Let it snow

I went out shopping with my daughter the other day. We had one very specific goal in mind - we wanted to buy ski masks.

You see, we're probably the meanest parents in America. We make our seven-year-old walk to and from school pretty much every day. She gets an exemption if there is rain or snow, and the school district does provide an adult to make sure the kids get there safely.

But the weather has been pretty bitter recently, and she has complained about the wind. I know what she's talking about because I go walking several mornings a week for exercise. I also wanted something to keep my cheeks from freezing when I walked.

We hit a bunch of different stores with no luck. What the hell is going on in this world? No one makes ski masks anymore. Sure, I could find some fairly retarded looking things that actual skiers use, but I'm not paying $20 so my kid and I can look stupid. They also had tons of those hats that have the strings that hand down the side. A kid might be able to pull that off, but it wouldn't keep her cheeks warm. And I look goofy enough without the help of a weird hat. Fighting frostbite isn't that important.

I don't know if I want to live in a country where you can't buy an old school ski mask for five bucks or something like that. Have the convenience store and banking industries conspired to make the product hard to find to try and limit the number of Oxycontin abusers who try and rob them?

None of this would matter if it would just snow already. We have had about half a day of real snow here in the mid-Atlantic. Midway through January, that just doesn't cut it, especially when the temperature insists on dropping below freezing in the morning. They keep telling us it might snow, then jackshit happens and everyone gets doubly pissed off when it's still freezing out.

Cold without snow just makes no fucking sense. The whole phenomenon of freezing temperatures without precipitation will be a major topic of conversation when I have my exit interview with God. If my balls are going to retract inside of me, I better be able to go sledding.

I never had this problem when I was in college. My alma mater, Allegheny College, sits just about half an hour from Lake Erie, which means we got some pretty badass snowstorms each and every year. I know I only lived there for about 10 percent of my life, but it really changed the way I looked at winter weather.

Each year, we got at least one snowstorm in October and one snowstorm in April. Watching the freshmen scramble for warm clothes when it snowed after Spring Break was always a treat. And we're not talking about a quick dusting. We'd get a few inches when everyone thought snow wasn't even a possibility.

One October day, I volunteered to work a varsity soccer game. All my friends played on the team, and the $10 or so I would get running the line with an extra ball would buy a few pitchers of beer. That didn't sound like such a good bargain when an inch of snow fell during the first half. We had no clue a storm was even coming. What made it worse was that the coach never even gave me my money.

But most of the snowstorms during my four years there actually made sense. The constant blanket on the ground made the wind a little less bitter whether you had a ski mask or not.

One time, we got a foot or so and did the only sensible thing we could think of. We took a football and roamed around campus throwing it at people, yelling "FUMBLE" then tackling them. We eventually took our show to dorms and houses where we woke up our friends with a fumble.

After all of that, we retired to our fraternity house, made up some hot chocolate and watched Smoky and the Bandit. The original one. The sequels are shit. And we did all of this without drinking. Honest to God.

I don't think I would go out on a spree like that these days, but I just wish it would freaking snow so I could find something entertaining to do instead of freezing my johnson off every time I walk outside the house.

I wonder if I can find a ski mask for that guy. I think I'll need to look in some different stores this time.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.