Danger, Will Robinson!

People are stupid. Now, this shouldn't come as a surprise to all three of you that read my column on a regular basis. I've been pointing out general stupidity in our society for a little while now. If you recall, I've given ample examples of why I feel our species is doomed for extinction based on its general lack of intelligence and reasoning.

However, there are those magnanimous souls out there that would attempt to prevent possible candidates for the Darwin Awards from coming to any harm. Or they are trying to avoid lawsuits in case their products are misused. You can make up your own mind on that one, kids. And how do they go about protecting imbeciles from themselves? By implementing the use of the warning label.

Warning labels are interesting things. As far as I know, not a single person takes the time to read one of these labels. Take smokers, for example. There have been warning labels on cigarette packs for years, but do you think that actually has any impact? I have yet to see someone pull a smoke out of a pack and then glance at the warning label and say to himself, "Gosh, cigarettes contain carbon monoxide. That could be bad. I think I'll quit right now."

How obvious are warning labels on most of the packaging out there? Usually, not very noticeable at all. On most items I've scanned quickly, the warnings of potential dangers of the product are usually written in a smaller font than the directions of use, and are printed on the back and lowest part of the packaging. I would have thought that if it were that dangerous for me to pour nail polish remover in my eye, they would let me know in big red letters on the front of the bottle. I mean, if I don't see it right away, how else would I know that it's not a good idea to clean my contacts and eyeballs with it?

You may think that using acetone as contact lens solution is a strange and stupid idea, and if you're one of my faithful readers then I already know that your intelligence is far superior to the cubicle mate to your left. However, apparently not enough people realize the obvious dangers of the items they use every day. In fact, while some warning labels posted on items such as cigarettes, alcoholic beverages, medicine bottles and household chemical containers make perfect sense, there are some warning labels that make me wonder what type of world we are living in that someone somewhere had to be reminded about that. Let me give you some examples:

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." I found this beauty printed on the side of my deodorant can. First, I would have assumed that if you were actually using deodorant, then you should know how to use it properly. But, just in case you are a product of multi-generational inbreeding, the fine people at Proctor and Gamble have clearly written out detailed instructions on how to apply the stink-be-gone. I can only guess that the warning they provided was for the same people that didn't know how to use the product in the first place.

"Do not eat toner." I had to change the toner in my printer at work the other day and I was surprised to find this warning printed on the outside of the foil bag the cartridge is sealed in. Now, I'll admit that I am always willing to be adventurous when it comes to food. There are some excellent dishes I've been served in my lifetime that I loved that were slightly out of the ordinary American diet, like rattlesnake and buffalo. But I can honestly say that I've never once considered the epicurean delights of printer toner. It makes me wonder what happened to cause that warning to be demanded on the packaging.

"Do not turn upside down." This timely warning was printed on the bottom of a box of apple pie. Luckily, when I found this label, the pie was already removed from the box and placed on a nice pie plate. I happened to see the warning when I was tearing the box apart to make it easier to put into my garbage can. My only question with this label was its placement. I would have thought that if you were stupid enough to start flipping the pie over while in the box, you should be forewarned.

"Warning: May contain nuts." On a can of peanuts. I don't know about you, but if you needed to actually be warned about this, then I think you should put the can of peanuts down, find the nearest pharmacy aisle, load up on sleep aids and take a permanent nap.

"Do not use near fire, flame or sparks." This warning confused me quite a bit, considering it was printed on the packaging of a pack of lighters. Because of the obvious dilemma posed between the function of a lighter and its stated warning, the fact that people use lighters every day for various reasons is absolute proof that warning labels aren't looked at. Ever. Or, people really are pathetically stupid and the dichotomous situation is completely over their heads.

"Do not use orally." This was printed on the little plastic tag that came with my shiny new toilet bowl brush. I'll let you draw your own conclusions as to why this warning was necessary.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. There are hundreds of examples of warnings that are so obvious that it hurts my brain to consider the fact that there are actually people out there that need to be reminded of such things. It is frightening to realize that there are probably more people in our society that actually need these types of warnings than I would dare to guess.

I sure hope you're not one of them.

Located under Marie's keyboard: "Warning – Use of a keyboard or mouse may be linked to serious injuries or disorders." Email her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.

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