Courtney Enlow

And no one’s more shocked than I am.

I am at a crisis crossroads junction type of some such thing. Because my general air of constant displeasure is what keeps my hundred fans coming to this page. And now that I sit here, at worst unsurprised and at best fairly pleased, I have nothing to talk about.

I don’t know that you guys know the urgency here. Oscar-nom day is usually my angry Christmas. The only anger I can muster is that Google Docs insists on opening three tabs before I can get to my damn edit page. Seriously, I thought this was finally going to be the week I had no choice but to unveil my religion centered around Lady Gaga. But we’ll hold that off for another completely block-stricken week. Because I owe it to you good people to manufacture some kind of opinion.

So let’s talk nominees.

Best Picture
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up
Up in the Air

With the exception of The Blind Side, which I genuinely did not see coming, this is a great list. Now, I didn’t see Blind Side for reasons I’ve spoken of elsewhere, mainly that I cannot watch heartstring-tugging movies. This is a new phenomenon. Seriously, I can’t even watch Harvey anymore – I tried and started crying twenty minutes in. They were so mean to him, guys. BUT ANYWAY, was TBS any good? It seemed pretty generic white-lady-saves-the-day kind of fare. I love Sandy B. more than life itself and I will vouch for that until my grave-day, but really? In a year with ten slots? This movie? Where was Moon? Where was Star Trek? WHERE IN GOD’S NAME WAS DRAG ME TO HELL? Seriously, that movie at least deserves a prize for Outstanding Achievement in Dead Lady Vomit.

I cannot be too rage-y though, because the presence of District 9 brings me such joy. I thought it would go ignored and I was wrong. So a big yayzors for that.

My prediction: Up in the Air comes from behind to win it. (Bonus predicition: If Avatar wins, I will scream out in a guttural manner that scares the neighbors.)

Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
George Clooney in Up in the Air
Colin Firth in A Single Man
Morgan Freeman in Invictus
Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker

Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Helen Mirren in The Last Station
Carey Mulligan in An Education
Gabourey Sidibe in Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia

Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon in Invictus
Woody Harrelson in The Messenger
Christopher Plummer in The Last Station
Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds

Actress in a Supporting Role
Penélope Cruz in Nine
Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air
Mo’Nique in Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Pleasing things: Yays for Jeremy Renner, Gabby Sidibe, Carey Mulligan a.k.a. Sally Sparrow from Doctor Who, Helen Mirren who is always welcome at my Oscar table (read: my couch - I’ll buy an extra bottle of Yellow Tail for you, Helz), Woody Harrelson and my girlcrush for life, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Displeasing things: Um, nothing. Have you not been following along here? I guess Penny for Nine, but Oscar people love their damn musicals, even if no one else does.

My prediction: That if I hadn’t been copying and pasting, I NEVER would have messed with the full title for Precious all those times.

My other predictions: Jeff Bridges; Gabourey Sidibe, who shocks everyone by shutting out the Bullock, with no one happier for her than Sandra; Christoph Waltz; and while I wouldn’t bet against her, Mo’Nique did say she didn’t care about the Oscar, which may have pissed off the Oscar voters, so I’ll go with my Maggie.

Best Director will be Kathryn Bigelow, so let’s not even bother with that mess. And she will mostly win as a belated award for being so egregiously ignored in 1991 for Point Break. Little hand says it’s time for Bigelow to rock ‘n roll, Oscar-style.

So now let us all say a prayer to our lord and savior that Avatar does not win.

Oh, our Gaga, who art in Brooklyn, hallowed be thy name. Our Lady of Perpetual Gaga, we ask of you, born of The Madonna with a mild dash of the Elton, that you watch over us on Oscar day, March 7 – which I will liveblog so totally tune in you guys, ‘kay? – that the freckled blue cat people and their false King of the World idol do not win. In your name, we pray. Rah rah ah ah ah ah, roma ro ma ma, ga ga oh la la.

Thank be to Ga.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Courtney Enlow

It was not that long ago that I was forced to pop a vein over The Ugly Truth. And it wasn’t long before that when I did the same about He’s Just Not That Into You and Bride Wars. And yet, Hollywood soldiers on.

The latest pair of purported chick flicks, When In Rome and Valentine’s Day, also make me want to kill someone in the face. Every TV spot I see, every pre-film trailer I suffer through, every laugh of a different female in the audience who will shell out countless duckets to see these heinous offerings, well, it just hurts. And that’s what you’re here for. As sounding boards for my pain. Deal with this.

