Murphy’s Law – Signs you may be on the wrong side of history

Joel Murphy

If Donald Trump’s rise to the Presidency was a film, the Women’s March this past Saturday would have been the climax. Trump spent his day trying to shame the media (and the National Park Service) for accurately reporting his sparse inauguration crowd numbers while protestors around the world gathered together to oppose him. This should have been the equivalent of Jack Nicholson’s character being put in handcuffs after his “You want the truth?!?” diatribe in A Few Good Men or the warden watching out his window as the police cars pull up at the end of The Shawshank Redemption.

But, it was only the beginning of Trump’s presidency. And, instead of listening to the voices of dissent, Trump instead responded by restoring the “Global Gag Rule” that will harm women around the world, reinstating the Dakota Access and Keystone XL oil pipelines and by preventing government agencies from sharing information with the public.

So why didn’t the Women’s March turn the tide in Washington? For the same reason I don’t own a working lightsaber – because events in real life rarely work out like they do in the movies. One reason they don’t is because in movies it’s easy to tell who the villain is (it’s usually the guy twirling his mustache … or the character Christopher Lee is playing). But, in real life, you can’t always see who the bad guys are. Especially if the bad guys are on your side.

That’s why I put together this handy guide for any conservatives out there who have yet to figure out that they’re on the wrong side of history. Even though the low inauguration turnout and high protest turnouts are indicators that most people are wising up about Donald Trump, some of you are too deep in it to see that you aren’t the heroes here. But, there’s still time for you to have the cinematic changes of heart that can save us all (think Quintus in Gladiator telling his men to sheath their swords in defiance of Emperor Commodus).

So, please read the following points carefully and decide if this is really the side of history you want to be on:

1. The President you voted for is taking his cues from 1984. That’s right, 1984, George Orwell’s classic dystopian novel about a “Big Brother” authoritarian government. In case you think I’m overstating this, here’s a quote from the novel: “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

This is literally what Kellyanne Conway advocated for when telling Chuck Todd that White House press secretary Sean Spicer used “alternative facts.” Don’t look at the aerial photos showing you a small crowd or accounts from people in and around the inauguration, instead trust Donald Trump’s feelings about how many people were there.

The novel was meant to serve as a warning, not as a playbook. And, it was pretty clear the government enacting these policies was not the hero of the story.

2. Trump’s speeches sound like the ones made in sci-fi movies right before the worst happens. Here are a few examples …

Trump on Mexico:

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists …

Trump on our “inner cities”:

Our inner cities are a disaster. You get shot walking to the store, they have no education, no jobs. I will do more for African-American and Latinos than she can do in 10 lifetimes.

Now, read those quotes again and imagine them being delivered by Omni Consumer Products senior president Dick Jones moments before telling the city of Detroit that this is why they need Robocops patrolling the city. (Spoiler alert: Jones is the villain of Robocop.)

3. Trump, his sons and almost everyone he surrounds himself with look like 80s movie villains. I know looks can be deceiving, but Trump continues to surround himself with rich old white men who constantly look like they should be carrying large sacks with dollar signs on the side of them or shutting down rec centers.

Rex Tillerson, who Trump appointed as his Secretary of State, is an oil tycoon whose name is almost identical to Tex Richman, the villainous oil tycoon from The Muppets.

Richman’s demeanor and appearance in the film causes his henchman Bobo to ask “Are we working for the bad guy?” Perhaps you should ask yourself the same thing.

4. You are in cahoots with Russia. For now, we can continue to debate whether or not Russia has “Golden Shower” blackmail tapes on Donald Trump or whether Trump’s national security adviser Mike Flynn’s calls with Russia are cause for alarm. But even Trump himself has begrudgingly accepted the intelligence reports that Russia engaged in cyber attacks meant to tip the election in his favor.

That means that, even if there isn’t some larger conspiracy at play, the best case scenario is that Donald Trump is Russia’s preferred President, a fact that has continued to raise eyebrows across the globe. Remember the “Cold War”? Remember most action movies set in the 1980s? Hell, the reason we added “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954 was to stick it to the Soviet Union.

It used to just be understood that Russian interference in American affairs was bad. So ask yourself why you, conservatives – a group that prides yourself on your patriotism – are so willing to look the other way on Russia’s meddling.

5. Your candidate is also supported by white supremacists and neo-Nazis. By now, you’ve all seen the video of Richard Spencer being punched in the face by a “black bloc” anarchist on Friday. However, you may not have seen the “Eye of the Tiger” remix of it, so here’s that, just in case …

Richard Spencer has advocated for a “peaceful ethnic cleansing” and ultimately wants “a new society, an ethno-state that would be a gathering point for all Europeans.” He’s also the guy who lead the “Hail Trump!” cheers that included Nazi salutes.

Then, there’s white supremacist/former KKK member/Holocaust denier David Duke, who tweeted this out just days ago:

We did it! Congratulation Donald J. Trump President of the United States of America!

— David Duke (@DrDavidDuke) January 20, 2017

Again, take a step back and look at who is standing alongside you, conservatives. Russian spies, the KKK and Nazis. Donald Trump’s supporters basically look like the line waiting to audition for Hedley Lamarr’s gang at the end of Blazing Saddles.

Don’t be the line waiting to audition for Hedley Lamarr’s gang at the end of Blazing Saddles. Be Mongo or Lili Von Shtupp or any other movie villain who has a change of heart and decides to use their powers for good. Don’t reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. Be on the right side of history.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. Follow Joel on Twitter @FreeMisterClark or email him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.