New Year's resolution

As 2006 came to a close, many Americans took a good hard look at their lives and made New Year’s resolutions. But, me personally, I’ve never been big on making resolutions. For one thing, most resolutions fail – people want to quit smoking or lose weight, but after a few weeks, they quickly fall into their old patterns (only now they feel worse about their bad habits because they tried to change and failed).

And, for another thing, I’m pretty close to perfect, so my New Year’s resolution would be something like “Be even more awesome.” But since I set the bar for awesomeness pretty high in 2006, it would be a difficult feat to achieve. So normally, as I sit there with my champagne on New Year’s Eve, I just give a little wink and a nod to myself in the mirror and toast the coming year without any sort of “to-do list.”

However, this year is different. After doing some reflecting on 2006, I think there is something that needs to be fixed. So, right before watching the ball drop on my television, for the first time ever, I made a New Year’s Resolution - I vowed to do my best to make 2007 free of douchebag celebrities. That’s right, I think this year should feature far less Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Obviously, I can’t do it alone. That’s why I’m sharing my resolution with all of you. I think if we band together, we can make ’07 douchebag celebrity-free. So, light up another cigarette if you want or eat another hearty slice of cherry pie. Your old resolutions are irrelevant. Let’s band together and show these worthless celebrities that enough is enough.

A few weeks ago, I talked about the fact that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears seemed to constantly be linked together in the celebrity gossip pages. I referred to the trio as “The Three Slutketeers” and said we needed to separate them because they were hogging too much of the celebrity gossip spotlight. Since that time, things have only gotten worse. While celebrity gossip in general slowed down around the holidays, these three continued to rack up headlines:

Britney Spears apparently passed out at a New Year’s Eve party (or was just very tired, if you believe her PR people).

Lindsay Lohan’s personal emails surfaced online and they included pearls of wisdom like, “I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite (sic) letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions (sic) on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country” and “Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now.”

And, last and certainly least, the week before Christmas, Paris Hilton was telling people, “I am going to get married. I want a fairytale wedding and Britney’s going to be my matron of honor. She can advise me.” (Britney Spears giving marriage advice to Paris Hilton? Talk about the blind leading the slut with a lazy eye.)

That’s just the beginning. Things are so out of control that Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are having a war of words over … well, who knows what the hell the point of their rants were? I would have cared, but the Three Slutsketeers couldn’t get their shit together long enough for us to find out what Trump and The Frump were suing each other over. And that’s just not right.

And now, even K Fed is trying to insert himself back into the spotlight by inserting himself into one of the other two sluts – Lindsay Lohan. He reportedly sent her a text message saying that the two of them should hang out. Lohan, to her credit, actually wrote back “Why would I hang out with you?”

These four need to be stopped before things get even more out of control. If no one steps in, we could end up with a Kevin Federline-Paris Hilton sex tape … and no one wants that.

Luckily, I can feel the tide starting to turn already. I put in a few calls to my friends over at Jive Records and they are considering dropping Britney from their label and scratching her latest album and I convinced the guy who runs worldofbritney.com to close down his fansite. Then I called Fred Khalilian and convinced him to fire Paris Hilton as the face of Club Paris. That just leaves the other two. K Fed shouldn’t be a problem, since everyone already hates him and he fails at everything he attempts. I imagine he will be broke and sleeping in a dumpster by March. I’m still working on a way to get at Lohan, perhaps I’ll forward her leaked emails to a psychiatric ward and see if I can get her committed.

Together we can do this. 2006 may have been the year of the douchebag celebrities, but we can take back 2007. We can make the world a little brighter, a little happier and a lot more STD-free. Then maybe you can work on quitting smoking.

Random thought of the week:
Seriously, it’s already 2007 - where the fuck are the flying cars?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.