Let’s start with When In Rome, because the other one pisses me off way more and I don’t want to peter out halfway through like The Lovely Bones (damn you, Jackson). When In Rome is the story of, as Wikipedia almost parodically puts it, Beth Harper, “a successful but hopelessly single Gotham curator at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City.”

No, she isn’t.

But, sure, yeah, let’s assume for the sake of argument that Kristen Bell stepped on the throats of every single Art History major in the country for a gig as a curator at the Guggenheim. We’ll go ahead and ignore that. What I’m focused on is the “hopelessly single” part. Aren’t they all?

Look, I know that the busy hardworking career woman who doesn’t have time to find a man cliche bares some truth. But not “hopelessly.” “Hopelessly single” should be reserved for 35-year-old sad cat lady Twilight fans who wear Garfield shirts. And even they aren’t totally hopeless. I mean, I watch Hoarders, and a lot of those nutters are married. But in a romantic comedy, can’t we EVER have a female character who just happens to be single? Not because she chose work, which implies that we’re too weak to balance both; not because she’s a total spaz freaktrain, which makes you totally not root for her anyway; not even because she chooses to be, because rom-com science dictates that that perfect man will come along and make her see the light anyway. Just single. Just happens to not be seeing anyone at the moment, just like all of us have been. And not desperately so.

We all like attachment and affection. Hell, we all even love love. But it’s not realistic (or at least, not a respectful realistic) to have a twenty-something woman with a crazy successful career, as they all do in these movies, pining away as though her life is shit because she’s not married yet.

ANYWAY that was one big long tangent. Hopeless McVeronicamars goes to Rome for her sister’s wedding, because of course she does. She decides that since people throw coins in the fountain and find the loves of their lives, she will steal coins and find hers. Which has already lost me, because why don’t you just toss your coin? It seems like the rules are pretty clear and implicit. But anystupidmovie, her weird plan works and all these men follow her to New York to win her love, including Josh Duhamel, who is basically the C-list Timothy Olyphant, which as lower-tiered celebrity clones go is a pretty low bar already. Dax Shepherd is involved, too, who I don’t hate because I quote “I like money” from Idiocracy pretty much daily and I’m really excited for Parenthood. Also, Will Arnett is in there, and aside from GOB Bluth and his recurring role on 30 Rock, that man has made wicked bad career decisions.

What I assume will happen in the end: K. Bellz assumes J. Duhamz only loves her because of his coin, and then he tells her that he never dropped the coin in the fountain, or that his coin bounced out or something lame. Hate. Stupid. Lame. The TV spot people obviously agree, because if you’ll notice, none of the new ads include the fountain plot point, which is, essentially, the plot, period.

Speaking of C-list things and hate, let’s talk Valentine’s Day, which has triumphantly cast the most JV C-list group of actors ever assembled. Jessicas, both Biel and Alba? Taylors, both Swift and Lautner? Mcs, both Dreamy and Steamy (Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane)? Joe goddamn Jonas? What the crap kind of pilot season call list is this?

Even the actual actors, with the exception of Anne Hathaway, are nothing too special, and I really think this is her penance for Bride Wars. I like Topher Grace to the point where I had him listed with Anne then backspaced, so we’ll ignore him, but look – When Bradley Cooper is possibly the only cast member (again, aside from Annie H.) who has successfully opened a movie in the last five years, and it’s not like he’s really proven himself beyond that one film, you have a problem. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Julia Roberts. What happened to your career? You were on a long-term hot streak, and then you just went away. I blame that “A Low Vera” shirt.

Sorry, Jamie Foxx, but I cannot in good conscience award A-list to the gentleman who was in Booty Call and very recently wrote an entire song about “the Hennay” and why I should blame my poor decisions on it.

My biggest hate goes to the Jessicas. I loathe. They’re both total idiots who say stupid things about how hard it is to be pretty and how they’ll never win Oscars because they’re so gorgeous. Because, you see, everyone else in Hollywood is big fat piles of ugly fat shit, obviously. It’s a conspiracy against the heavy-browed chick with the overbite from 7th Heaven! Rude!

My second biggest hate goes to the notion of Valentine’s Day hate. But BUHLIEVE me, I’ll be covering that in just a couple weeks. Third biggest? This lame new trend of casting everyone in the world in one movie and hoping something sticks to the wall of good taste. Just because it worked in Love Actually does not mean anyone else should do it. I’ve made my loathe of He’s Just Not That Into You widely known, and this looks even worse! With or without an insane, mildly-retarded Ginnifer Goodwin! That’s saying something.

