Channel Surfing

Katrina and Rita have devastated the south and plunged millions throughout the gulf region into abject poverty. Congress promises to help fund the rebuilding and reconstruction of the area … by cutting money from existing programs, like Medicare and food stamps - programs designed to help the impoverished and devastated.

Americans are paying ridiculous fees for gasoline. Oil companies are literally swimming in cash. The government passed an energy bill a few years back that provided these companies billions in tax breaks, subsidies and sex cruises paid for by money from the public trust … so they could pass the savings on to you.

Roughly five billion dollars a month is being spent on Iraq. Judging from the pictures of the recent election, none of this goes into trash pick-up … but then again how, could you see through all the concertina wire?

Twenty four Neo-Nazis hold a rally in Toledo, Ohio and protesters riot. Louis Farrakhan holds a rally in Washington D.C. to mark the ten year anniversary of the "Million Man March," which goes off with little fan fare and no protesters … White racist: 1; Black racist: 0.

I have looked all over my home today and every single piece of complicated electronic equipment was made in China, which this month just accomplished a manned space mission … for the first time!

Rumors are already swirling on conspiracy web sites that the recent quake in Pakistan was caused by a top-secret deep earth detonation of a U.S. nuclear device in an attempt to kill Osama Bin Laden - Please! Bin Laden was just the cherry on the sundae … The Bush administration was just trying to take the heat off the Gulf Coast tragedy with the "it could be worse" logic … What would make anyone think that four years after 9/11 we would put anywhere near that effort into catching Bin Laden? We haven't yet.

In an attempt to boost their intelligence gathering capabilities, the British are going to make James Bond a blonde.

Congressmen from Hawaii are jamming a bill thorough that would establish what amounts to a "reservation system" for Native Hawaiians similar to what Native Americans already have … yeah, because that program has worked so well.

Speaking of programs that have worked well - every single poll on the planet has Bush's approval rating at less than 40 percent ... to which he responded "Stay the course, Iraq, Hard Work, Iraq, Social Conservative, Iraq, Stay the course." … yeah, you do that, Mr. President.

With indictments and counter-suits flying in Texas, don't be surprised if Tom Delay eases up on his "activist judges" stance. After all, would you want someone that interprets the law or simply follows it word for word?

The conservative vs. liberal debate was taken to the gridiron this weekend with Notre Dame playing the University of Southern California. On the conservative side, we have abstinence-loving Catholics, whose games are overseen by "Touchdown Jesus." On the liberal side, a school renowned for its progressive thought, whose mascot just happens to share its name with a condom company. The liberals won on a last second technicality. I guess everyone can call it even for the 2000 election.

The front page of the Republican National Committee web page has pictures of prominent Republicans … so does the Democratic Party's home page. At least everyone can agree that Republicans are more attractive … probably because they can afford nicer clothes.

And finally, early polls are in and Hillary Rodham Clinton wins in 2008 by a landslide … Fox News appears to be among her bigger supporters judging from the way they won't shut-up about it …

Mental note: Apply for Canadian citizenship …

Brock Tanner does his research for this column in his underwear. He can be found throwing half-full beer cans at the television every time a Fox News Alert plays and its Greta Van Susteren talking about someone "missing." Contact him at brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.