Outside of the In-Crowd – Things Assholes Like: Judging others
Ladies and gentlemen and Dad, there is something I need to tell you. I am an asshole.
Yes, friends, it’s true. I, your faithful crusader against asshole-ery is in fact herself an inhabitant of Assholedonia. And why, specifically? Because I judge. I’m a judger. A person who judges.
I judge all kinds of things. I judge people who prefer Slater over Zack. I judge people who watch The Hills. I judge people who like cilantro. I judge people who don’t like sweets. I judge people who don’t read. I judge people who prefer pie to cake. I judge people who refuse to give Buffy a try. I judge people who order salads at McDonalds. I judge people who wear flip flops when it’s below 55 degrees. I judge people who drink too much or smoke too much weed and I judge people who have never tried either of the two. I judge people’s shoes. I judge people who still quote Office Space and Napoleon Dynamite. I judge people who don’t like dogs. I judge people who make fun of Britney Spears. I judge people who don’t like Conan. I judge super religious people and people who make fun of religious people. I judge judgers. I judge jugglers. I judge Judy.
And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I’m probably judging you right now. I am a bad person.
I don’t mean to be, and in all actuality, I’m pretty nice. There are people in this world who like me and everything. I don’t like being judgmental. I even have a really hard time spelling the word judgment. But it’s the truth of me.
When I said I judge judgers, I wasn’t kidding. I can’t stand people who decide something about a person before they get to know them. I also hate hypocrites. Thinking anymore about these things could cause my brain to implode and kill us all, but I’ll try.
I believe that all judgmental people are driven by one thought: I am right. We of the judginess are staunch in these feelings. And some judgers are wrong and that makes it wrong. But I’m usually right and therefore that makes it okay.
This is the way of the judger mind. I am justified in my negative feelings because they are true.
The thing is, they usually are. I’m usually right. My judgment accuracy is seriously something in which I take pride. I would like a medal and perhaps a parade. You hear a lot of people say things like: “When I met her I couldn’t stand her, but now we’re good friends.” I’ve never had that. And it is indeterminable whether it is because I’m so correct and awesome or because I write people off. But in the mobius strip that is my brain, I only write off people who are lame anyway, so I win.
And this is of course why I am an asshole. But it doesn’t make me wrong.
You meet someone at a party. Everyone at the party loves them and they’re good friends with your friends and you assume you’ll get along with them just fine. Then you start to see that they’re awful. They’re stand-offish. They’re pretentious. They’re boring. And you have no idea why people enjoy this person’s company. This has happened to most of us at one point in time or another. Now, maybe everyone is super justified in liking this person and they can be really great. But why would you want to waste your time getting to know that person when they couldn’t have the decency to be remotely kind or human to you upon your first meeting?
This is how I feel about those that I judge. I know that I won’t like you and you probably won’t like me, and since I can’t be rude to you, I will judge you in my mind. Why’s that so wrong?
I question whether or not it is. I know that it’s an assholey thing to do. I know in the sunshine fairy heart cloud some of you sit upon, we should judge no one and love everyone and I am a bad person for feeling this way.
HA, GOTCHA. You are the one who is the judgey one now.
Look, I could be an open-air bitch. I could be rude and thoughtless to people’s faces. But I’m not. (Usually.) So I just do it behind their backs. Don’t start with me. If someone never finds out how you feel towards them, it’s like it never happened. It’s polite to be two-faced. That’s why I believe in Harvey Dent.
The common thread in these “Things Assholes Like” posts is my general disdain for people who are totally fine with their despicable habits and who possibly even celebrate them. And that is why no asshole is safe from me, including me. I am what I hate and I must do my best to be less so.
But then what the hell would I have to write about? Shit, this whole column would turn to sad dust. So quit judging me for judging everyone and let’s go on about our judgey days. Judge you later.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.
Having been around you from the moment of your conception, I know that you give everyone you meet the benefit of the doubt and treat them nicely.
Sorry I hit something that submitted my comment before I could finish it.
