Tennis fans need a backhand

Politically, I don't have a particularly strong stand on capital punishment. After a couple of days watching the U.S. Open tennis action last weekend, I might have changed my mind.

There are just some people who need to be shot. And they all came to watch tennis, many of them with their kids.

Okay, maybe I'm going overboard a little bit by suggesting a firing squad for people who come to a tennis tournament without realizing that tennis players generally expect quiet during a match. But at the very least, they should be taken outside for a spanking.

We can sit and debate all day about why baseball players don't get treated to silence while they try to hit a 90 mile-per-hour fastball, but that's for a different day. If these people dropped some cash to come to the U.S. Open, they have probably watched tennis on TV. That means they should realize that you don't bring your crying kid to the freaking tournament.

Two players actually had to stop between points and tell someone in the stands to remove their crying toddler from the stadium. When the guy took his good old time exiting, I wouldn't have blamed the players for just grabbing a few balls and whipping them in his direction. I think a blistering forehand to the temple would teach him a lesson.

My wife and I didn't have to worry about any of this. We did what every good parent should do when they want to enjoy a vacation - we sent out daughter to her grandparent's for the weekend.

Some people might not call that good parenting, but I don't have a problem with understanding that some activities are for adults and some for kids. Maria says we're very European with that attitude, but I think we're just smart. And Bridget had way more fun going to an amusement park and visiting a train museum than she would have sitting in the sun watching tennis.

I know this because I saw a bunch of seven-year-olds at the tournament, and they sure looked like they would stab someone for five minutes on a moonbounce. In fact, one kid in front of us fashioned a shiv out of the wooden handle of one of the cheap fans a tournament sponsors gave away for spectators to keep themselves cool. We made sure not to cross that kid.

That was pretty hard because he was part of what Maria called "the ADD family." I don't think the parents and three kids were in their seats at the same time for the entire four hours we sat behind them. Despite the fact that one was always in the bathroom, getting food or chasing down autographs, they insisted on saving all five seats even though the section was general admission.

I don't expect everyone to sit attentively and watch every single point with complete and total concentration, but is it that hard to stay in the same place for an hour? At least bring a Gameboy or something for the kids so they don't get up every five games to go somewhere else.

At least this family waited until the players had a changeover when they moved. So many people just could not wait the five minutes or so until the next natural break before they headed for the exits. And I'm not talking about people trying to beat the rush at the end of the match. These were just stupid, impatient people who would get all huffy when ushers would tell them to sit down in the middle of a point.

I think I might try and get a job working as an usher next year because those people did the best they could, but they need to step it up a notch. Sure, they would speak sharply to people and kind of block their way when they wanted to walk into the players' line of sight, but I didn't see one of them tackle anyone or hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

That's what it's going to take, I think, to stop people from acting stupid in public. Don't you think that someone with an inkling to try and sneak out before the action stops will think twice if they see someone else get dragged back to their seat by their ear for breaking the rules or get smacked in the ass with a Roger Federer serve when they try to go down the exit ramp as he winds up.

And if the offending fan drops his kid when he gets hit, that's just too bad. He should have sent the youngster to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.