Gas myths

Tonight I ate dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack. My wife and I had an entrée and a beer each (well, the 22 oz. ones that are really two beers in the same glass, but you get the idea). The bill came and the waiter was cool, so we gave him a seven-dollar tip. When I signed the bill it occurred to me that dinner with my wife at a fairly upscale restaurant cost less than buying a tank of gas for my car.

Now, there is no need for me to rehash the whole debate on gas prices, but there are a lot of things that are being spurred by the issue that 1) scare the holy crap out of me and 2) are some of the most ridiculous assumptions I’ve ever heard. Both of these require an incisive and thoughtful examination by a razor wit and brilliant mind, but since no one that fits that description writes the political column for Hobotrashcan, you get me instead.

The issue is so large and complex so I’m gonna make this one a two part deal and I’ll start off with a few of the myths. These are running rampant across news channels and the halls of Capital Hill. They need debunking.

MYTH 1: China and India’s oil consumption is driving up the demand for oil. I’ve scanned all over the place and read up on this. Bottom line, it’s bullshit. The U.S. uses 24 million barrels of oil a day. China uses six million and India takes in a whopping 1.2 million. While this will put some strain on the global market, it didn’t suddenly happen in the last three weeks. It has been ongoing over the last decade. Gas wasn’t $3.00 a gallon two years ago, so something else is going on,

MYTH 2: If we would just drill in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, the price of gas would drop. This is silly on so many levels. First off, no one is even sure how much oil is there, if any at all. Second, even if we approved it today, the first drop of whatever might be there wouldn’t come out of the ground before 2009 and full-scale supply might make it onto the market in 2010. Add all that with the fact that Alaska is one of the must unforgiving environments in the world and gas prices don’t drop they rise because pulling it out of the ground might cost more than it is worth. By the way, just so nobody can accuse me of being a crazy liberal hippie, I just want to go on the record as saying, “Screw the caribou!”

MYTH 3: Once Iraqi Oil production comes back on line, oil prices will drop. Not with a nuclear Iran, a diminishing Saudi supply and a newly resident terrorist population that even with a stabilized nation ain’t going nowhere for a while. Nope, Iraq is going to offer the world very little over the next few years (in more areas than oil, I might add).

MYTH 4: Ethanol should be produced and distributed as an alternative to gas. Look, you can spray Febreeze on a pile of dog-crap, but it is still dog crap. The whole reason that ethanol was bought into was because it is good for the environment (and an incredibly powerful corn lobby). But here is the dirty little secret that no one wants to talk about ... it is expensive to produce and even more expensive to ship. In fact, no one would even produce it if congress didn’t subsidize it. On top of that, part of our current gas crisis is because of a law that went into effect in January that now forces oil companies to mix it in with regular gas and, while I’m not a scientist, some that I trust have explained to me that this process is expensive and difficult. The law went into effect before all the equipment was in place. Look, ethanol is good for the environment, but it is actually worse for our wallets.

The amount of BS being spread in the search for answers goes on for days, but those are the big ones that aren’t a matter of opinion, they can pretty much be backed up by facts. So next time you’re in a bar and some assmunch starts in on any of the above topics, you can set 'em straight and tell 'em that Brock Tanner told you so. Make sure you tune in next time so that you can read about how this is going to effect the political world. For now, I gotta get going. I need to fill up my Escalade and drive down to D.C. so I can laugh at some immigrant protesters that want to stay here and make a better life. Too bad no one is going to be able swing by the Home Depot to pick them up and have them sweat their balls off for three dollars a day. Hell that ain’t even enough to fill up the gas.

Brock Tanner is also an aspiring kept woman ... at least on the fifth Thursday of every month ... for the right amount of money ... inquires can be sent to brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.