In defense of meat eaters

I feel as if I have to stand up for persecuted people who have no voice. I feel like I have seen too many people look down on this group just for what they think. I think I need to share their plight with the public to start the healing process.

Ladies and gentlemen, meat eaters need your help.

I say all of this not because I have watched their struggle from the outside. I have suffered the slings and barbs of fanatically healthy eaters myself.

Just the other day, I stood in line at the buffet during a lunch seminar I attended at work. One friend of mine stood a few spots behind me in line and said, "So help me, Brian, you better put some vegetables on that plate."

I politely informed her that I already had a vegetable and pointed to the rice I had alongside the chicken on my plate. She told me that rice didn't count as a vegetable. I called the ACLU at that point. I shouldn't have to suffer because someone thought chicken teriyaki with rice and steamed vegetables would make a good lunch.

In actuality, I did enjoy the chicken and rice. Why do people think they can force me to feel bad about not wanting some mushy broccoli and other green stuff on my plate?

I could have survived the entire episode unscathed, but I had a similar experience less than a week before. A buddy from work and I swung by a Chinese restaurant to pick up some lunch on the way back to the office one day.

We had never tried this particular place so I didn't know what to expect. I only order one thing when I get Chinese - General Tso's, the Buffalo wings of Asian food - so there aren't too many things that can throw me for a loop.

I didn't mind the chicken, but they loaded a ton of veggies along with it, as well as some things mixed in with the rice. The good thing was that most of the things I didn't want - broccoli, some huge chunks of peppers and those weird miniature ears of corn - were big enough for me to pick out.

Another co-worker looked as if she might have a stroke when she saw what I was doing. She couldn't comprehend the pile of stuff I had extracted from my meal because she would have considered the pile a fine meal by itself.

I shudder at the thought. The meal I ended up eating made me pretty happy, although I don't think I'll go to that place again, but that's because other places have better General Tso's. In fact, the veggies are the only reason I might go back. I want to see how many people I can upset by picking broccoli and corn out of my food.

We meat eaters need to band together to stop people from doing what our mothers couldn't do - make us eat our greens. I will not rest until the term "meat and potatoes" is no longer used to put us down.

That's what some people say when they describe my taste in food. "Oh, he's meat and potatoes." What's wrong with that? Meat is good. Potatoes are good. They are even better when you have them together.

Besides, I have much greater depth than "meat and potatoes." I love pizza. And pasta. And ice cream. And grilled cheese. And onion rings. That's a vegetable. Well, the deep fried part kind of cancels things out, but I do eat some vegetables.

I love onions on all kinds of things. I will eat mushrooms most of the time. I put lettuce on many kinds of sandwiches and occasionally have a salad with all of those things and some carrots.

So I'm not totally anti-vegetable, although sometimes I want to go that way just to upset the people who think they know what I like better than I do.

The worst of them are vegans. Okay, not all of them because I know a few rational ones, but I worked with an insane vegan for a few years that made me want to hold the Jolly Green Giant hostage until she ate a freaking hamburger.

I have no problem when people have their own personal tastes. In fact, I think that is what makes life so much fun. What's with the not eating meat but trying to find ways to mimic meat? You don't get to give up hamburgers, then have veggie burgers in my book. We perfected the patty, and you can't have it.

Crap like that makes me want to eat an extra hamburger just because I know it will upset someone. And I won't put any vegetables on it.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.