Look, ladies, as long as we (and I mean you, I’m just trying to be nice) keep seeing these movies, they will keep making them. They think they can’t trust us with good movies because we (again, you) keep shelling out the Hamiltons to go see them.

Stop. Just stop.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Courtney Enlow

Stardate: 01.17.10 6:56 Central Time (yeah, that’s right Eastern Time that’s been dominating all NBC news lately! Eat it!). I’ve got my 2005 Cabernet (so vintage, you guys) and my Mint Milanos, and I am ready to liveblog this mess.

I’ve been mildly watching the red carpet coverage. You’re not missing anything. Just a lot of Vanessa Nick-Lachey’s-Girlfriend-Not-Important-Enough-To-Warrant-My-Remembering-Of-Her-Last-Name, Billy Bush and Natalie Morales who already fucked up in my short time paying attention.

7:00 - It starts! Ricky time!

7:00 - January Jones has a BAD headband on.

7:01 - Steve Carell mock anger motioning “I will break you” to Ricky is my new favorite thing.

7:02 - First low-rating NBC joke of the night. I will take a drink every time one occurs. For you, gentle reader. And by 8:14, I will be typing like this: kjhgljhdsgfkljhdsgfkjClooney has a beardjhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

7:03 - Everyone is slightly uncomfortable by Ricky making jokes about them. Even countryman Hugh Laurie doesn’t look particularly amused. Kiefer Sutherland does, but he’s eight Jacks in as of presstime.

7:04 - I’m sorry, Angelina-adopts-lots-of-kids jokes aren’t old to me yet. Oh snap, Jay Leno Joke #1. I will eat a cookie for every Late Night War joke, and by 8:14 I will look like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka, only less blue.

7:05 - Nicole Kidman’s face is having the hardest time moving right now. I feel like it’s going to rip and a horrible screaming beast is going to burst out and only Kurt Russell will be able to save the team, along with the black guy with the flamethrower. Quick, someone burn her blood so we know she’s real!

7:06 - First Globe of the night goes to Mo’Nique. She has an Ann Sathers cinnamon roll stapled to the back of her head and it looks delicious. For someone who really didn’t give a what about being nominated, she looks really touched. Bless.

7:07 - Aw, cut to Gabby Sidibe. I want to be friends with her. Mo’s talking to her man now. He’s not a star, but he’s wearing indoor sunglasses. I respect that in a “guest of invitee.” I also respect Lee Daniels’ fancy mustache.

7:09 - Nic Kidman is just staring at Mo’Nique’s flab and trying to run offstage without her, lest she catches the fat cells. Skinny bitch.

7:10 - I love Toni Collette, but Muriel, honey, you’ve turned orange. Say no to the Mystic booth.

7:10 - I pick Tina. If I’m wrong, I drink.

7:11 - Toni won. Drink. Full disclozhe, I would have taken a drink anyway.

7:12 - Commercial. I tweet.

7:17 - Michael Emerson looks like someone that would stab me in the throat in a grocery store. William Hurt looks like his beard might do the same thing. Lithgow, whose character would do just that, seems like someone I want to hug a lot. Piven deserves to not be nominated for things anymore.

7:18 - Yay Lithgow! I love that man. I want to dance in his honor, but I understand that he doesn’t allow that kind of thing ’round these parts.

7:19 - No joke, when the camera cut to Michael C. Hall when Lithgow thanked him and we saw the effects of his chemo, I got tears in my eyes. Get well soon, Michael C.

7:20 - I get the feeling Paul McCartney dyes his hair. I hope I’m not being too controversial here. It is the color of Alli poo.

7:22 - Oh Up, if you didn’t win, I would have thrown a cookie at the screen.

7:22 - No I wouldn’t have. That’s a waste of a cookie.

7:23 - I feel bad when the jokes of non-actors fall flat, and I feel worse when the music turns on for them. Turn the music on for people who always get to be in the spotlight. Don’t turn it on for Pixar Pete! (I didn’t get his real name. I’m no better than the music people.)

7:27 - Kate Hudson is dressed like a contemporary lamp.

7:29 - I’m going to start saying “I’ll be waiting for you. With my legs open,” in general conversation. Often at work. Just to see what happens.

7:29 - I salute all the plugging, asides and general scriptlessness. Ricky, you’re so awesome.

