Joel Murphy

Every year on December 31, many of you evaluate your life and come up with a list of New Year’s resolutions. As for me, at the end of every year, when I take a look at myself in the mirror and reevaluate my life, I come up with the same conclusion year after year – I’m perfect.

But just because there isn’t a thing about myself I would like to change, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a few New Year’s resolutions for 2009. After looking inward and finding no faults, I decided to look outward. So without further ado, here are a few things that I would like to see the world change in 2009 …

Politicians should stop being so damned shady. In 2008, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted on federal corruption charges, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for openly trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacated seat in Congress and New York Governor Elliot Spitzer resigned after being tied to a prostitution ring (no word on whether or not he was literally tied to a prostitute … or if you have to pay extra for that sort of thing). Even Spitzer’s replacement, David Paterson, admitted shortly after being sworn into office that he had once had an extramarital affair. Since Obama was elected on a message of hope and change, I’m hoping that we can get through 2009 without openly corrupt, prostitute-loving politicians dominating the headlines.

The economy, let’s fix it. This one is pretty self-explanatory. I’m about three weeks away from burning old newspapers for warmth and selling my vital organs on the black market.

Advertising agencies need to stop trying to be hip. It started in 2005 when McDonalds unleashed an Internet campaign with a guy staring longingly at a Big Mac with the tag line “I’d Hit It.” A few weeks ago, Burger King began airing a series of “Whopper Virgin” commercials, which basically implied that they had to go to remote third-world countries to find people who hadn’t had sex with their hamburgers.

Now, the cable network Versus is trying to jump on the “advertising agencies who attempt to sound cool, but inadvertently make sexual references” bandwagon with their new “Show Me Your V” campaign. The obscure network, known mostly for it’s coverage of hockey and rodeos (a winning combination!), is asking viewers to submit photos of their V’s to the Versus website. Now, we here at HoboTrashcan have been encouraging all of our fine female readers to show us their V’s for years now, but something tells me that Versus isn’t looking for the same type of photos that we are.

How can we prevent ad agencies who are trying to sound cool from sounding foolish? To solve this problem, I’m borrowing an idea my brother came up with years ago to prevent people from sneaking tawdry personalized license plates (like the guy who was driving around with a personalized plate that said GOTMILF) past the out-of-touch screeners at the DMV. My brother suggested that as a last line of defense, you hire two 12-year-old boys to read all of the proposed plates. If they giggle, then you don’t print that tag. Even if you don’t get it, you trust the 12-year-olds. I think ad agencies should adopt a similar strategy.

The Internets should take some time off from Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. What do you say we give these two tired starlets a year off from all of the non-stop paparazzi coverage? I’m sure they would appreciate the breather and more importantly, it would give the other, lesser-known attractive and troubled starlets a chance to shine. In fact, my plan is to go this entire year without ever mentioning the names Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in one of my columns … oh wait, damn it!

No more half-assed parody movies. Let’s keep 2009 Seltzberg free.

All of my favorite TV shows should do their best not to shit the bus this season. This is actually a very exciting time of year for me, since many of my favorite television shows will be returning in the next month or so. Scrubs debuted on ABC last night and 24 begins this Sunday on Fox. In the near future, Lost, Chuck, Psych, Monk and Burn Notice will all be back on the air. My hope is that all of these shows will have solid seasons and won’t start falling apart like so many good shows do.

In 2008, the writers of Heroes did everything they could to make the show unwatchable and even one of my perennial favorite shows, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, began wearing on me by the end of its fourth season. So far Chuck and Psych have been consistently entertaining and Scrubs gets a pass for now simply because I’m amazed it’s actually been given one more season; I’m hopeful that these three shows will continue to keep it together. Lost should be in good shape, but things like their Nikki and Paulo episode in season three and the terrible Sun/Jin swerve episode last season do raise a few red flags. In its past few seasons, 24, which always teeters on the edge of ridiculousness, has tried my patience and I’ve always found Monk and Burn Notice to be hit-or-miss, but I’m hoping that these three shows can avoid the suck in 2009.

One of you loyal HoboTrashcan readers needs to strap a bomb to your chest and threaten to detonate it if NBC doesn’t cancel its plans to give Jimmy Fallon a late night talk show. I would do it myself, but I have this whole “fear of dying and/or ending up in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison” thing.

