Gas myths, Pt. II

So, its been a couple of weeks since I had the chance to pick up part II of the gas story. I know, I know, writing an article on an obscure website for no pay would seem to be an easy task, but when you're drunk six out of seven days of the week it can get kind of grueling. Of course, because of the gas prices, I've had to resort to drink Busch Light and walking to the local corner market which has severally cut into my precious time. But enough about current problems, there are far greater concerns with the rising price of oil than my drinking problems.

First off most, people assume that the only thing they have to worry about is gas prices. Let me let you in on a little secret ... just about everything in the modern world is made from some type of petrol by-product. The keyboard I'm using, the computer you're reading this on. Tennis shoes, cell phones, carpeting, cars, plastic soda bottles ... everything! While most of these industries have a supply for the time being, it is only going to be a matter of time before they all wind up needing more. Why? Because you want it. You know you do. Admit it, you dirty little oil whore. You'll do anything to get it. You'll even ally yourself with one of the most evil nations on the planet just to get a good price. Which is the other thing that scares me.

For years, the only reason we've been involved in the Mideast is because we're junkies that'll drive into the worst part of town and give a Dirty Sanchez to the skankiest whore or dealer just for a hit. While the current Islamist movement that has us all in a tizzy does indeed propagate itself in the disgruntled and poverty stricken youth of Muslim countries, building a bomb gets kind of expensive. So does sneaking into foreign countries on fake documents, training camps, AK-47's and a large variety of other items required to sustain a global Jihad against the infidels. Now here is a shocker - oil and natural gas revenues are funding all this activity from places like Iran, Yeman, UAE, Sudan and yes, Virginia, even our "partners in peace," Saudi Arabia. In fact, there is even evidence that members of the Saudi Royal Family may possibly have bank rolled a small portion of 9/11 (indirectly, of course). So what was our response? We took a hands off approach because, as any abused child will tell you, daddy might beat us, but he also feeds us.

If we were to cut off our addiction to oil we might be able to cut our ties with that God forsaken "Holy Land" and pull our troops out. Maybe then we could get John Murtha and Nancy Pelosi to shut the hell up. For those that aren't up on the current situation, Murtha has now rendered a verdict on the whole Haditha deal. Just look up Murhta and Haditha in Google to get the full story, but ultimately some Marines are accused of intentionally killing civilians. Murtha has come forward and declared them guilty. Mind you, he came to this conclusion before there has been a formal criminal investigation or court martial. Of course, I'm not sure how big of a deal his statements are given that popular opinion and pre-trail statements don't matter much. If they did, O.J., Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson would all be in jail. Oh wait, I guess one out of three ain't bad. But in case you haven't picked up on it yet, I just want Murtha to shut up because I'm tired of hearing about it. And I want Nancy Pelosi to shut up because she is Nancy Pelosi.

I've gotten way off track, but the bottom line is that our addiction to oil contributes to a variety of problems. It is going to raise the price of everything around us, give more money to terrorist, and contribute to global warming both from CO2 emissions and the hot air coming out of Murtha's mouth. But just like any fiend, we'll continue taking in the ass without so much as a reach-around just so we can load the family up in our oversized SUV and drive across the country with the kids crying, wife bitching and dog pissing in the backseat.

Brock Tanner is also an aspiring kept woman ... at least on the fifth Thursday of every month ... for the right amount of money ... inquires can be sent to brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.