So, I'm just curious about the American television viewing public. As someone who doesn't watch a lot of TV, I'm sure that my continued fascination as to what Americans watch on TV might be a bit misplaced. But I'm just astounded not only by what constitutes a season of successful television programming, but that people like that shit enough to bring it back season after season. And the number one puzzle to me is the concept of reality television.
The last time I checked, I watched TV to get away from it all by watching movies or other fictional characters either in comedic or dramatic situations. It was fun because I didn't believe that you could solve a dysfunctional family's problems in 24 ½ minutes, but it was what television was supposed to be: escapism. If I wanted a bit more reality to my viewing, I would watch a game show, educational programming on public television or the news.
But for some reason, what we now call "reality television" is one of the most popular genres of TV, so much so that Fox (that paragon of broadcasting excellence) had it's own reality channel on satellite TV. Call me stupid, but I just don't "get" the concept of reality TV. Why do I want reality when I watch what is supposed to be entertaining television? Hell, reality TV isn't really that entertaining, nor is it really "real." It's not even the obvious problems with whether or not being stranded on a deserted island competing in ridiculous contests to win a nominal sum of money with a large television production crew filming the whole train wreck is truly being "stranded" on a "deserted" island. The whole premise of reality TV is about as dumb as Paris Hilton on a bottle of Valium.
So, for argument's sake, let's talk about a few reality shows and what's wrong with them:
Joe Millionaire
Joe Millionaire is based on the premise that about 20 women will compete in these ridiculous tasks to try and win the "love" of this guy that they believe is a millionaire of some sort, only to find out that he's not worth any more than their latest pair of shoes from Payless. Then, the real twist is whether or not the girl decides to stick with him because she truly "loves" him or take the $1 million consolation prize, begging the "love or money" question. Honey, after watching him sit in a hot tub with several girls climbing all over him at the same time to see who "loves" him more, you're better off with the money. Just because he chose you at the end doesn't mean he'll always remember you as being the one girl that turned him on the most. Go check the divorce statistics in the US. Any woman on that show should be sterilized so as not to continue that stupid of a bloodline.
The Bachelor
Here's another show whose premise is so ridiculous I'm offended that the executives at the station actually thought I would enjoy it. (Hell, 30 million people were supposed to have watched this show, so I guess I'm the stupid one, right?) Supposedly, a young, extremely hot and filthy rich bachelor can't find "love" the "normal" way and has to go on a TV show to do it. Please. If you're THAT rich, I don't care if you admit to wearing women's underwear and having sex with sheep and you're a hunchback with a missing eye. I'll marry your sorry ass so long as our pre-nup says I get 30 percent of everything and unlimited dalliances with the pool boy and tennis coach.
Survivor
I don't care which "remote" location you're supposed to be "stranded" on. This whole series is so stupid that it boggles the mind how much people get into it. Why the hell were we so surprised that Richard Hatch went to jail for tax evasion? He's as stupid as the rest of us! He has not proven he has survival skills by that sorry excuse for airtime. Even his prison sentence will be a joke compared to the time many people have to spend behind bars. I like this scenario that I saw awhile back: Let's have Survivor: Texas. It's where they dress up a young man in a yellow polo shirt, white chino shorts and boat shoes and have him drive across Texas in a pink Volvo that has bumper stickers that read "Kerry ‘06" and "Fuck the NRA - I'm here to take away your guns." If he makes it to the three mile marker, then THAT's a survivor!!
Flavor of Love
This show makes me physically ill. I can understand Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire? and other swill like that. At least you have the hope of millions of dollars to ease your gold-digging conscience. But Flavor Flav??? I mean, come on!!! He can't have enough money to make all that crap those women put themselves through worth it. He'd have to be one RICH motherfucker for me to even THINK about shacking up with him and doing the naughty. In fact, I think I'm going to skip lunch today because just thinking about it is making me nauseous.
Fear Factor
This show pushes the boundaries of disgusting. Sure, there are a few "death defying" stunts where you have to walk from one building to another via a 2x4 wooden plank suspended 500 feet in the air. But seriously, you're wearing padding, a helmet and a LIFELINE!!! You're not going to fall, you stupid twat, so stop your sniveling and get across that stupid walkway. I'd do that a thousand times if I thought it would get me the $250,000 or whatever measly amount they think my pride is worth. But eating worms, bugs, rancid meat and excrement??? You'd have to up the ante a bit before I would even consider it, to like $467.9 billion. And why in the name of all that's holy do they insist on putting this shit on the air during dinner time???
There must be literally thousands of shows I don't have the time to touch on. It's making my brain numb just thinking about the utter lack of redeeming qualities of these shows. Those moronic dumb fucks out there are worried about Janet Jackson's tit being shown during the Super Bowl halftime show should be complaining about shows like Temptation Island instead. As if a sporting event with an entrenched culture of beer-swilling fat neanderthal slobs cursing at the top of their lungs is the paragon of wholesome family entertainment. Just the plethora of beer commercials during a regular season game is enough to send a child off to the Betty Ford Clinic before they are ten years old.
So what's to be done? Nothing will stem the tide of more and more crap like this on television, regardless of what "legislation" is enacted to try and force a more "family friendly" programming, whatever the hell that means. My suggestion is this: Get up of the sofa, turn off the idiot box, and go read a book. It can't hurt you. Hell, it might even help.
Even though she hates reality TV, Marie is still trying to get executives to pick up her reality TV show idea where 30 hot rock stars all vie for her "love" and affection and she has to make the difficult decision as to who gets to stay and who has to go. If you have any connections to the television industry, e-mail her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.
