"Common" courtesy

I hate people. This bit of information should not come as a surprise to those of you who know me reasonably well. I have a generally dislike for the population at large, and it's not because I am some sort of an elitist or that I think I'm better than anyone else. On the contrary, I don't necessarily have that high of an opinion of myself.

What draws my constant ire is the fact that people around me are basically assholes. And the funny thing is, I'm pretty positive that a vast majority of them don't even realize it. There are those supreme fucktards that go out of their way to make everyone else's life miserable, thereby inflating their own worthless ego. But those people are not the ones that annoy me on a regular basis. As they say, it's the little things that get to you; the straw that broke the camel's back. It's the every day discourtesies that somehow worm their way into my subconscious, which in turn influences my attitude for the remainder of the day.

Let me show you a few examples.

Anyone who has to spend any kind of time in a major metropolitan city during normal business hours will come across a teeming multitude of self-centered pricks. There are several categories of said pricks, and many people in the city fall into multiple categories.

Mr. I'm First – These are the people that, no matter where you are or what mode of transportation you choose, they have to be first.

In the case of driving, this particular type of asshole is the one you see weaving in and out of traffic at a breakneck speed, only to find himself at the red light before anyone else. I'm still trying to figure out if you get free coffee if you're the first one there. I'm just not seeing the point of being one car length closer to the intersection. Also, these people tend to not use their blinkers, cross three lanes of traffic to get an exit and block intersections at red lights so no further traffic can pass. The whole mess gets even more interesting during inclement weather. Just because you drive a 6000 pound Escalade does not mean that you are not still in danger of careening off the road when it is wet/snowy/icey/etc. People like this make me want to ditch my nice Jetta and buy a 1972 Ford Explorer Half Ton and dare them to cut me off one more time.

On the train or commuter bus, these are the people that must rush forward right at their stop and trample anyone who gets in the way of the exit. I doubt highly that the train is going to only keep their doors open for three nanoseconds, so why don't you be a peach and let the lady with the cane, who has been standing the whole 35 minute trip, get off the train first? Also, most people who commute on a bus regularly understand that the bus empties row by row, first left, then right, then left, etc. Stampeding from the back of the bus because you can't wait an extra two minutes for everyone else's courtesy just confirms you are the pathetic dickwad we all knew you to be.

Mr. Oblivious – Mr. Oblivious and Mr. I'm First tend to be one and the same in more instances than not. Mr. Oblivious is the person that, no matter how many people are around him, only exists in the small bubble of their own existence. This is the jerkoff that will not hold elevators, hold open a door and who will tread over you while in a mad dash for wherever it is he needs to be at that instant. I'm not saying that if I'm all the way down the hallway you should hold the elevator for two minutes. But if you see me walking quickly, and you know I can make it there if you would just stick your hand in the door for me, don't suddenly have an urgent message on your Blackberry that diverts your attention from my frantic endeavor to get to the elevator. That does not absolve you from being a cocksucker, as if you didn't realize I was trying to get on.

These people also tend not to notice that you are directly behind them and then let a door slam shut in your face. I find it hard to believe that when you approach a large, shiny glass door with your head up that you will not notice my reflection just beside yours. So don't act all surprised when I grumble after managing to get on the elevator with you. You knew I was behind you, so don't pull that "I didn't even see you there" shit with me. Maybe if you took your head out of your ass once in a while you would notice that there ARE other people on the planet besides yourself.

Mr. It's All About Me – This is that special class of asshole that is so self important that the mere idea of anyone else having any kind of merit is unfathomable. He is the ball of sunshine who is screaming at a travel agent because the flight he wanted to upgrade to was sold out. He is moron who can't seem to grasp that there are about a thousand other cars stuck in the same traffic jam that he is in, yet he feels compelled to constantly blow his horn, throw his hands up in the air, curse and generally remove all doubt as to what his personality is really like. Everything has to be just-so with these people. If it is not, then the people that suffer are the secretaries, cab drivers, sales clerks and deli chefs of the world.

And don't let me misguide you into thinking that because of the way I worded my rant that I think only men are guilty of these behaviors. I've seen women who operate under the same parameters, and let me tell you they could put some of the men to shame. So before you send me a bunch of sexist hate email, just know that I think both genders of our species are equally afflicted with a terminal case of mega-asshole-itis.

I have touched on a similar subject before, but I thought this bears repeating because it seemed to me that people kind of expect a certain type of self-centered attitude around the holidays, no matter how contradictory that may sound. And, in times of stress, we can all be a little less than civilized. However, this is directed to the fact that what was once called "common courtesy" just isn't so common anymore. Would it really kill these people to say "after you" or "please" or "thank you" or "I'm sorry" once in a while? Will the world come to an end if they hold open a door, hold the elevator, or smile once in a while?

Maybe I just expect too much out of other people. Perhaps it's time to lower my standards, thereby lowering my blood pressure as well.

Marie really needs another cup of coffee. Pronto. Send her some love at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.

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