My birthday is next month, so if you don’t know what to get me, this would be the perfect present. If you are too scared to hold NBC hostage, but still would like to get me something for my birthday, you could always show me your V.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

Burger King and I used to have a good thing going. They would run ridiculous advertisements on TV involving their terrifying King mascot and in return, when I was in the mood to order crap food that I would regret eating the next day, I would purchase one of their delicious chicken sandwiches. Things were great for years, but recently the company decided to spit in the face of our unspoken agreement and release a new series of ads promoting a taste test among “Whopper Virgins.”

If you haven’t seen these ads, allow me to explain how they work. Burger King sends a camera crew out to some remote village (one of the few small villages remaining in the world that doesn’t yet have a McDonalds, Burger King or Starbucks) and finds local townspeople who have never tasted the greasy, processed mush we refer to as fast food. Then, provided that they can convince these simple folks that the cameras won’t steal their souls, the Burger King crew videotapes these confused people eating both a Whopper and a Big Mac and asks them to choose which one they like the best. Overwhelmingly, these “Whopper Virgins” choose the Whopper over the Big Mac.

(Sadly, at no point does the Burger King mascot pop out from behind the scenes and attempt to stuff dollar bills down these villagers’ pants.)

These Whopper Virgin commercials are stupid on a number of levels. First of all, the term “Whopper Virgin” is absurd. According to my trusty dictionary, a virgin is defined as “a person who has never had sex.” Therefore, we can deduce that a Whopper Virgin is a person who has never had sex with a Whopper. Hopefully, with the possibly exception of this guy, no one has ever fucked a hamburger. I know Burger King has always said that you can “have it your way,” but I always assumed they weren’t encouraging you to actually have intercourse with their signature sandwich. Besides, if you were going to fuck a hamburger, I hope you would at least go for the Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Burger. I mean, just because you are sticking your junk in your Happy Meal, that doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice your dignity by banging a cheap piece of meat.

While I think that we can all agree that calling these people Whopper Virgins is a poor choice of words, I can understand why Burger King would give them that moniker. After all, it’s a lot catchier than “unwashed aborigines who have never eaten a Whopper and who can’t quite understand what Burger King is and why these people are shoving a camera in their faces.” But, putting the stupid name aside for a moment, the entire logic behind these commercials seems flawed.

Burger King claims that this is the world’s most pure taste test, since these people have never heard of Burger King or McDonalds, which means they are unbiased. Having never tasted a hamburger before, supposedly these Whopper Virgins are best equipped to judge once and for all which burger is best. But honestly, what kind of sense does that make? I understand taste tests where participants wear blindfolds and pick which soda they like best so that people who think they like Pepsi because of it’s clever advertising will discover that they actually prefer Coke (or that they can’t tell Coke and Pepsi apart, which amazingly many people seem unable to do). If Burger King had simply done a blind taste test to decide which burger was best, then I wouldn’t have taken the time to write this column. But their big selling point of the commercials – finding people who have never tasted a Whopper or a Big Mac – is fundamentally flawed.

Sticking with the virgin idea, let’s say that you and your friends were conducting a scientific experiment to find out which one of the ladies in your social circle was the best in bed (this may sound scandalous, but for the sake of this analogy, let’s assume that this is a very important and professional experiment, with lab coats, beakers and all that jazz, and that if done correctly you and your friends could win the Nobel Prize). Would you have these ladies all sleep with a virgin to determine who is the best in the sack? Of course not. The virgin would have no clue what was going on. He’d be dealing with strange sensations that he’s never experienced before and would be too nervous and confused to properly judge the situation.

That’s how I imagine this taste test played out for these poor Whopper Virgins. Assuming that the Burger King crew was able to overcome the language and cultural barriers and adequately explain to these people what the hell they were doing in their village, I assume the villagers didn’t quite know what to think of the two fast food hamburgers placed in front of them. If you had spent your whole life eating animal meat that wasn’t pumped full of growth hormones and pesticide-free fruit and vegetables, I would imagine eating American fast food would be a jolt to your system. I’d love to see the footage that ended up on the cutting room floor to find out just how many of these pour souls ended up regurgitating their delicious Whoppers and Big Macs later that evening.

