my office building one day and a man entering the building turned to see if anyone was behind him. Seeing me, he quickly grabbed the door, opened it so slightly that he had to turn sideways to get through and then kept on walking. I couldn't believe what I just saw. That took the term "miserable assmunch" to a whole new level. Oh, and this advice applies to elevators as well. Will it kill you to hold the fucking elevator door for an extra one second?

5. Say "please" and "thank you." Other than giving birth to your sorry ass, your mother was usually right on most things. This included her admonitions to say "please" and "thank you" and other general niceties to the people around you. You would be surprised how far those two words will take you in life, especially when dealing with salespeople during the holidays. Use them often and indiscriminately. There is never a wrong time to say either phrase, with the possible exception of a prison rape scenario. But that's a different situation altogether, so you have no excuse not to at least be passably courteous to your fellow humans.

There are probably a thousand other things I could add to this list, like not to ask for help at a store gathering six different items and then not purchasing a single one, or not to park diagonally in a parking spot so as to not allow other cars near yours or to use deoderant liberally on a daily basis. But that would make this article longer than it needs to be. The fact that I have to write any of this at all, regardless of the time of year it is, is actually pretty pathetic. And it is because hundreds of people I come in contact with every day are like this all year long that I firmly believe that people really are not nice people in their soul of souls, but actually soulless emotional vampires, draining our life's energy bit by bit through their constant grinding down on our own weak attempts to be civil.

But we can beat them at their own game. If everyone would do the above five items at least once a day, you should be happy to find that some things in your life will begin to improve. Then, move up to doing these things more often than once a day. And your positive actions will have a ripple effect upon other people, and they will in turn be a little more inclined to pass on those positive vibes.

And if we can get enough people to do that, then maybe, just maybe, one day we'll have a Christmas like they keep promising us in those horrid songs that won't stop playing once Thanksgiving is over.

If you would like to send Marie some holiday cheer, drop her a line at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.

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