God's image

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this column are solely those of Ned Bitters and do not necessarily reflect the views of HoboTrashcan.

This week's inductee into the "Overrated Hall of Fame" is ... god's image.

I was reading an article in the newspaper a month or so ago about a woman who admitted in court to murdering her abusive husband. Just after a sympathetic judge gave her only parole, a violent thunderstorm erupted outside the courthouse. Several members of the dead man's family expressed their belief that this was God's way of voicing his displeasure with the verdict. I assume they were referring to the standard issue god, one with omnipotent powers, everlasting life and a crackerjack master plan for the world. It struck me as odd that a god can be badass enough to create an ever-expanding universe, but he can't get a trashy white woman convicted of a murder she confessed to in court. What's even more bizarre is, he apparently get's pissed about it.

Thoughts like this leave me to assume that maybe god isn't as divine and all-knowing and all-powerful as I'm always being told. Maybe that's because most religions assert that their god created man in his image. If that is so, then god must not only look like a man (yes, your god has a dick, if you're made in his image ... or a pussy, if you think god's a woman), but he must have a number of other human traits to boot. People are always assigning him the same frailties and character flaws that we humans have. Let's consider some of these rather ungodly qualities. (If any of this offends you, just consider my actions a part of that god's-master-plan thing I'm always hearing about. Or just turn the other cheek.)

Let's start with your visual image of the almighty. I bet you picture him with thick gray hair combed straight back, neatly styled with a few strands strategically left out of place. It might even appear to have the slightest bit of gel. (Go ahead, admit it. It's okay. You have pictured god's hair.) This finely tapered coif must mean that your god has a bit of an ego when it comes to the looks department, and that's not very godly. And if his hair is gray, that must mean he ages, and if he ages, that must mean that he is getting old, and if he is getting old, that must mean that he could some day die or at least fall into dementia. That should scare you more than just a little bit. Maybe the dementia has already started to set in, which would explain his personal instructions to George W. Bush to start the Iraq war in an effort to spread democracy through positive thinking, American resolve and carpet bombing. I had a senile old uncle who used to say shit like that. We put him in a special home.

This obsession with fine grooming doesn't end with god's slicked back, well-tailored locks. I bet you picture him with a beard, thick and full yet impeccably trimmed. If you picture your god with a smart, well tended beard, that means he has to trim it and shave around the edges, and maybe even apply some of that $19.99 beard-darkening lotion that's always advertised on cable channels. That smacks of midlife crisis, which smacks of ego, which I know your god is not too keen on. Why doesn't he just shave? I'll tell you why. Because shaving is the most loathsome act of grooming a man must do, which is one more indication that your god might be far from perfect if he gave himself the need to either groom his beard or take to his face with a dull Atra every day. (Then again, God can probably afford the Mach III. They cost a lot, but your god can afford it. He gets an allowance from the Catholic Church. They're flush and then some.)

In terms of attire, I bet you see your god dressed in a flowing, one-piece frock, white and spotless and, of course, trimmed with fancy gold lace. He's wearing sandals (why god needs footwear, I don't know, but in your mind he does, right?) and his toenails are trimmed and clean. In your image of the sandaled almighty, god's got fine looking toes, not those gnarly, thick-nailed beasts you see at airports alllll ... summerrrr ... longgggg. God tends to his toe jam.

Admit it, that's pretty close to how you picture him, right? If so, then your god has the human quality of pride. He seems to care one hell of a lot about his appearance, which is also the case with most people on the planet, save for Joe Walsh and Artie Lange. If your god puts so much effort into looking natty, how divine can he be? Wouldn't a perfect heaven have a humble god devoid of pride, not the foppish dandy you create in your mind? If he were indeed perfect, you should picture him naked with unkempt hair, eons-old B.O., a matted, nappy beard and a bit of a paunch. Because, after all, pride and vanity are sins.

When you think of your god's voice, what does it sound like? I bet it's a deep, resonant basso profundo, slow in cadence and mostly monotone. You know, the kind of voice adopted by the most boring ministers and priests, the ones who lull you to sleep before the first collection plate gets passed. If he really wanted people to listen to him, wouldn't he adopt a less sonorous tone, throwing in some inflection and punctuating his most important edicts with a bit more oomph? Maybe he should be a bit more expressive and show some excitement when he's giving us instructions on semi-serious matters such as how to avoid an eternity in hell. The voice you assign to your god couldn't hold the attention of your average eighth grade classroom for more than three minutes. Maybe you should imagine him giving out his laws in the voice of Bernie Mac. You can't ignore a voice like that, and he'd probably make it funny and even throw in a few "motherfuckers" for emphasis.

