The Three Slutketeers

Everyone rejoiced when Britney Spears finally kicked Kevin Federline to the curb. He had taken our once beloved former Mouseketeer and had turned her into a train wreck. Since she finally came to her senses and filed for divorce, it had been nice to see her looking better and happier.

That might have been short lived, however. It seems that Britney has aligned herself with another talentless sponge - one that might actually be more detrimental to her career than her "FedEx" ever was. I'm talking, of course, about Paris Hilton.

You might not think Hilton and Federline are that similar, but I do. Ironically enough, in this very column four weeks ago, I actually made the following statement: "Everyone bags on Paris Hilton for being famous in spite of the fact that she's never done anything worthwhile, but at least she videotaped herself blowing a guy. What has K Fed ever done?"

Little did I know that Britney, who I'm sure is an avid Murphy's Law reader, would see that line and decide to trade in K Fed for Paris (okay, so I have a hard time believing that Britney Spears avidly reads anything except maybe The Family Circus).

Paris' impact on Britney is easy to see. The two have been seen together at clubs late at night in slutty attire and as best as anyone can tell Britney has abandoned underwear altogether, a trick which I'm sure Paris uses to save time when going through guy after guy. Recently, Britney has been photographed without panties - not once, not twice, but three times.

These two slut powerhouses hanging out together would be dangerous enough, but it seems there is a third party girl in the mix these days too - Lindsey Lohan (who is also no stranger to the panty-less upskirt shot). However, the third wheel in the slut trifecta seems to have an on-again, off-again relationship with ringleader Paris Hilton.

Earlier this week, Lohan sought out reporters and said, "I'm saying this on tape, (Paris Hilton) hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friends house and I didn't know she'd be there, and she hit me, and she hit me with a drink and she poured it all over me and it hurts and it's not okay and ... I'm sorry for everyone who thinks I'm crazy, I'm not ... I'm just trying to act."

Then, the next day, after photos surfaced of The Three Slutketeers laughing in a car together, Lohan issued this statement, "Paris never hit me. She's my friend. Everyone lies about everything. ... Please, stop trying to make us hate each other." Now, bear in mind that she was the one who said Paris hit her in the first place.

And, just when you thought the trio was back on good terms, Paris Hilton reportedly yelled this to Lohan: "You're a fucking coked-out whore; don't ever say you're my friend again!" And, a video even surfaced on X17 with a voice that sounds like Paris yelling, "Tell Firecrotch she's no longer welcome!"

While Lindsey and Paris' conflict screams of high school drama, whether or not the two are actually friends is irrelevant. Lately, these three harlots have been linked in a myriad of stories surfacing on gossip columns. And frankly, it's getting to be a bit too much. Granted, their antics in real life are far more interesting than The Simple Life, Crossroads and Herbie Fully Loaded put together, but they are still hogging up too much of the celebrity gossip spotlight.

I mean, with all of the insults and gratuitous beaver shots, people are missing out on other celebrity's drama. For instance, The Three Slutketeers have greatly overshadowed the news that massive tool Joel Madden, who is in the "band" Good Charlotte (and who is originally from the same county in Maryland as me, but his recollection of life in Waldorf is vastly different than mine), was dumped by his 19-year-old girlfriend, Hillary Duff. But, instead of us all laughing at Joel's misfortune, we are all too busy getting a much closer look at Britney Spears than K Fed has probably had in months.

That's why we need to break up this Axis of Evil. Somehow, someway, we need to separate them. Maybe Lohan can get back to actually filming movies, which would hopefully cause her to go on location somewhere far from the other two. And maybe Britney can go on tour, since she is bound to sell a lot more tickets than Kevin Federline. As for Paris ... well, maybe she can just eat a bullet. After all, it's not like she's really bringing anything to the table.

Let's make this happen. Not just for me, but for all of the lowly C-level celebrities out there who have been left out of the celebrity gossip spotlight for too long. Think of poor Tara Reid, Jessica Simpson and Anna Nicole Smith - just, for the love of God, don't let those three start hanging out.

Random thought of the week:
Is it just me, or does Moon Bloodgood sound like she should be a Bond villain?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.