For my next trick ...

I remember when I was a child, we had this clown perform for us as part of our Vacation Bible School program at my church. She made some balloon animals and did some juggling, but most of her act centered around doing magic tricks. It was one of those sweet, wholesome idea. The only problem was, she was terrible. And, it wasn’t like she was trying to be bad as part of the act, she just wasn’t very good at doing magic.

For one of her tricks, she was supposed to blow up a balloon and then stick a needle through it without making the balloon pop. So, she blew and she blew until the balloon was filled with air, then she stuck the pin into it and ... POP!

She tried to cover it up by saying the balloon popped because “someone in the audience didn’t believe.” She said we all had to believe in magic or our negative energy wouldn’t allow the trick to work. Now, even as a small child, I wasn’t buying that bullshit. Especially since she tried the trick again and, even though I sat there willing that second balloon to burst, the illusion still worked. I guess a fifty percent success rate isn’t terrible. At least she wasn’t sawing a woman in half or anything.

Needless to say, I was underwhelmed by this woman’s overall performance. It was easily the worst display of magic I had ever seen in my life. Although, now it seems there is another clown out there vying for that title.

I’m talking, of course, about David Copperfield. It seems he is planning on impregnating a woman on stage without touching her. “Naturally it will be without sex,” Copperfield said. “Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more.” No word on whether or not it will involve a turkey baster.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario, I don’t even know where to begin. For one thing, he seems to have his priorities way out of wack. Just about every guy in the world would do anything he could NOT to get a random girl pregnant - well, except maybe Shawn Kemp. But even Shawn was smart enough to have fun while knocking all of those women up. David Copperfield isn’t even sampling the goods first.

Beyond that, I can’t imagine what makes Copperfield think this is a compelling stunt. Don’t get me wrong, the whole immaculate conception thing worked out pretty well for Jesus, but unless our lord and savior is actually coming back to Earth, I don’t see how this trick is going to be compelling to watch (Jesus isn’t coming back, right? I mean, with all of the war, hurricanes and earthquakes going on lately, it sometimes seem like the world is coming to an end. Plus, I could totally see Copperfield being the antichrist. It would at least explain how he managed to get a chick like Claudia Schiffer).

How does he plan on pulling off this stunt? How will we really know if the girl is really pregnant or not? Are we all supposed to just wait nine months for this girl to have the kid? Or is he just going to have a woman stand on stage and then wave his arms around and go, “Okay, she’s pregnant now. No really, trust me. Totally pregnant. And it just happened now, not before she got on stage. I promise ... no wait, why is everyone leaving?” Maybe he is going to have the girl pee on a stick. Because, I admit, the whole peeing on a stick angle might actually get me to tune it. Wait, did I just write that?

And what woman is volunteering for this stunt? (Well, I mean, I assume she will be a willing participant. Although, that would be kind of cool if he just started impregnating random audience members.) How desperate do you have to be to have a child that you are turning to David Copperfield? Is in vitro fertilization completely out of the picture?

Are we officially out of magic tricks at this point? The only other big name magician out there, David Blaine, spends his time hanging out in a block of ice or buried alive, which are really more tests of endurance than actual magic tricks. What happened to making stuff disappear and pulling rabbits out of things? Can’t we get back to that?

A good magician is supposed to make you suspend disbelief. You are supposed to sit there in the audience amazed by what you are seeing, not quite believing your eyes. A great magician can make you feel like a kid again. With all of the stress and tragedies we encounter in our daily lives, we all like to believe that there is still magic in the world, even if it’s just for a moment.

All of the magicians out there need to do something soon to save their craft. Otherwise, I’m afraid that poor clown woman is going to be popping a lot of balloons in her act because I just don’t believe anymore.

Random thought of the week:
I try to live my life by one simple rule - never fight another man naked.

Joel Murphy is the creator of Hobo Trashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com