7:31 - William H. Macy has officially turned into Bilbo Baggins. And his wife has been hitting the hobbit ale.

7:32 - Does anyone ever care when they bring up the award people? I sure don’t. But I do care that his hair is the same color as Paul McCartney.

7:32 - Yay, people I love! NPH and Jane Krakowski.

7:33 - The audience tonight is not particularly laughy. It’s like there’s a horrible global crisis going on while they’re slugging champagne that costs more than my life.

7:34 - Michael C. Hall won! Good, because every time they cut to him, I get chokey, and it’s really for the best that I get it all out at once. Fuck you cancer. You will not hurt my David Dexter Fisher Morgan!

7:36 - Juliana Margulies is wearing a dress made of Dorothy Gale’s ruby slippers. I respect that. Oh and she won. What I’ve learned thus far is that as I type about people, they win. This is the first one I haven’t had to backspace and update. I’m going to type about Eli Roth showing up in my room now, brb.

7:37 - Juliana is a touch slurry drink drunk. I hope everyone is Mariah Carey-style wasted tonight as they accept.

7:38 - No, voiceover guy, I am not wondering if Avatar will win Best Drama. If it does, I will throw something that isn’t a cookie.

7:40 - Commercial question: does anyone else think they don’t have near enough heartstrings for that Extraordinary Measures picture? And do they also wonder “Wasn’t there already a movie with Hugh Grant as a doctor?”

7:42 - I hope NBC doesn’t NBC Parenthood. I’m excited for it.

7:42 - Harrison Ford! If there’s anyone I can count on to always be drunk at events, it’s Solo. He’s either had a stroke, or he’s wasted and trying real hard to talk slow and not slur. I’ll feel so bad if it’s the former.

7:43 - Up In The Air is my Best Pic pick. Great movie.

7:44 - A Heather Mills joke! Nice pull, Gervais. One-legged skag, she deserves it.

7:44 - I thought Christina Aguilera was free-boobing it on one side. But it’s actually a pink tulle thing. Wimp. That’s not the Xtina I know. And Cher is wearing a dress borrowed from my old boss at Waldenbooks, a goth girl who wore boots that weighed more than me and smoked long thin black cigarettes.

7:46 - T-Bone made a pun. Puns are only okay when made by someone named T-Bone. I read it in the AP Stylebook.

7:51 - Commercial comment: who else is sad that Luke Wilson has been relegated to AT&T ads?

7:52 - That said, Frieda Pinto DOES make me want to buy skincare products.

7:53 - I really can’t get over how awful The Marriage Ref looks. Like it upsets me.

7:54 - Amy Adams is the cutest pregnant woman this side of Heidi Klum, who I just assume is probably pregnant again already.

7:54 - What channels do they play miniseries on besides HBO and PBS? I mean, I think that besides Grey Gardens and Little Dorrit, everything was made up. Question #2, if GG was going to win anyway, why did they sit Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange so far away? Half the speech time was devoted to them wandering up. As evidenced by them starting up the music. RUDE. Also, Drew’s wearing pieces of Falkor the luckdragon.

7:58 - Tom Hanks is on Twitter now. I just thought it was important for you guys to know that. He’s so rad.

7:59 - Ricky G. has popped his top two buttons. He is well on his way to performing shirtless.

8:00 - Colin Farrell just said “Oh, balls.” Dreamy.

8:00 - Julia Roberts is nominated? How about that. I think it’s great that someone saw Duplicity, because I sure didn’t.

8:01 - Meryl Streep is the greatest human being who ever lived. And since I typed that, she won. FEAR MY POWERS.

8:04 - Meryl has gone on longer than the Grey Gardens writers and they haven’t turned on the music for her. I don’t wish it on Meryl, but don’t do it to the randos, rude people! NBC is behind this. They turned on the music for Conan but refused to for Leno. #DeepThoughts

8:06 - SERIOUS COMMERCIAL QUESTION: Is John Corbett the voiceover guy on those Applebees ads? Because that makes me sad all the time if he is. You’re better than that, Corbett. You’re at least a Chili’s or a Smokey Bones.

8:09 - Helen Mirren is serious old lady hotness. She looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Probably because she’s describing Precious, and there’s no way to describe Precious without bursting into tears. Unless you’re the TV spots. Seriously, how many happy perky people did those spots dupe into seeing that film? That movie made me want to take a kerosene bath and then jump into a fire pit.

