America loves pirates

There have been times in the past when I've been a little confused by the average American. I'm still surprised that America decided Dat Phan was the funniest comedian on Last Comic Standing or that they voted Tamyra Gray off of American Idol. And I've never really understood why Jay Leno gets better rating than David Letterman. But, I've always tried to give America the benefit of the doubt.

However, this past weekend, I think America officially lost its goddamned mind. I'm speaking, of course, about record-breaking opening weekend for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which pulled in $132 million in its first three days.

It's no secret that movie theaters have been struggling lately. Business is down. The movie industry likes to blame the quick turnaround time on DVDs and the increase in Internet piracy (no pun intended). I never really bought into that. I just always assumed that people weren't going to the movies because the films Hollywood puts out suck. I thought people still want to go to the movies; they're simply waiting for a movie worth watching.

It looks like I was right. I just never would have guessed that movie was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I thought people were tired of an endless stream of uninspired sequels and unoriginal ideas. I thought they were fed up with movies that were little more than a marketing gimmick designed to sell toys and round up fast food tie-ins. But Dead Man's Chest is all of those things. It's a movie based on a fucking Disney Park theme ride - and it's a sequel. You can't get much more uninspired than that.

Honestly, I can't see the appeal. When Spider-Man set the box office record in 2002 with $114.8 million, I understood it. Spider-Man was always one of Marvel's most beloved comics and people waited a long time to see him on the big screen. The movie was faithful enough to the comics to keep the nerds happy, the visual effects were top notch and it had a great story. It deserved to hold the record for the biggest opening weekend in history.

Now, I know what you're going to say: "Joel, you ruggedly handsome fool, everybody loves pirates."

And you're right - I am ruggedly handsome. You're also right about the pirate thing. Pirates share a special place in American folklore and any devoted member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will tell you there is a direct correlation between the decline of living pirates and global warming. As a kid, it's fun to dress up like a pirate and pretend you are ransacking supplies from a ship full of English pansies before forcing them to walk the plank. As an adult, it's just fun to put on an eye patch and say things like, "I'm after yer booty."

I think someone could make an awesome movie based on pirates. (In fact, someone already did - it was called The Goonies.) Since I haven't seen Dead Man's Chest, I can't tell you with any certainty if it is a great pirate movie or not. But based on the first Pirates of the Caribbean film, I'm going to guess it's not.

I thought the first movie was okay, but there was nothing in it that really blew me away. Sure, Johnny Depp was great in it, but he's great in everything. Besides, his acting was cancelled out by Orlando Bloom, who is easily one of the most annoying actors out there today (behind Jimmy Fallon, of course). Plus, the whole premise of the movie didn't really interest me. As soon as all of the pirates started turning into skeletons, the whole thing became cheesy and ridiculous. I can handle a bisexual Keith Richards-esque swashbuckler, but somehow the idea of skeleton pirates just doesn't butter my bread.

Maybe I'm missing something. Or maybe I've officially become out of touch with the American public. Either way, you can rest assured that none of my hard earned cash contributed to the movie's $132 million windfall.

I think it will be interesting to see what the future holds for the American cinema. Hollywood executives tend to be an unoriginal bunch, so they will undoubtedly try to find a way to copy Pirates of the Caribbean. It could be fun if we suddenly get a slew of new pirate movies (preferably ones without skeleton pirates). Of course, with my luck, they will just start green lighting more movies based on Disney theme park rides. It's A Small World: The Movie, anyone?

I guess I'll never really figure you out, America. But its okay, I still love you. You're nowhere near as annoying as those smug French pricks and their infatuation with Jerry Lewis or Germany with their love of all things David Hasselhoff. Then again, I'll take a Hasselhoff CD over an episode of the Tonight Show every time.

Random thought of the week:
I know many Americans look down on soccer because the players dive to try to get a call, but how many other sports do you see a player head-butt a trash talker? And who knew there was actually a tough French guy out there?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.