Aaron R. Davis
You know who I hate? People who don’t hate anything.
You know who I’m talking about. You see them all the time on your own blog, or on message boards, or on any website with a comments section. Those people who can never help themselves from seeing your profession of hate for Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins and leaving a comment just to say “I don’t hate anyone. Hate requires too much passion and if I didn’t like someone or something, why would I devote so much emotion and mental space to them or it? Hate is a relationship.”
Don’t you just hate those people?
I mean, now not only are you taking out your frustration with Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins or Cartoon Network or Stephenie Meyer, but now you’re frustrated because your attempts to vent the original frustration have been frustrating by someone equally frustrating.
Someone who is scoring cheap ego points for themselves be reminding you how much better they are than you. How much more evolved and enlightened they are than you.
Doesn’t anyone just talk like a person anymore?
I mean, seriously, do those people think you’re staying up late at night, sharpening a wooden stake, completely obsessed, with pictures of Heidi Montag or Michael Bay or bran muffins or Cartoon Network or Stephenie Meyer or Dick Cheney or Heroes on your walls, writing manifestos and trying to figure out what your next move is going to be? Doesn’t that seem a little ridiculous? But when people leave those comments, that seems to be what they think of you. Are you as sick of it as I am? The Ned Flanders’ of the world, out there never hating anything like a normal person.
These are usually the same people who, when you make an offhand remark or joke, need to sweep in and remind you how much more clever they are than you. Or who, when they like a movie that’s dumb-but-fun, need to let you know that they already know it’s not a smart movie, but they liked it anyway. Because what a stranger on the Internet thinks about their intelligence is very important to them. Why, I have no idea. But it’s getting to the point where you can’t tell a joke about a horse ordering a drink anymore without someone “reminding” you that horses can’t actually talk and wouldn’t want to drink alcohol. Oh, but they were still amused by it. Ha ha?
While I’m on a rant, I should also mention those unfunny dickbags who think that your complaining about something you hate is somehow setting them up to score a joke off of you. “I’m incredibly sick of running into kids named Taylor – give your kids a first name instead,” you might say. And some dickbag will jump in and say “I’m going to name all of my kids Taylor T. Taylor!” Because they’re hilarious and not jackasses at all. Or you might complain that you hate people leaving nonconstructive comments like, “Your blog sucks and so do you!” and there will always, always be some dickbag who thinks he’s hilarious repeating those words.
The bottom line on all this is that those people are ruining the Internet with their jerkoff behavior. Instead of having some engaging conversation about something, you’re beset by people who want to make themselves feel better about themselves by showing you how much smarter/cleverer/more intellectual/funnier/more enlightened/more evolved/less human they are.
People, please: go out and be annoyed by something. Hate something for a second and then get over it. Stop worrying about what people who’ve never even met you think of you and your high opinion of yourself. If we’re just random strangers, why do you want our validation so bad?
Be a person for a change and get over yourselves.
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.