8:11 - I like that Kevin Bacon and John Lithgow won in the same night. DANCE OFF!

8:13 - Anna Paquin has the most serious cleavage happening. And yet, as I type about her, Drew Barrymore wins. Have I lost my gift? No, I wanted Drew and her sparkly Falkor dress to win, so it still counts. Jessica Lange looked PISSED. She’s either jealous, or that’s just how her face turned out on her last doctor visit. By the by, I love Drew Barrymore. She’s Critical Girlcrush #1.

8:17 - I just did a word count and I’m over twice my suggested word limit. I’M AWESOME.

8:21 - They’re doing ANOTHER Shrek? What the shit, people? At least it’s not Love Guru 2 I guess, but that is a thin silver lining.

8:23 - I’ve never seen anyone hate Ricky Gervias more than Omar Epps just did with his face. Also, can we even talk about how pleased I am that Ricky just called Jennifer Aniston “Rachel off Friends.” That’s going in the angry section of her The Secret-brand dream journal tonight next to a big mustachioed picture of Angelina Jolie.

8:25 - Jason Reitman has the same haircut as I did junior year of high school. His is greasier, and I had orange Snooki skin. Those are the only differences between us.

8:26 - Why do they still invite Ashton Kutcher places? What does he even do anymore? And what does Demi do anymore? Are they at this point living off That 70s Show reruns and Rumer’s appearance in The House Bunny?

8:27 - Critical Girlcrush #2 is Maggie Gyllenhaal.

8:33 - Samuel L. Jackson’s entire Inglourious Basterds intro should have been “I am tired of these motherfuckin’ Nazis in this motherfuckin’ Deutschland!”

8:33 - Sophia Loren is hotter than all of us. Nicole Kidman just whispered “she looks so old and decrepit and fat” and then her flesh ripped off her nose.

8:37 - Arnold Schwarzenegger looks angry. “I wahz rahbbed aund shud uhv wahn fahr ERASERRRR!”

8:38 - Zachary Levi is Critical Wannabe Boyfriend #1. Call me, Zach. I’m open to converting, or I will gladly be your Shiksa goddess.

8:39 - I am only assuming Zach Levi is Jewish. I could be wrong. I’m too transfixed by Christina Hendricks and her “glorious chichi’s” (copyright DListed).

8:40 - Holy crap, I looked away from Joanie’s cans, and HOLY BUCKETS PETE CAMPBELL, what happened to your hair? It looks like Nick Carter’s, only brown with Sun-In. To quote Michelle Collins of BWE.tv fame, his “new look is very Airborne.”

8:42 - I don’t have nearly enough estrogen for this Dear John picture. Dear God. Every time it comes on, my ovaries turn to raisins.

8:45 - I don’t get this Taylor Lautner kid. He looks way too much like those Avatar people, only less blue. His eyes are awfully beady. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on the other hand, his eyes are perfect. I’d like them to look at me. (This is the portion of the program in which I lust after people. Pay me no mind.)

8:47 - I don’t even watch Glee and I want Jane Lynch to win.

8:47 - Chloe Sevigny looks very subdued tonight fashion-wise. For her. Not for, like, Rita Wilson. Oh and she won as I typed that (Chloe, not Rita). MY POWERS ARE A FORCE AND YOU WILL BOW TO ME.

8:49 - Ricky’s introducing Halle Berry as someone with special powers. Her powers are nothing compared to mine. MINE ARE AWESOME. But dayumn, her powers of boobies far surpass mine. I bow.

8:50 - Christoph Waltz will win. YEAH THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. (This is the portion of the program in which I type a great deal in Caps Lock.) PS - This whole time since the movie was released, I thought his name was Christopher. Sometimes I add letters to names.

8:55 - When I was younger, I thought that local commercials airing during award shows were being broadcast nationwide. I was so impressed that the whole viewing audience knew the glory of Storm Center 17 and their weather team.

8:56 - I wish I was in a position to call Martin Scorcese “Marty.”

8:58 - What is Brendan Fraser doing there? I don’t even have a comment I’m so confused right now. I bet he tries to call Scorcese “Marty” and “Marty” rips his plugs out of his skull.

9:01 - I always love the editing jobs on lifetime achievement awards. They should have had this guy edit the rest of the show because whoever is directing it is as drunk as Harrison Ford.

9:03 - I can’t wait for Shutter Island. It’s going to be nuts awesome.

