The Katie Couric Effect

Once Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake brought the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” into our public consciousness, our government stepped in and tried to make sure that Janet’s nicely decorated breast was the last one the American public ever saw on television.

But, it seems like breasts are bouncing their way back to the spotlight. Recently, not one, but two famous females got mammograms on national television for two very different reasons. No wonder they call it a boob tube (sorry, that joke was just for my dad).

First, there was Tyra Banks, who was tired of having people accuse her of getting breast implants. So, wanting to set the record straight once and for all and apparently deciding it would be too time consuming to just let every guy in America have a free feel, she opted instead to get a mammogram live on her self-titled talk show. While I appreciate the effort, Tyra, I’m still unconvinced. You could have staged the whole thing. I’m afraid you're going to have to let me touch one.

Then there was Katie Couric. Now, say what you will about Katie, but she is a giver. First, as some of you may remember, back in 2000 she televised her colonoscopy, taking us all on a wild ride through her large intestine. Researchers reported that there was a 20 percent increase in colon cancer testing following the show, which was dubbed “The Katie Couric Effect.”

So being the wonderful woman that she is, Katie Couric decided to film her mammogram to help promote National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Showing off the top notch production values of the Today Show, the footage of Couric dropping her robe and having her breasts X-rayed from four different angles was set to the song “Getting to Know You” from the musical The King & I.

While I totally support these moves, I worry that Katie Couric might be setting the bar a bit too high for herself. I mean, how does she top those two stunts? Before long, she’s just going to have a camera crew following her around while she pees. But, I digress.

It’s unclear if these are two isolated incidents or if this is the start of a new trend. Maybe there is a market for this. I mean, if people watch celebrities play poker, why not celebrity mammograms? Tell me you wouldn’t tune in every week. They could even put up the X-rays and have people guess which celebrity they belong to. “Is it Phyllis Diller?”

Unfortunately, just when it looks like we finally might be in for some real “Must See TV,” our government has found another way to rain on our parade. Just like Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat, we take two steps forward, then we take two steps back.

You see, buried deep inside a bill called the “Children's Safety Act of 2005,” which was designed to protect children from becoming victims of sex crimes, is language that could group many mainstream movies in the same category as hardcore pornography. Basically, any Hollywood film containing a sex scene would have to comply with Section 2257 of our federal law, which requires an affidavit listing the names and ages of all of the actors involved in the scene. Violators can spend up to five years in prison.

But, it’s not just limited to sex scenes involving nudity. The bill is aimed at any movie involving "lascivious exhibition of the genitals," but previous legal decisions have stated that the "lascivious exhibition" can occur even without actually seeing the goods (which some scholars refer to as “dry humping”).

Now, some of you might think this sounds like nothing more than some added paperwork, but it’s not that simple. One unnamed industry source said, "At some point, people would be faced with the decision: 'Do I include the scene and register a 2257 or leave it out?' " It’s bad enough that most studios cut out sex scenes and limit nudity to get their movies PG-13 ratings, but this new law could abolish movie nudity all together. It’s just not right. Elizabeth Berkley has to eat too, you know?

There has got to be a way to fix this before things spiral out of control. A world without some hot, yet tasteful nudity is not a world I want to live in. Maybe we just need to get Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.) laid, because if he actually had sex, he would realize that there is no confusing the real thing with what they show on the big screen.

While the future of titillating television and movies remains murky, one thing is clear - brave women like Janet, Tyra and Katie are doing their breast to fix things.

Random thought of the week:
When I'm rich, I'm going to buy a Chic-fil-a restaurant, just so I can get one of their chicken sandwiches on Sundays.

Joel Murphy is the creator of Hobo Trashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com