The perfect gift

I turned 39 about a week ago. Sorry I didn't give everyone notice, but I will still accept belated cards and presents. Besides, I need some cheering up.

This birthday sucked ass.

It's not that I'm getting closer to 40 or feel like an old man. I hated this birthday because no one gave me beer as a present.

For the past four years, my co-workers have given me beer. I could count on it every birthday and almost every Christmas. I will never forget the beautiful clinking sound last Christmas when a co-worker handed me my present. I gave a little jump for joy.

That didn't happen this year. And I was all excited for a new six-pack or something. I walked into the conference room and saw a brown paper bag with a ribbon made from bubble wrap attached to the top.

My kind of party, I thought. They had bought pizza and were giving me beer in a low-maintenance package. That's right up my alley.

I almost crapped my pants when I opened the package. Don't get me wrong - I really like the presents I got. They bought a Blockbuster gift card, a microwave popcorn bucket and a bunch of candy. I enjoyed some of the Starburst this week whenever I had a stressful moment.

But it wasn't beer. I had purposely held off from going to buy beer for home as my birthday approached because I just assumed that I would get a six-pack or two to enjoy after a hard day at the office.

This all caused a domino effect because then I had to run to the dive bar near my house to get some beer and I found out that they have raised the price of a 12-pack of Budweiser by 50 cents since the last time I got beer there and that was almost too much for me to handle.

I got over things pretty quickly though. A day or so later, I went out and bought some higher end beer to make me happy and help me make it through the weekend when I not only had to survive my daughter's seventh birthday party, but I also had to stomach the premier of High School Musical 2.

I just kept reminding myself that I had less than a year to wait until I could throw myself a 40th birthday party. I may be getting older, but I'm still 19 inside and plan to celebrate that next year. The only problem is that I need to decide what kind of celebration to have.

This is a big deal. I can't remember the last time I had a real birthday party, so I need to do this up in style. I remember my family throwing one for me when I turned 18 and I got a TV to take to college. Of course, I found out later that they picked the TV because it was on sale and one of my brothers got the exact same TV for a wedding present.

When I turned 21, I didn't have a party, but I went to downtown Baltimore and tried to drink my way through the Inner Harbor. My parents gave me the best birthday present ever that year - cab fare.

I remember having a party down at Disney when I was five or six. A bunch of Disney workers came around a corner singing "Happy Birthday" and carrying a cake. I cried.

Other than that, I don't have too many memorable birthday party experiences. Since I have a summer birthday, that always cut down on some of the fun since they didn't make a big fuss over me at school.

That's why I'm taking charge and doing next year all by myself. My wife and I are generally understated, so I wouldn't expect her to go out and plan something crazy. And if I'm gonna ask her to do it, I might as well plan the damn thing by myself.

I know I need good beer. I would really like to do it somewhere that has enough flat ground for some games of cornhole. Part of me wants to plan some sort of elaborate destination party, but I know that would probably force out some people because of money. I don't want to make it about money.

I want to make it about me. And fun. I just want people to come and have a good time because turning 40 should be a celebration, not a low blow. I don't even need presents.

Except for beer from my co-workers. That's the least they could do.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.