Courageous, uglied up actresses

This week's inductee into the "Overrated Hall of Fame" is ... the courage of uglied up actresses.

I got my November issue of Esquire in the mail today. On the cover is Charlize Theron, whom the magazine has deemed this year's Sexiest Woman Alive. If you see the cover shot, as well as the three pictures inside, I don't think you'll dispute their decision. Don't tell me about how the shots are airbrushed and how they can doctor up the pictures to make her look better than she actually does. I don't care. I only go by what I see in the magazine. And I see hotness. Her sexiness oozes off the page. (At least I hope that's what's oozing off the page. It did arrive two days late, smelling like smoke, and my mailman is a Marlboro man. Hmmm.) She is looking infinitely fuckable. Even Larry Craig would sport wood if he checked her out between fits of restroom foot tapping.

This is the same actress who played that serial killer prostitute in the movie Monster. She gained weight and let the makeup and hair departments turn her into the most hideous looking movie prostitute since a pre-pubescent Jodie Foster donned those oversized tinted sunglasses in Taxi Driver. Theron's turn as an ugly murderess was considered brave, courageous and - please, say it ain't so! - potentially career-threatening. One big fat Oscar later, she still seems to be finding work. Gee, who would have guessed?

Nicole Kidman received the same kind of "ain't she brave" adulation when she plained herself up for The Hours, although I'm not sure how much bravery was required for her to look a little frumpy in a movie seen by all of eight people. Undaunted by expert speculation that the role could derail her multi-jillion dollar career, she courageously donned a prosthetic nose and proceeded to lull both people in the theater right to sleep. For her courage, she was paid millions. She also received a pretty gold statuette on Oscar night.

Hillary Swank, who looks kind of like a soft, hairless boy to begin with, had critics campaigning for her to get a Medal of Honor when she covered up all that stunning natural beauty to play a guy in Boys Don't Cry. How daring could that role have been, for chrissakes? The guy she was playing dressed and acted like a girl. Ooooh, call Gumby, because there's new king of the "stretch" in our midst. Her character looked sort of like, well, like Hillary Swank would look if she put on boys' clothes and cut her hair real short. She, or he, or whatever, got beaten up and killed in the movie, and two months later, she, still looking a bit like a he, got an Oscar. A few years later, Ms. Risk Taker walked the career plank again, this time going out on a Hollywood limb and toned herself into the best looking female boxer you've ever seen. (Don't believe me? Google-Image "Laila Ali's Opponents" and try jerking off to any one of them. Go ahead, give it a shot. I'll meet you and your severely chafed and still limp cock in the emergency room six hours from now.) The makeup pros slapped a few fake cuts and bruises on her face, and voila! - her Oscar mantle got more crowded.

Let's not forget the intrepid Renee Zellwegger, who was heralded as the most fearless actress this side of Helen Hunt (Why is she brave, you ask? Hey, you kiss Jack Nicholson these days. Something tells me that's not as good as it gets.) when she gained all those extra pounds for Bridget Jones' Diary. (And just why did they leave out all the truly interesting entries from that diary? Where were all the entries like "Today I got up and ate an entire pound of bacon and two bagels slathered in cream cheese in the hope that my newly fat ass will take the attention off of this smushed-in face that scares small children and straight men when they zoom in for a close-up," or "I used to get mad when men would look at my tits instead of my eyes, then I realized that they couldn't see my eyes behind this squished up face.") It's not as if she were on the short list of Hollywood Hotties to begin with. If anything, the buzz over her newly bulbous body helped sell that mediocre film. She didn't win an Oscar, but she did get a nomination. It wasn't until they mussed up her hair and made her go without makeup in the wretched Cold Mountain that she joined the other members of the Daring, Dauntless Actress Club. Yeah, that sure was fearless of her to play a hardened frontier woman who was uglied up to look like - get this - a hardened frontier woman. We've not seen such valor since Iwo Jima.

All of these women were lauded by critics and fans alike for their bravery, as if the movie watching public would be so disturbed by their new, unattractive look that they'd never be able to see them as beautiful or hot again. Yeah, sure. I'd like to see that theory tested by having Hillary Swank and Charlize Theron, their brave roles richly rewarded and now available on DVD, return to hotness and star in a scalding hot lesbian porno. Does anyone really think any straight male just couldn't bear to watch it because all he would be able to see would be the nasty whore from Monster and the bony she-male from Boys Don't Cry? Can't you just hear truck driver Stu, exiting the theater after only 20 minutes, telling his backhoe driving buddy Biff, "You know, the exposition moved along at a fine pace, but my ability to fully enjoy Ms. Theron's admirable cunnilingus techniques has been tainted by her scintillating, yet unsightly performance opposite Ms. Ricci in Monster." No, I can't hear that either.

Some people maintain that it has to be at least a little scary, and therefore somewhat brave, for hot, thin actresses to put on all that weight, because somewhere inside they must be worrying that they'll never be able to take off all that excess poundage, thus ruining their career as a hot leading lady. That argument might hold up if these women were in their 40s and didn't have access to the multi-billion dollar studio coffers that pay the world's best trainers and dieticians to whip their chunky asses back into superspank movie material.

They also have more motivation to diet and work out than average schlubs like us. If I gain 25 pounds, my wife might be disgusted, and I'd have to buy new clothes, and I couldn't run or bike as far anymore, but I'd still have my same crummy job and my same anonymity. But if scrunch-puss Renee Zellwegger fails to thin out and tone up those long, luscious legs, she's not going to make mega-millions for flaunting those sexy thighs all the way through the bonerfest that is Chicago. She wouldn't even get the Queen Latifah role. She'd get fourth billing in The Kirstie Alley Story playing Ms. Alley's pudgy roommate. (The one with the mushed up face.)

So please, ease up on the overblown accolades for these fearless beauties who gallantly gain weight or ugly themselves up for a damn movie role. Not one of them has ever failed to bounce back into svelte, leading lady hotness, landing surefire Oscar nominated roles and sending horny men back to the theaters ... and to their Esquire magazines and tissue boxes.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.