9:05 - Is Jennifer Garner there stag? Where’s Affleck? Blake Lively, you keep your leggy boobsy self off him.

9:06 - I’m always touched by the speeches of “Marty” because he’s such a lover of film. But right now I’m really focused on how James Cameron is starting to look like a middle-aged lesbian.

9:13 - Speaking of middle-aged lesbians, Jodie Foster looks good. She hasn’t aged since circa ‘91.

9:14 - Ricky: drunk at the podium. No different from anyone else who’s presented tonight. OH MY GOD HE MADE A DRUNK MEL GIBSON JOKE AND I LOVE IT.

9:15 - Mel Gibson just feigned drunk, but then messed up what category he’s presenting. Methinks he wasn’t so much feigning. Maybe he just wanted to mention Inglourious Basterds in an effort to show that he is anti-Nazi. Oh Mel, my little sugartits, we know better. And he presented it to The King of the World himself, who totally hosed his ex, Katherine Bigelow. I hope she shot him with some serious eye lasers for that one. Maybe his GG is part of her alimony.

9:19 - I still haven’t watched Glee. Or Modern Family. I’m a failure as a theater nerd.

9:21 - DUDE. Voiceover guy. Quit jerking off Avatar. That’s twice now.

9:23 - This year’s The Ugly Truth award for purported “chick” flick that makes me want to murder goes to: When In Rome. Grrrrrrr.

9:25 - Justin Bartha is pocket-sized. He’s like a tiny treasure troll. Ed Helms looks like a proper dapper gent.

9:26 - Ooh, Reese Witherspoon. I hope she’s winning a belated award for Fear.

9:27 - Nope, just presenting the Best Comedy award. And it goes to Fear! No, actually it goes to The Hangover. Fear was robbed. AGAIN. Genius choice having Helms’s Doug song as the music pick.

9:33 - Ahnold is here to present the introduction for ahward nominated Ahvatar. Is it just me or do his eyes look beady? Did he get a Lautner-ing procedure? And what’s an Uhbitar?

9:35 - Mickey Rourke looks every bit the porterhouse-faced dreamboat I thought he would. He is made from the same material as his ten gallon hat.

9:36 - This is a good category with a lot of less popular actresses, but it being the Globes, it’s gonna be Sandy B. OH AND IT IS!!!!!! I love Sandra Bullock more than my luggage, and her dress is my favorite of the night, so I am fine with her winning. I won’t see The Blind Side though. I can’t watch heartwarming movies. They make me too sad. Yea like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes and now things like that make me cry a lot.

9:39 - NO THEY DID NOT TURN ON THE MUSIC DURING SANDRA BULLOCK’S SPEECH. I am taking off my heels and hoops and I will start some shit with someone.

9:39 - Robert Downey, Jr. just won for Best Actor. Apparently my libido leaped through the screen and imprinted itself upon the envelope. Oh and he’s giving the best speech of the night. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.

9:44 - Okay, people, we have to wrap this up. I need to spellcheck this mess then take a sleep.

9:46 - Yay! Winslet time! That’s just what I need to pick me up. Okay, I’m calling it on Colin Firth right now. But I’m not typing as she announces the winner, which means I’m wrong. Which I was, because The Dude won. I’m kosher with this. I haven’t seen Crazy Heart yet, but I assume it’s awesome. (Drinking game for you: go back, re-read and drink every time I say “awesome.”)

9:48 - While Bridges talks, I just think it’s a good time to mention that my favorite edited-for-television line of all time is from the cable version of The Big Lebowski, and that is “this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”

9:55 - Oh hi, Julia Roberts, you of fancy hair and good eye makeup. Final award. I’m calling it on Up In The Air, and then I’m calling it bedtime because I’m over all of this and have regrets. Seriously, I’m over 3,000 words. My fingies hurt. END.

9:56 - Avatar. Golly, I’d be shocked IF THE VOICEOVER GUY HADN’T GIVEN IT AWAY FOUR TIMES TONIGHT.

Well, I hope you feel like you were there. Barring Tobey Maguire setting the theater on fire / Nicole Kidman actually bursting out of her skin and killing the entire team at the Antarctic base, I’m out. Love you guys, and thanks for reading all these wordy things. Zzzzzzzz.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Courtney Enlow

Previously on late-night talk show theater a.k.a. The Late Shift 2: This Time It’s Personal a.k.a. Not Without My Pomade: His Network Hit Him and He Wept Alone: Mother, May I Sleep With Fox: The Conan O’Brien Story, Joel told you a tale of betrayal and intrigue and sandwiches. We know now that his story speaks only of the early days of what will surely become the true defining war of this decade: Team Conan vs. Team Leno.

