Bacon and Legs – I’ve been around that track a few times

Fontina Turner

Fontina Turner

Nintendo is awesome and don’t you fucking forget it.

I feel like people are fucking forgetting it. I don’t just feel that way, it’s massively showing in Nintendo’s sales. They were backsliding before, but they’ve been majorly dropping since the Wii U launch. The Xbox One and Playstation 4 have doubled and tripled the numbers that the new Nintendo console has sold.

Nintendo has always been a system for casual gamers and younger audiences. But I have to remind you all of your roots. Opening your Christmas gift in your Back to the Future pajamas, were you excited to see a brand new system with a copy of TitanFall? Do you remember staying up until five in the morning before your Spanish exam playing Diablo? Did you get in trouble for playing Metal Gear Solid instead of doing the dishes before your mom got home from work? Unless you’re a lot younger than me (in which case, shut up), then no.

Super Mario World. Super Mario Kart. Donkey Kong Country. These are the games that kept you up at night. These are the games that gave you chills of excitement. These are the games that you risked being grounded for.

So sure, grow up and play Halo. I understand. But don’t you forget where you came from! Mario was there for you. He was there for you when you were sad because that girl rejected you for the Spring Fling. He was there for you when you had no plans on a Saturday night. All you needed a bag of Doritos, some root beer and Mario to feel like you had some plans. Where are you when he needs you? You’re over there hiding behind your Xbox and your Playstation. That’s where you are.

Here’s your chance to make it up to him. Mario Kart 8 comes out this Friday. You’re going to go and buy it. If you don’t have a Wii U, you’ll buy that too. You owe your childhood to him, yo.

As such, I owe this column to him …

I’ve scoured the Internet to find the best of Mario Kart-themed recipes for all of your Mario Kart-themed parties: adult and child alike.

You can obviously find tons of party favors and candies to kickstart your theme. Amazon has some and honestly, you can find little toys and such at just about any cheapo toy store. You can find things in red and green for Mario and Luigi as well, like those striped paper straws that are everywhere these days.

As far as non-desserts go, you have a couple of options. Anything with mushrooms is a win from the theme-perspective. You could easily cut cheese slices into question blocks, stars or coins. Mustache cookie cutters are super trendy right now, get some and cut out some finger sandwiches. Or get REALLY crazy and Google “Mario Bento Box” and see what you can handle.

A Spotted Pony had some ridiculously simple and wonderful ideas, such as adding eyes to bananas and a blue Jell-o-and-whipped-cream sky cup.

Over on the blog Gloriously Made you’ll find some great star power cookie pops, complete with how to make warp pipes to serve them in.

I’m super excited about the Rainbow Road Cocktail that I found over on the Nintendrunk Tumblr. It’s exactly what I was looking for in a Mario Kart theme recipe: something to make the most challenging level of the game, even more difficult.

My absolute favorite thing that I found was a simple but stunning Rainbow Road Cake instructional video.

The woman who does the video is adorable and descriptive. The cake itself is rainbow colored and then it’s just a simple fondant treatment and candy decoration that anyone could handle to make a downright adorable Mario Kart-themed cake.

So if you really, truly loved Mario. If you want to help save Nintendo, help save your childhood … support Mario Kart 8. You can easily throw a party for a few of your friends, have lots of food and get drunk off of Rainbow Road Cocktails. Yes, go drive your virtual go karts drunk. Do it for the brothers.

rainbow road cake

Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at

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