Ye Olde New Years Resolutions

The arrival of the New Year brings with it the inevitable gut check of introspection. Perhaps it is the turning of the calendar, coupled with the gluttonous nature of the holiday season, which causes us to look at our habits, our vices, our accomplishments, our relationships and our waistlines, in no particular order. We may hear mention of New Years resolutions in passing, and we figure we ought to do something as well, lest the good things in life pass us by as we lounge on the couch with glazed icebergs falling on our nightshirts from the Krispy Kremes of our discontent.

In my 36 years on this planet, I have known only one person who truly and completely made good on his oath. He quit smoking on January 1st 1997, going from a pack or more a day to nothing, overnight. Don’t ask me how he did it because I don’t know; most who try to kick the nicotine needle fail. New Years resolutions are often defunct by Valentine’s Day, if they even make it that long. As spring rears its beautiful head, these once adamant commitments usually die a sweet death in deference to a more comfortable temptation.

So why don’t we stick to our convictions? My guess is that trying to change lifelong habits, by just deciding that we want to, is a highly ineffectual method. If that actually worked, America would be rife with vigorously fit individuals who kick so much ass that we could conquer Canada on our lunch breaks. A quick trip to Disney World will show anyone that we are, in fact, a country chiefly made up of fat, lazy bastards, most of whom are unable to identify Canada on a map.

The 10 most common New Year’s resolutions of average Americans, according to About.com, are:

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends
2. Get in Shape
3. Lose weight
4. Quit Smoking
5. Enjoy Life More
6. Quit Drinking
7. Get out of Debt
8. Learn Something New
9. Help others
10. Get Organized

Just imagine what the US of A would be like if everyone actually accomplished these 10 things within the next year. Picture a world full of shiny, happy, perfect people! I’d rather not, and in any case, I have a few issues with this list.

Let’s start with number five … enjoy life more? Is that really a New Year’s resolution? That kind of strikes me less as a goal and more of an intrinsic, omnipresent need. I’ve never heard someone say, “I’d like to start breathing more air this year,” but that’s about the same to me as enjoying life more. And how about number eight, “Learn Something New?" I’ve always heard that you learn something new every day! Too easy.

To be truthful, there some things on that list that appeal to me, although I wouldn’t exactly put it like they do. Here are my top five New Year’s resolutions (sorry, but 10 is just too many resolutions in one year, and besides, I think that whole “Top Ten List” thing has been done before).

1. Stop being a fat, lazy monkey It’s true, I’m a big, fat lazy monkey. Ok, I really only weigh about 170 pounds, but for a guy my height, that’s far too portly. Many years ago, I heard some stand up comedian say that he had no sympathy for fat people, because if he ever got so fat that he couldn’t see his dick anymore, he would simply stop eating. I thought that was pretty funny at the time, but recently in the shower, I let my gut out in its fully relaxed and outright position, and well … let’s just say that, at my current rate, it won’t be too long before I’m fasting like Gandhi. Guess it’s time to trade in the two-egg, two-sausage, two-pancake breakfast for a banana. Ouch.

2. Stop farting when other people are around This may seem a bit low brow to you, but for me, it’s a serious problem. Between attending an all-boys boarding school for four years and then joining a fraternity in college, I became quite accustomed to breaking wind whenever the opportunity presented itself. In fact, launching air biscuits became a sport of sorts, and I haven’t been able to rid myself of the instinct to let one rip at really inappropriate times. The other day at work, I allowed a little gassy buddy to escape, thinking, “It’s okay – the chair will absorb it.” Yeah right, like the chair ever did that before. A few moments later, one of the attractive young ladies approached my desk for a chat while I was enveloped in an invisible chamber of my own noxious fumes. To her credit, she did not acknowledge the stench and made a smooth, quick exit; sadly, she has not been back since.

3. Start doing Yoga I used to joke about yoga and the people who did it. Unfortunately, I have a little rheumatoid arthritis in my right hip and yoga would really help with that. And have you seen what your average yoga class looks like? Picture a dozen or so hotties in spandex bending their bodies in ways that would make a Buddhist monk howl like a dog in heat. Let’s see, classes near the University begin at …

4. Have more sex … with actual people Don’t get me wrong – there a lot to be said about doing it with one’s self. There are no uncomfortable moments trying to disrobe, no unwanted smells (see number two), the pace is always just right, you never have to wonder if you are in the mood, foreplay is optional, no taxi fare home, no useless chatter … the list is endless. But sometimes, there’s just no substitute for another, living, breathing human being next to you. Or at least that’s what I seem to remember.

5. Stop Hating George Bush So Much I try to stay away from politics as there is someone around here who handles those duties, but the quality of my life is suffering due to my incessant despising of our current president, who I really don’t even acknowledge as such, because – let’s face it – his dad got him the job. Why can’t I just accept that he’s president and stop fantasizing about how he’d do after a few days at Abu Ghurayb? There’s nothing I can do about it … or at least nothing legal. I just need to get over the fact that, even though he’s neither a Christian nor an American patriot, millions of people believe he is both, and that’s that. But it’s tough, because I believe in fiscal conservatism and social liberalism, and Bush is socially conservative and fiscally liberal. Monkey boy pushes my buttons, what can I tell you.

So that’s about it. In about two weeks I should be a fit, thin, fresh-smelling, flexible sex machine who is at peace with the world. I’ll let you know how that works out.

Happy friggin New year, everybody.

Evan Redmon is an assistant editor for a scientific journal. He has lived in Washington, DC for most of his life, with seven years of college down the drain in Madison, WI and four and a half years of doing nothing in particular in Boulder, CO. He has visited 39 of the 50 states in the Union (excluding Alaska and Hawaii) and can be reached at evanredmon@yahoo.com.