Murphy’s Law – Lost action figures I’d like to see
While many licensed toys on the market are complete and utter crap, Spawn creator Todd McFarlane has made a name for himself by sculpting photo-realistic toys that look more like mini-statues than action figures.
To date, McFarlane has done two different waves of Lost action figures, one in 2006 and one in 2007. The sets include some very cool collectables, including a Hatch box set depicting the memorable Hatch scene with Jack, Kate, Hurley and Locke from the season one finale and a Jin figure from season two depicting the scene where he ran towards Sawyer and Michael on the beach with his hands tied behind his back (the figure even has a voice chip inside it that shouts “Others! Others!” – or as Jin pronounces it “Udders! Udders!” – over and over again).
While the Lost figures that have been made to date have been pretty awesome, unfortunately they didn’t make enough of a profit to justify continuing the line. However, I think if McFarlane and company take my advice, they’ll be selling these toys like hot cakes (assuming that people still have money to buy hot cakes in this terrible economy). So while I go wait patiently by the phone for a call from the ABC marketing department, please enjoy this list of Lost collectables I’d like to see …
Taller Ghost Walt (Season Four) – Walt and Michael were two of the central characters in season one of Lost. Unfortunately, since the first four seasons of the show take place over a matter of months (and since the producers failed to cast Gary Coleman as Walt), the writers were forced to limit the amount of screen time given to Walt after season one to hide the fact that Malcolm David Kelly was going through puberty. Their solution was to have a “Taller Ghost Walt” appear first to Shannon in season two, then later to Locke in season four. So, since we all know how tough the life of a child actor can be and since Walt’s presence is missed on the show, I think that McFarlane should immortalize Malcolm David Kelly’s awkward teen years forever in an action figure.
Kate with a gun to her head (Seasons One through Five) – While Kate managed to evade the police for years before arriving on the island, somehow she lost all of her street smarts when she crash landed in the jungle (luckily, she managed to keep her magical tracking powers). Since every other episode seems to involve Kate wandering off into the jungle by herself only to be kidnapped at gunpoint, we might as well have an action figure commemorating the event. Besides, the Oceanic Six seem destined to head back to the island, so it’s only a matter of time before Kate is being held hostage once again.
Shirtless Sawyer (Season Five) – Since the writers of Lost were clearly trying to appease their female fans by having Sawyer go shirtless for the majority of this season’s premiere, why not give them their own mini-Sawyer to take home with them. (Bonus points if he comes with a pair of those ridiculous reading glasses Jack made for him, so that he can appear rugged, but intellectual.)
Nosebleed Charlotte (Season Five) – This season, it seems that all Charlotte is bringing to the table is collapsing and spurting blood out of her nose, so why not play to her strengths?
New York socialite Tom (Season Four) – I was very sad to see the loveable Tom murdered by Sawyer in the season three finale. So it was a pleasant surprise seeing Tom resurface during Michael’s flashback episode in New York. The brief glimpse of Tom (and his “special friend”) living it up in a swank New York hotel room was a wonderful moment in the show and I can’t help but think of all of the fun misadventures you could have with a New York socialite Tom action figure. (Bonus points if McFarlane can find a way to make Tom’s clothes removable so that you can also recreate M.C. Gainey’s infamous naked guy scene in Sideways.)
Shih Tzu t-shirt Hurley (Season Five) – McFarlane did make a Hurley toy, but it was a season one figure that features Hurley holding the flag from the golf course he made on the island. Hurley has given us so many glorious moments on the show, so he deserves a better figure. Why not memorialize Hurley and Sayid’s wacky buddy comedy storyline that involved killing a guy with a dishwasher, lugging around an unconscious Sayid a la Weekend at Bernie’s and buying a ridiculous yellow Shi Tzu t-shirt from a rest stop?
Nikki and Paulo’s buried alive play set (Season Three) – Nikki and Paulo don’t deserve their own toys, but the writers of the show deserve to have their two greatest failures memorialized so that they never make a mistake that bad again. Also, it would be fun to bury these two awful characters over and over again.
Hospital gown Locke with removable kidney (Season One) – It’s not hard to see all of the emotional baggage Locke has been lugging around since his biological father resurfaced in his life in order to procure one of Locke’s kidneys. Perhaps if McFarlane could create a hospital gown John Locke, we could replay the fateful scene and this time give Locke the tender father-son moment he’s been longing for (and perhaps save him from getting thrown out of a hotel window and breaking his back).
Ageless Richard Alpert (Since the dawn of time apparently) – As Juliet explained to Locke in this season’s “Jughead” episode, Richard Alpert has always been on the island and is quite old, yet he never seems to age. Just think of how versatile a Richard Alpert action figure could be – you can have Richard interact with young Ben or the time-traveling Oceanic bunch or you could even go back to the beginning of time and have Richard square off with dinosaurs on the island, a la Jurassic Park. Or, if that got boring, you could use the figure to play out your favorite scenes from The Dark Knight or Suddenly Susan. The possibilities are endless.