If you’re reading this, I’m semi-sure I know what team you’re on, because you’re using the Internet and it doesn’t appear to be interfering with your pacemaker or LifeCall Medic Alert bracelet. Team Coco is the only way as far as we’re concerned. As Joel reminded us, Leno is being rewarded for failing at his job. And Conan? He’s getting completely screwed.

What did our lovable ginger ever do to anyone? Conan has done nothing but serve the show to the best of his abilities, abilities far superior to Leno to be sure. He got rid of beloved characters because they didn’t fit the time slot, characters like the Masturbating Bear, Horny Manatee and FedEx Pope. He has done his string dance once (I believe) since starting The Tonight Show, and that was last Friday when the news had come out. Post-fancy-dance, he made a couple jokes at NBC’s expense, but remained largely polite.

That was Friday. Then came Monday.

Monday night, Conan basically pimp-slapped the mascara-streaked fluid-caked ho that is NBC and told a bitch what’s what. His monologue was one of the funniest of the new show’s history, and he spared no feelings in unleashing on everyone involved.

Then on Tuesday, shit got real. Conan released his I-hope-it-becomes-the-new-Gettysburg-Address letter telling the world he would not be moving to 12:05 (11:05CT, because NO ONE includes we Midwesterners in these timeslot debates).

I quote, in part:

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot.That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

Later, The New York Times got the word out about the Twitter Riots of 2k10 (may they build a statue in our honor). And in my favorite story of the ever, Consumerist released the email addresses of NBC execs AND JEFF ZUCKER’S PHONE NUMBER! I dare you to call him. Do it and please, please, post about it in the comments.

To me, NBC’s choices have been despicable and careless towards a man who uprooted his family and the families of his entire staff after being promised his dream job. But more than anything else, the choices have been idiotic. When it comes to the behind-the-scenes inner-workings of the television industry, I am only as well-versed as one can be from reading trades and blogs. And yet I, and so many of you, can see how unabashedly stupid this is, and how stupid it was to create the 10 p.m. Leno show. We should not be smarter than them.

I am not quick to say this either. I have a big problem with armchair politicians ragging on the more intricate decisions of Washington, simply because we have the luxury of not having to deal with the politics within the politics. And I’m often bothered by the couch critics, the ones who give up on a TV show when it stops going their way and speak of how they’d completely change everything, because they don’t have to be bothered with the networks and the advertisers. But what I can completely agree with are those of us that think this is wrong, because it’s more than an opinion based on an industry many of us take no part in; it’s about the ethics of how a company treats an employee.

To them, Conan is just that: an employee, and one they’re treating terribly. But to us, his loyal and longtime fans, he’s helped shape our sense of what comedy is. I took to Twitter, and saw that I was not alone in feeling this way. Say my tweeps (and Roger Ebert):

ebertchicago I agree: A touching statement from Conan. NBC = No Bloody Conscience.

jimmyrabbitte Mr. O’Brien wrote my favorite Simpsons episodes, and introduced me to the ‘Central Time Zone Countdown.’ My sense of humor owes him one. I wouldn’t be doing what I love if it wasn’t for Conan O’Brien.

Berlination I never got serious about writing comedy and understanding what was actually funny until I watched Conan for the first time.

gorphax84 There’s only 2 people I know who can be rewarded when they fail. One is Jay Leno and the other is his chin. CoCo forever!

onewallroom Good for Conan for sticking to his guns & eloquently sticking the knife to NBC & slowly turning it in his statement today.

imattmypants I pray that now EVERY LAST AMERICAN understands how TERRIBLE Jay Leno is and that whateverthef*ck show he has now gets IGNORED BY ALL.

megan_maria I really hate how many lives & careers @NBC is fucking with for Jay Leno. What assholes.

I’ve never had any personal vendetta against Leno. I don’t find him funny in the same way I don’t find Adam Sandler flicks or any Ben Stiller movie that isn’t Zoolander funny. They’re just kind of lowest common denominator harmless funny (except for I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry - that shit was harm-fraught) for people that just don’t particularly care about comedy.