Even without the flawed logic of the entire setup, you also have to consider that Burger King conducted these taste tests on their own, which makes the entire process suspect. Who knows how fresh the Big Macs were that they were handing out to the villagers – they could have purchased a bunch of them in America and just tossed them all into a bag, only to later serve them side by side with a Whopper that was made fresh. For all I know, they could have told the villagers that if they didn’t select the Whopper, it would greatly upset their gods or that the Burger King Corporation would make it so that it will never rain in their village again. Whatever actually happened during the taste test, I guarantee you that those villagers are still telling tales of the day the crazy white people came into their town offering everyone strange meat (not unlike that unsettling camping trip I had when I was in Boy Scouts, but I digress).

Since tomorrow is the start of a new year, I’m hoping that Burger King will realize the error of their way and will drop this whole Whopper Virgin campaign. In the spirit of change and new beginnings, I’m willing to still honor our old agreement – as long as Burger King promises that the next time they send a camera crew to a remote village uncorrupted by modern society, it will be to scare the shit out of the unsuspecting townspeople with their creepy mascot.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

While many of you may hate the idea of having to shovel snow this December 25, I have a feeling that Heath and Debrah Campbell of Hunterdon County, New Jersey are dreaming of a white Christmas.

The Campbells recently made national headlines after a local supermarket refused to make a birthday cake with their son’s name on it. Why did the local ShopRite refuse a seemingly simple request – to write their son’s name in frosting? Because the Campbells’ three-year-old son is named Adolf Hitler.

This isn’t the first time that the ShopRite in Greenwich Township has refused to make a cake for the Campbells. Last February, the supermarket wouldn’t make a cake for the Campbells one-year-old daughter, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation. Their daughter Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, named after Heinrich Himmler, turns one in April, so we’ll have to wait until then to see if ShopRite will once again turn away the Campbell’s cake request, or if the tribute to Himmler will be subtle enough to slip by the ShopRite’s cake patrol.

You would think that the Campbells would give up and stop going back to the same store for each and every birthday cake. But perhaps they are holding out hope that the ShopRite will eventually get over this whole “intense hatred of Nazis” thing and will start making their cakes.

As odd as it is to say, I feel bad for little Adolf Hitler too. It must be hard for him to go into a supermarket hoping to get a delicious cake for his birthday, only to have the people behind the counter refuse to make it for him because they are offended by his family’s beliefs. What kind of lesson is the ShopRite sending to this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed child? It certainly seems like they are teaching young Adolf Hitler that it is okay to treat someone differently because their beliefs are different from yours.

Luckily, all was not lost. The Campbells were eventually able to buy a birthday cake for Adolf Hitler from a Wal-mart in Lower Nazareth Township. I’m surprised they didn’t just try Wal-mart in the first place. The company has become a powerhouse by crushing local businesses and cutting costs by having their merchandise made in third-world countries with lax worker’s rights laws, it’s not like they are suddenly going to grow a conscience and deny the Campbells a chance to buy a Hitler cake. In fact, the Campbells said that they bought Adolf’s first two birthday cakes from Wal-mart. Next year, they should head to Wal-mart first, instead of going back to those intolerant ShopRite Cake Nazis.

Heath Campbell doesn’t understand why people can’t get past his son’s name.

“They say, ‘He (Hitler) killed all those people.’ I say, ‘You’re living in the wrong decade. That Hitler’s gone,’” Campbell said.

He went on to say, “They’re just names, you know. Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They’re not going to grow up like that.”

The more I started to think about it, the more I thought Campbell might be on to something. Sure, the old Adolf Hitler was responsible for some of the worst atrocities ever committed, but perhaps this new Adolf Hitler is capable of great things.

We live in an era of remakes. I never thought I would see the day when the acclaimed, Oscar-winning film Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, which tackled the racial tension felt in the 1960s, would be remade as a comedy starring Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher or the day when the cheesy, heavy-handed film The Day the Earth Stood Still about an alien and his robot friend Gort who threaten to destroy the earth if we didn’t stop the Cold War would be remade as a heavy-handed environmentally-themed film starring Keanu Reeves. At this point, we are three months away from someone remaking Citizen Kane as a slapstick comedy starring Jimmy Fallon, so the thought of “remaking” Adolf Hitler as a kinder, gentler humanitarian doesn’t seem that crazy to me anymore. Besides, if any franchise could use a reboot, it’s Nazi Germany. The Nazis have always appeared so one dimensional (just look at the upcoming “heartwarming” Christmas movie called Valkyrie, in which Tom Cruise attempts to assassinate Hitler), so maybe Adolf 2.0 (with the help of the young Aryan Nation) could come in with a fresh take on the role.