At any rate, you are nice to everyone until they prove you wrong. I don’t think that you’re too judgmental (well maybe a little) so you do deserve the parade that you mentioned. Mayor Daley is a very busy guy so I don’t see that working out for you in Chicago. I went to high school with the mayor of Springfield so I’d at least have a shot at talking to him. I’ll see if I can at least set up the chance to gather some friends and drive 3 or 4 cars down an alley somewhere in town when you’re back here. Maybe they’ll even let us honk the horn once or twice. Don’t ever say that I’m not there for you.
Ummmmmmmmmmmm, BEST COLUMN EVER! “I judge judgers. I judge jugglers. I judge Judy.” Rolling on the floor, as the kids say, laughing my A off.
I think you and I judge a fair amount. At least, when I judge us, that’s what I see. Like that chick trying to have full-on sex with her dude in the extremely crowded martini bar. Judge on, sweet Courtz! Judge on.
LOVE this. “My name is Laura, and I’m a Judgmental Asshole.” Like Mayor Goldie Wilson, I like the sound of that.
BTDubs, just finished Season 5 of Buffy. There were tears aplenty, and snotty sobs for Spike, espesh. I’m glad I gave Buffy a chance.
I don’t mean to cut you down, but you know the only being capable of fair, unbiased judging is Judge Dredd.
I truly appreciate the “Judgmental Asshole” paradox you have created here.
By admitting that you are a judgmental asshole yourself, you’ve opened yourself up to criticism, yet no one can actually call you out on it without becoming a judgmental asshole themselves.
You might have stumbled across the most brilliant way to deflect Internet criticism I’ve ever seen.
I broke the internets! I did it!
I’m a judgers dream come true….I prefer Zack. I don’t watch The Hills but I do like to see the cast’s boobs on the internets. I love cilantro. Sweets are OK. I can and do read. I prefer pie to cake. I (and my wife) own all the seasons of Buffy and I watch them. McDonalds has salads? I do wear flip flops/sandals when it’s below 55 degrees and have even worn them in the snow. I drink too much, don’t smoke weed and I have done too much of both in my life. I don’t judge people’s shoes because my style is crap. I still quote Office Space. I like big dogs. I don’t care about Britney Spears enough to make fun of her. I like Conan but like Thundar the Barbarian better. I’m not super religious but I do like to make fun of super religious people especially the ones that dance with snakes. I am excitable and talk loud at parties especially when I first meet people (and I’m drinking), but I’m a good listener and I’m pretty sure people either love me or hate me immediately. I dislike anything popular sometimes for no other reason than because it’s popular. I don’t care enough about people as a whole to judge anyone. I consider myself the Asshole’s-Asshole.
I am completely fine with judging others. That guy in the Detroit hat deserved it. (you know of the one i speak)
Matt, that officially makes you a bromophobe.
So does anyone remember that episode of “Sliders” where Quinn teams with that female scientist who turns out to be his alternate-universe counterpart? Like, the same Quinn, but a girl?
That’s how I feel reading “Outside of the In-Crowd.” Ms. Enlow, you perfectly articulate my thoughts week in and week out as clearly as if they came from my own mind. I most definitely had that standoffish party encounter this past weekend, and I’m fine with the fact that I’m an asshole. The fact is that I would have never understood without reading this column and saying “oh yeah” in front of the computer over and over.
What I’m attempting to say is that this column speaks to me, week after week, and keeps me consistently entertained. I’ll keep coming back as long as you’re still your judgmental self.
I also judge people who don’t read and who prefer pie to cake. Pie sucks.
However, I do still quote Office Space and (meep) Napoleon Dynamite. You may judge me!
youre right. you are an asshole. and a boring asshole. could not tolerate more than 3 words of your boring-assed column. i hope no one is paying you to write this shit.
Actually, I sit on the sunshine fairy heart cloud quite often –
but only because the seats are comfy and the in-flight movies are good.
Actually, that might be the moonbeam fairy squirrel cloud. I do tend to get my clouds mixed up sometimes, and am often judged for it.
“It’s polite to be two-faced”; only from the dumbest, most submissive angle. I’d rather know you’ve “written me off” so I can cease wasting my time with you instead of you just harboring those feeling whilst acting kind and then sewing the discontent behind my back. That’s just my judgement of reality though.