Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the eighth-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.
Arizona Cardinals – For his career, Kevin Kolb is 3-4 with 11 touchdowns and 21 turnovers (14 interceptions and seven fumbles). In Arizona, that translates into a five-year, $63 million contract.
Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have won 33 of 48 regular season games over the last three years, while going winless in the playoffs. They’re one more postseason collapse away from moving to San Jose and naming Joe Thornton captain.
Baltimore Ravens – I’m convinced Ricky Williams signed with the Ravens after watching The Wire. Don’t be shocked when he tries to move to Hamsterdam.
Buffalo Bills – I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign when your team’s best player is your punter.
Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have paid out more than $100 million in signing bonuses this offseason because, any time you have the chance to overpay the core of a 2-14 team, you’ve gotta do it.
Chicago Bears – It’s probably not a good sign that Jay Cutler’s most consistent target during his time in Chicago has been DeAngelo Hall.
Cincinnati Bengals – With Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco gone, the Bengals don’t have five players on the roster casual fans can name. Sadly, they might not even have five players worth learning the names of.
Cleveland Browns – The one head coach in Ohio worth a damn took his sweater vest and went home.
Dallas Cowboys – Little known fact: Tony Romo and Candace Crawford were originally supposed to get married at the end of last year, but she demanded the date be moved to July because, as you know, Romo never shows up in December.
Denver Broncos – Broncos fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Tim Tebow to be the team’s quarterback even though he’s not any good.
Detroit Lions – The Lions head into an NFL season with legitimate expectations for the first time since Barry Sanders carried the load in the Motor City. What could go wrong?
Green Bay Packers – During the team’s visit to the White House this offseason, Charles Woodson presented Barack Obama with a share of Packers stock, making the president a part owner of the storied franchise. Because, you know, he doesn’t already have enough to deal with.
Houston Texans – Let’s be honest – Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster have won a lot more fantasy football games than actual football games during their time in Houston.
Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is good and all, but I’m pretty sure even he needs a healthy neck to be effective.
Jacksonville Jaguars – NFL blackout rules prevent Jacksonville fans from reading this.
Kansas City Chiefs – It can’t be good when the biggest news out of Kansas City this preseason involves teammates Thomas Jones and Jonathan Baldwin coming to blows.
Miami Dolphins – Dolphins fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Kyle Orton, even though he’s still a.) mediocre and b.) collecting paychecks in Denver.
Minnesota Vikings – If Donovan McNabb couldn’t get it done in Washington, what exactly is he supposed to accomplish in Minnesota with a legit running back, an improved offensive line and a head coach who doesn’t openly despise him?
New England Patriots – Put it this way: Tiger Woods has won a major more recently than Tom Brady and friends have won a playoff game. And he did it without Justin Bieber’s haircut.
New Orleans Saints – How many Super Bowls have the Saints won without Reggie Bush?
New York Giants – Word on the street says head coach Tom Coughlin has offered a job to former Giants running back Tiki Barber. I guess he’s tired of being the least liked guy in town.
New York Jets – Rumor has it newly acquired receiver Plaxico Burress is demanding the Jets utilize more of the shotgun. If Rex Ryan doesn’t get a handle on this situation quickly, he might be shooting himself in the foot for ever taking a chance on the convict.
Oakland Raiders – Each year owner Al Davis mandates that his front office drafts the player with the best 40-yard dash time, ensuring Oakland has the fastest four-win team in football.
Philadelphia Eagles – Even Eagles players know Philly can’t win the Super Bowl this year. Why else would they be openly comparing themselves to LeBron James and the Miami Heat?
Pittsburgh Steelers – Because Ben Roethlisberger makes Sidney Crosby seem almost likeable. Almost.
San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.
San Francisco 49ers – Frank Gore can’t stay healthy and Alex Smith can’t play football. Other than that, they’re good to go.
Seattle Seahawks – I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that replacing Matt Hasselbeck with Tarvaris Jackson isn’t really an upgrade.
St. Louis Rams – Everyone knows NFC West teams can’t even finish a season with a record above .500.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I’ll refrain from sharing my true feelings about the ‘11 Buccaneers because I don’t want to be the next white boy to get knocked the hell out by running back LeGarrett Blount.
Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker is great … as long as you’re looking for a quarterback with accuracy issues who isn’t very good at reading defenses.
Washington Redskins – Because the Redskins haven’t even won their own division since Bill Clinton last enjoyed a cigar in the Oval Office.
Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.