Perhaps Adolf Hitler Campbell could devote his life to charity work. He could volunteer at Jewish community centers and synagogues, making the name Adolf Hitler synonymous with hope and good deeds. With the help of his family, Aryan Nation and Himmler, Adolf Hitler could take over the world with kindness, reigning in a new order of charity and good deeds.

After all, what’s in a name? Johnny Cash’s “boy named Sue” was saddled with a sissy name, one that forced him to defy expectations and become grizzled and tough. Perhaps being saddled with a name that is synonymous with evil will cause the young Adolf Hitler to defy expectations and do something truly great with his life. If the “Kitlers” on Cats That Look Like Hitler have taught us anything, it’s that just because people associate you with an evil dictator, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be warm and cuddly (and adorable).

I believe that Adolf Hitler Campbell can do great things in this world. With a little hard work and selfless giving, I believe this young child can live to see a day where the ShopRite would be glad to make a cake with his name on it. Perhaps he can even inspire others to erase the hate and embrace all that is good in this world. I truly believe he can do it because from what I hear; Adolf Hitler is really good at motivating people.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

As our economy sinks deeper and deeper into the financial abyss, we all have to do what we can to make a little extra money this holiday season. Perhaps some of you are getting a second job working as an elf at Santa’s Workshop in your local mall. Or maybe you are planning on manning the wood chipper at a roadside Christmas tree shop. While those are both viable options, one creative entrepreneur had a better plan – 28-year-old Gypsy Lawson tried to make some extra cash by entering the lucrative monkey smuggling market.

Lawson, along with her mother Fran Ogren, was convicted of smuggling and conspiracy to smuggle a monkey, which violates several federal laws, including the Endangered Species Act. While most smugglers simply shove a balloon filled with heroin up their asses, Lawson actually hid a sedated rhesus macaque monkey under her blouse, pretending to be pregnant.

She flew from Bangkok, Thailand to Los Angeles, California. In case you were wondering, that is an 18 hour flight. That means that Lawson’s plan consisted of sedating a monkey and then keeping it under her shirt for 18 hours. Think about how long 18 hours is – then try to imagine having a monkey under your shirt for that length of time. Then add in the great atmosphere that you encounter on any international flight and you can begin to appreciate just how genius this plan truly was.

While the plan may seem pretty cut and dry, it was more involved than you might imagine. Authorities discovered journals and handwritten notes from Lawson and her mother which detailed their attempts to find a monkey small enough to smuggle into the U.S. (because when you are attempting to pull off a criminal conspiracy, it’s always best to take copious notes). According to U.S. Attorney James McDevitt, the journals also described their “acquisition of a small monkey and their experimenting with different medicines to sedate the monkey for their journey home.” I like to imagine Lawson and her mother in lab coats and safety goggles, carefully measuring out monkey sedatives while laughing manically at their brilliant evil plan.

And for all of you young kids out there who are sleeping your way through school, let this be a lesson to you – you should always pay attention in chemistry class because you never know when you might have to figure out the proper dose of sedative to give to a rhesus macaque monkey that you plan on hiding under your shirt for an 18 hour flight.

Now that they have been convicted, Lawson and Ogren are awaiting sentencing, which is scheduled for March 3, 2009. For the smuggling conviction, the pair faces a maximum of 20 years in prison, a $250,000 fine and up to three years of court supervision upon release. The conspiracy to smuggle conviction carries a maximum of five years in prison, a $250,000 fine and as many as three years of court supervision upon release.

While the possibility of 25 years in prison and $500,000 in fines may seem a bit extreme for a couple of harmless monkey smugglers, it’s important to note that rhesus monkeys can carry viruses and parasites that can be transmitted to humans (especially humans that are foolish enough to stuff said monkey under their shirt for 18 hours). Anyone who has seen the movie Outbreak knows how much havoc a single infected monkey can wreak on this country. Luckily, Lawson’s monkey tested negative.

It will be interesting to see how lenient the judge will be on Lawson during sentencing. Will the judge make an example out of her to deter all future monkey smugglers or will the judge show mercy in light of the fact that the monkey wasn’t infected? While she certainly deserves to do some hard time, I hope the judge goes easy on Lawson. After all, her mom named her “Gypsy” for goodness sake. Is it really that surprising that she turned to a life of crime? She was most likely born in the wagon of a travelling show surrounded by tramps and thieves.