And that’s okay. Conan’s audience is generally appreciative that he’s not necessarily for everyone. Except that he’s done whatever it takes to become for everyone, without pandering or dumbing himself down. For the first time in recent memory – in fact, for the first time since Carson – a comedian has been smart and attempted to appeal to the majority at the same time. Conan is the Carson for a generation who only got Carson for the early part of their lives but know enough to respect Carson as the god he is. And, like with Carson, when I’m my grandpa’s age, I too will have a set of the best of Conan that I’ll watch with my grandkids so they appreciate true comedy. And it makes me sad that that set apparently won’t also proudly read The Tonight Show in shiny letters.

In the words of Dark Helmet, “Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.” Unfortunately, in reality, the evil people are dumb, the good people are smart and there’s fewer of the smart. Le sigh.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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Courtney Enlow

He’s like fire and ice and rage. He’s like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He’s ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and can see the turn of the universe. And he’s wonderful.

This past weekend, nerds throughout the country and normal people throughout Western Europe said a very difficult goodbye, and that goodbye was to the Doctor. The Tenth Doctor specifically, as in the star of Doctor Who, David Tennant.

I took this particularly hard, as I, along with most females/gay males who watch DW, am deeply awkwardly in I-don’t-actually-know-you love with David Tennant. He wears Chucks with a suit, he’s tall and lanky, his hair is all “sticky uppy” and he’s Scottish, which is pretty much my most important criteria. And he actually likes Doctor Who, which any American lass will tell you is somewhat difficult to find in a man (she says to her boyfriend who refuses to watch it with her). He’s all this, and a brilliant actor. He, in his four year tenure, has bested Tom Baker as the most beloved Doctor of all time. He’s awesome. And now he’s gone.

Things are about to get spoilery, so bounce, if you’re against that kind of thing. Seriously. BOUNCE.

Okay, so I don’t know about you, but for the last twenty minutes of his final episode, I was in completely hysterical inconsolable sobs. From the instant you find out just who is delivering the four knocks that will bring about his death to his seeing his BFFs for the last time (Martha + Mickey = true love forevs), I was a wreck. I’ve never cried so hard at something fictitious, and I saw Titanic four times in the theater as a weepy Leo-obsessed fourteen-year-old.

David Tennant was incredibly important to the lives of his fans for four years, and will continue to be so until our DVDs are worn to nothing. With that, I offer him all I can in return: a rudimentary countdown list.

The Ten Best Tenth Doctor Moments

10. “Look at me! I’m wearing a vegetable!”

This is only so far back because it’s not technically from an episode, rather a Children In Need special bit. But it’s awesome. It’s fan squee-y, hilarious and the bringing together of my two favorite doctors. And brainy specs!

9. The Doctor describes Gallifrey.

The Doctor was rendered homeless shortly before the start of the new series. For the first time in NuWho, he tells us about Gallifrey and the Time Lords. He makes it all sound beautiful and lovely. Too bad I remember the Time Lords as being kind of dicks from the old episodes, but that’s beside the point.

8. The Doctor gets poisoned.

I only wish there was more Donna Noble on this list, but the problem with that is that all Donna’s awesomeness overshadowed the Doctor, so he doesn’t get a lot of “best” moments with her. This, however, is glorious.

7. “Thick thick thickity thickface from Thicktown, Thickania. And so’s your dad.”

Not only do I love a faux-drunken Doctor (and this entire episode), but I love that this line is a rehash from a Coupling episode, also written by Steven Moffat (”You’re so slim. Slim slim slimmity slim from Slimtown, Slimania.”)

6. “Am I … ginger?”

I would have been repelled by him if he was.

5. The Doctor takes on Satan and effing wins.

Please note that YouTube is a twat and cuts it off before my favorite line. See the whole thing, because it’s my favorite episode. ANYWAY, if you watch DW, you know that the general rule of thumb is that there is no God, there is only Zuul the Doctor. When put up against giant beefy Beelzebub himself, who do you think wins? My money’s on the skinny guy.

4. “Wibbley wobbly timey wimey stuff.”

This is the only time that time travel has ever made sense to me, and I grew up on this and Back to the Future.

3. Psych! Suck it, family of blood!

This whole episode had spectacular David acting, but this scene where he just drops it and slips seamlessly back into Doctor pimpawesomeness mode is genius. Gives me a giant smile every time.

2.“Quite right, too.”

The second hardest I’ve ever cried at Doctor Who. As for the first …

1. “I don’t want to go.”

As if there were any question.

Goodbye, David. We miss you already. Bring on Matt Smith. Eleven, you have big shoes to fill.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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