Juliet with a low-cut shirt (Season Five) – You’re welcome Chris Kirkman.
Mr. Eko and the Smoke Monster (Season Three) – Todd McFarlane already created an Eko action figure and to be perfectly honest it is probably the best Lost figure he has created to date. So why give Eko another toy? Because this time I want him to escape that damn smoke monster so that he doesn’t suffer the lamest and most ridiculous looking death the show has given us to date.
Jacob (Season Four) – Not that I think a Jacob figure would be particularly fun to play with; I just want this toy so that I can finally find out what he looks like.
Ghostbuster Miles (Season Four) – Mattel has already announced plans for a classic Ghostbusters toy line, so why not throw Miles into the mix and officially give him the job that he was clearly born to do? He’s bound to make a better Ghostbuster than Rick Moranis.
Porn ‘stache Matt Parkman (Season Four) – Before he was stealing Daphne’s (and Mohinder’s) heart on Heroes, Greg Grunberg had a brief cameo playing the pilot of Oceanic Flight 815 in the beginning of the show. Last season, when Frank Lapidus watched the newscast featuring footage of the faux Oceanic 815 wreckage that was recovered underwater, the news program ran a file photo of Grunberg sporting an awesome porn ‘stache. So while Grunberg’s days as a pilot may have come to a tragic end, with this toy he could still give mustache rides to Heaven.
Pill-popping, Ron Burgundy beard Jack (Seasons Three, Four and Five) – Jack may be a polarizing figure for many Lost fans, but even all of the Jack haters out there have to admit that its fun watching him stumble around while sporting that ridiculous facial hair. Besides, they need to make the figure so that I can walk him around the streets of San Diego saying things like, “Milk was a bad choice.”
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You can register for an online paralegal school and get yourself your very own online paralegal degree without having to leave home, and proper online paralegal certificates are just as legitimate as a normal one.
What about a ‘Your gonna die Brotha’ Playset? Comes complete with Desmond, Charlie, and random Island effects, that could comically cause the death of Charlie al la Final Destination……which wild eyed Desmond could of course save him from. But the real fun would be Charlie in the bathtub where you could put Baking Powder in him and watch him drown and then rise back to the surface to let Desmond know that it’s ‘Not Penny’s Boat’. Driveshaft 2nd Tour of Finland Ring and Heroin sold separately
House – I would totally buy that playset, especially if it comes with the two crazy lesbian chicks that beat the hell out of Charlie in the underwater station.
Young Sayid’s “My first torture kit”: Young Sayid comes in traditional Middle Eastern attire and includes life-like rubber chicken, restraints, multiple knives, chemical kit and “Complete Idiot’s Guide to Infidel Torture in The Halal Tradition”. Was it Nature or Nurture that turned him into a Killer? You decide! Have tea parties with the chicken, teach Sayid to speak with a proper British accent and keep Sayid away from Republican Guard recruiters and see if he still ends up killing. Or send Sayid on a study abroad program to hone his skills in torture. China- water torture and Communist rule. USA- water boarding and racial discrimination. North Korea- everything else.
Double Young Sayid’s fun by ordering Karl’s “My first brain washing kit”
Mikhail Bakunin/Patchy: He might not be the happiest Lost character, but he sure is the toughest. Mikhail comes with an unconditional lifetime guarantee*. In fact, if you break him, flush him down the toilet, feed him to your Rottweiler, set him on fire or strap him to an active railroad, you don’t even need to come back to the store or even call for a replacement. Mikhail will just show up when and where you least expect him. And of course he’ll have that shit-eating grin on his face because no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to harm this resilient Russian.
*Guarantee not valid with underwater grenade detonation
The Code-Red Desmond: (season four): Let’s face it- guys like Desmond Hume don’t get kicked out of the British Army’s Royal Scottish Navy when they go stark raving mad- they get tied down to a bunk and beaten with bars of soap and lines of Brittish cockney gibber-gabber. Desi’s mind is so warped from time traveling that he just says “see you in another life brotha” because he really doesn’t know which one he is in now. He says he’s having military dreams, but his Sargent is thinking more like Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Orange Stars and Green Clovers. Poor thing. Code-Red Desmond figure comes with military style underware, red bruises, Fail-Safe Key necklace and bewildered/nervous looking face.
Widmore: “I ordered the CODE RED!!!”
Well played, Matthew Abaddon.
I was sorry to see you go this season. You deserve your own action figure – one that can push around John Locke in a wheelchair and tell him to take a walkabout.