Luckily, this story does come with a happy ending. The monkey that she smuggled into the country is now living in a rescue center for abandoned primates. Like so many other immigrants who survived an arduous journey to get to this country, the monkey can now make a new life for himself in America, the land of opportunity. Already, he is no doubt the life of all of the parties held at the rescue center, impressing the other monkeys with his tale of the crazy lady who drugged him and stuffed him down her shirt for 18 hours. God bless America.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

Last Friday morning, before the sun came up, after spending a day gorging yourself on too much food and doing your best to tolerate annoying family members, some of you headed out to your local malls and retail stores to save a few bucks on what has become known as “Black Friday” (which sounds like it should star Ice Cube and Chris Tucker). Certainly every penny counts now that we are officially in a recession, so I hope that you were able to find some incredible deals. But to be perfectly honest, you are lucky just to have gotten out of there alive.

Three people died this year on Black Friday. Three people. Let me repeat that - three people were killed due to SHOPPING.

In Long Island, New York, a Wal-mart employee was trampled to death while attempting to open the store at 5 a.m. The 34-year-old temporary employee unlocked the doors and was crushed by the overly-excited Wal-mart shoppers as they rushed into the store.

Approximately 12 people were knocked over as customers attempted to enter the Wal-mart. Some sustained minor injuries and a pregnant woman nearly miscarried and had to be hospitalized. The security tape revealed that hundreds of people trampled the Wal-mart employee and it took several minutes before anyone could clear enough space to help the man. CNN reports that police officers attempting to administer first aid were “jostled and pushed.” The Wal-mart employee was pronounced dead at the hospital.

I can’t even begin to comprehend how something like this happened. If all of these people were trapped inside a building that was on fire, then perhaps I could understand how someone was trampled as people fought their way out. But how could hundreds of people trample a man to death in order to save a few bucks on a copy of Lego Batman or a laptop computer? How can these people sleep at night knowing that they ended a man’s life just so they could save 10 percent on season three of Dawson’s Creek? This guy was just some poor bastard forced to work for Wal-mart to make ends meet and he’s dead now. How did we get here?

In Southern California, two men in a Toys R Us were shot and killed. According to Palm Desert Councilman Jim Ferguson, the two men killed each other. Both men had criminal records and it is believed that the shootings may have been gang related.

While the two men who were shot and killed most likely weren’t squabbling over the last copy of The Sopranos: The Complete Series on DVD, it’s still a bit off-putting that even rival gang members felt the need to brave the crowds on Black Friday in an attempt to save a few bucks. If even our nation’s gangs are pinching pennies this holiday season, perhaps the economy is in even worse shape than we all thought. If money is that tight, then who will be there to “make it rain” for the strippers? That’s a world I just don’t know if I can live in.

If you know me at all, you know I am someone who gets excited about the holiday season. It wasn’t too long ago that I shared Courtney Enlow’s enthusiasm for all things Christmas. I’ve gotten bitter and more jaded as the years have gone by, but I still do all I can to find my holiday spirit. I’m truly excited to make my return to the D.C. area this Christmas so that I can see all of the family members I haven’t seen since last December. I also enjoy buying presents for people I care about and seeing their faces when they open those gifts. It’s a good feeling.

But even during the peak years for my yuletide joy, I never once went shopping on Black Friday. I hate crowds and I simply don’t have the desire to attempt to wrestle the last copy of Space Camp out of the five dollar bin at Wal-mart while other patrons are bumping into me and knocking me around. I have enough trouble not stabbing other shoppers in Wal-mart on a normal day, I can’t imagine taking on a group of unruly parents at 5 a.m. on Black Friday.

I’m actually done with all of my Christmas shopping this year. While I missed out on some of the Black Friday savings, I was able to get all of my shopping done this past Monday online. Not only did I not have to fight the crowds, I didn’t even have to put pants on. I bought presents for everyone on my list in a little over an hour without ever setting foot inside a store.

I will never go shopping on Black Friday. I don’t care how cheap the merchandise is; it’s simply not worth it. There is no discount that is worth dying over.

Let’s hope that next year more people take a cue from me. Stay home next year and buy your presents online. It eliminates the stress and frustration that holiday shopping creates, and allows you to focus on what Christmas is truly about – getting free stuff in exchange for spending time with your family.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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