Your god's love and logic are as flawed as any human's. Sure, he can be a game guy and make things flow all smooth and easy from time to time, but other times he expresses this allegedly boundless love with all the warmth of a Nazi stormtrooper. If you're Christian, your god tells you that if you just believe in him and the fact that he sent his only kid to take one for Team Earth, then we'll go to heaven regardless of what kind of amoral shits we are on earth. What kind of bullshit set-up is that? The way I read it, Hitler could have repented that whole Holocaust thing and found Jesus just before offing himself, and all would have been forgiven, but the atheist who lives a life of altruistic human service and never hurts another creature has to go south for an eternity of fiery pain and torment. What kind of sixth grade logic is that? If a teacher tried to enforce a set of rules like that in her classroom, the parents would rebel and not allow their kids anywhere near such a stacked game. The best leaders never use fear to inspire, but your god sure seems to operate that way. It's either his way or the hellway. Saddam Hussein ruled this way and he ended up at the end of a rope. Your god rules this way and he gets props for being the guy who put Saddam Hussein at the end of that rope.

God also plays favorites, another human trait ... He's got his Moseses, his Abrahams, his television evangelists, and - I only quote here, I don't disparage - his "Chosen Ones," the Jews. A good CEO (and let's face it - that's what your god is, a CEO) promotes people based on ability and performance, yet top exec Moses couldn't follow the most simple instructions, and suck-up Abraham was just a scared little toady who was willing to do anything to please the boss. Both kept their jobs and remained in good favor with the head honcho. As for the poor Jews, any boss who would let his supposedly best employees go through so much shit for so many thousands of years, well, either OSHA would be on his ass, or he'd soon lose those best employees to another company. ("Oy vey, enough is enough. I hear Allah is hiring ...")

God can also be lazy, another human trait. (See: My waitress at the Outback Friday night.) Even when sending his most important messages, he doesn't do the deed himself, but instead sends one of his underlings. He even sat out the most important message of his career, that whole "Mary and I are pregnant!" thing, instead sending a winged lackey to deliver the no doubt traumatic news to the stunned couple. I think Joe and Mary deserved at least a personal visit from the guy who knocked her up, instead of a nighttime drop-in from a harp-toting courier. His "I'm saving all your sinning asses with this one" plan was the biggest move of his tenure as god, and all he sends is a dead guy in a halo. That's just laziness.

God also procrastinates, a human quality that this particular human knows all too well. The earth is between four and five billion years old, and god was here long before that. Yet he waits until just a few thousand years ago before he gets around to creating people, the animal who looks just like him? Had he gotten around to making little models of himself a little earlier, perhaps human progress could have advanced at a faster clip, and then I could have grown up with microwaves, DVDs and the Internet, instead of sitting on my ass every night watching bad comedies on one of the only four goddamn channels that were available when I was a kid.

You want one more human trait? How about the most absurd one: God has a temper, just like Bobby Knight whenever he's awake, Al Pacino when he overacts and my dad when Terry Bradshaw would throw an interception. Shouldn't the divine almighty, with all his talk of peace and tranquility, be beyond getting pissed off? One would think so, but to hear some religious yahoos (see: Robertson, Pat) tell it, he still gets hot under the collar sometimes. (See: 9/11 and Post-trial thunderstorms.) I guess I can understand this divine irritation, what with everyone asking him for stupid shit 24-7 and him having to carry so many poor, whining bastards along a sandy beach every time they hit a rough patch, but he's the one who set up and even encourages use of the 24-hour request line, so a little patience might be in order for the big guy. Try some yoga and meditation, dude. Anything to end those nasty post-trial thunderstorms.

Again, I don't mean to offend. (Well, maybe a little.) I just wish people would give religion a little more thought. Although I find all of them a crock, I am not against religion. It does serve a useful purpose. It keeps most people in line, which I'm all for. If you need to believe in an avuncular, yet vengeful human-shaped entity to keep you from raping my wife, stealing my shit and diddling my nephews and nieces, then by all means, believe believe believe. Go to church. Tithe. Sing spirituals. If it keeps your thieving hands off my car stereo, I'm all for your right to your little fantasy.

I, on the other hand, manage not to screw people over without the threat of some supposedly loving god ramming me into a burning eternity if I choose not to buy into all the small print of the Everlasting Life insurance policy. While I am quite spiritual in my own way, I choose not to believe that this whole shebang is being run by a guy who looks like an aging Anthony Quinn. If you think I'm headed to hell, feel free to say a prayer for me, but keep it short, because I don't want your god getting irritated on account of me. We've had enough rain around here lately.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.