WTF part deux

Hello there, my little snatchlings! A couple of weeks ago, just before the gods thought it would be screamingly hilarious to fuck with my computer again, I was on a tear about things that are as useless as Paris Hilton's brain. You know, the things that just ARE, but we can't figure out WHY. I have compiled another list, because, as you know, I have to have an opinion about everything, especially if it's about something that either annoys me or makes me question humanity's true evolutionary progress. And it seems like there just is no end in sight to all the ridiculous things that exist around me that I can find no real purpose for, other than it justified someone's employment at least for a short time. Lucky fucker. So let's get to it, shall we?

Why is it that the very last option to my cell phone's voicemail menu is to press "*" to hang up? I've noticed this trend in other voicemail or automated systems. I mean, even if you do get all the way to the end of the creepy robot message, why not just press the "END" button on your phone and hang up that way? Do people really need a menu option that asks you to press a different key than the one you would normally use to hang up the phone? What does it do, disconnect the call faster? Just hang up the phone! I think that if you're stupid enough to press "*" or "8" or whatever to be disconnected, there should be an electrical shock sent through the phone line to electrocute you. Face it; if you're dumb enough to need to be prompted on how to hang up the phone, you don't need your brain anymore or the phone.

Food labels are starting to worry me - specifically food ingredient labels. I'm getting the impression that the people that make the shit I eat don't have a fucking clue about anything. I've seen labels that say "may contain peanuts" or "may have been manufactured in a plant where peanuts are processed." What the fuck is up with all that "may" shit? Are you trying to tell me you don't know what's in my food or where it has been? Makes me wonder a bit about what I'm eating. The whole thing is even grosser if you look at it in the light of meat processing and packaging. That thought alone is enough to make me return to the vegetarian lifestyle I tried on for size a few years back.

I'm trying to figure out if it's some sick twisted computer gag or if it's just irony that when I'm online I keep getting these pop up advertisements for pop up blockers. That's like getting those spam e-mails talking about programs that can filter your e-mail for spam messages. Neither marketing tactic makes any sense. It seems like a self-defeating task to utilize the very vehicle of advertisement you are working so hard to eliminate from someone's computer. But then again, I've never been of the impression that marketing people have brains to begin with, so I could be expecting too much from them.

I mean, have you been paying attention to print advertisement lately? They can't use proper sentence structure to save their lives. Take a look at magazine and billboard advertisements. Hell, you can even see the problems on TV commercials. Basically anything that has words written on them has a great potential to send every English teacher in America to the emergency room with apoplexy. They have "sentences" that have no subject/verb agreement. Shit, we're lucky if we get both a subject and a predicate in one line. Their punctuation sucks; their grammar sucks; their sentence structure sucks. It's proof that my generation of slackers did way too many drugs in college. Makes you wonder what the world will look when all the kiddies from the "No Child Left Behind" era gets out there. They just might succeed in making George W. Bush look like the Einstein of his day.

I'm of the opinion that 90 percent of the world's population is dumb as doorknobs. But what proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt is the fact that shampoo bottles have instructions on them. I mean, do we really need "lather hair, rinse, repeat if necessary" on these things? And why "repeat if necessary?" Of course you would repeat if necessary. I don't need a fucking reminder. That's like reminding me to put my contacts in my eyes and not on my elbows. And what moron can't get their hair clean the first time they shampoo it? I know if you're working road construction or as a dominatrix and you accidentally trip over your jackhammer and fall into a barrel of hot tar that it might take more than one washing to get all the shit out of your hair. But that's a given. However, if you are actually washing yourself on a daily basis, one go at the shampoo should be more than enough. And if you're not washing every day, then make sure you use your body soap more than once as well. In fact, feel free to use it many, many times over.

So here's the question of the day: Are there enough people out there that had negative outcomes because they weren't prompted to hang up the phone and couldn't figure out how to use shampoo? Are we that moronically stupid as a whole? If that's the case, maybe the contraceptive industry should work harder at making their products 100 percent effective, not just 99 percent effective. Because it seems to me that the one percent of people winning that lottery really shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

Marie would love to get e-mails from her readers. Just click on this link: poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com. When the blank e-mail screen comes up, type your message. When you are satisfied that your message is to your liking, press the "send" button.