A Million Universes – The danger of romantic comedies

Nicole Alexandria

I’m not going to lie and start by saying that the romantic genre of movies doesn’t normally piss me off. They do. Generally I would rather put out a burning cigarette in my arm most of the time then sit through two hours of sappy romantic bullshit that attempts to pull at the heartstrings while creating an unrealistic set of expectations for women. Maybe I’m just not into that type of guy though. I can honestly say I wouldn’t want to date a guy who was overly sentimental and cared about every one of my feelings at every moment of the day and lavished me with beds of flowers. Call me old fashioned but I like my men to be men. If I wanted a whiny, clingy, sparkly vampire type, I’d go lesbian. (Actually that insults a lot of really awesome lesbians I know.)

I am further going to say that I don’t have anything against sad or overly-emotional movies. Actually I am usually drawn to movies that are generally hard to watch, but I go for more independent art house flicks. I will tell you why: they’re well done. The romantic genre, like so many others these days, realized they can waste people’s hard-earned money by being completely mediocre. People have settled into accepting mundane, predictable plot lines and a few cheap laughs because there isn’t much else out there. Movie studios get rich by saturating the market with no other options.

It’s exactly like how American bend over and take paying ridiculous gas prices instead of demanding adequate public transportation systems that you could use as an alternative. They’re public. You’re paying for them anyway. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make your elected leaders use your funds for something you can actually use? Stop just letting the oil companies get rich because it’s easier to just accept it. Stop letting politicians just get elected because you have no other options. It’s an entire chain of people who get rich banking on you accepting mediocrity instead of excellence.

I’m also not stating that people shouldn’t have fantasies. You absolutely should. The problem with the romantic genre however is that there is just enough reality in it to delude viewers into thinking it could actually happen. Generally men know that they aren’t going to get to be Batman. It’s fun to watch superhero’s swing from buildings and kill villains, but that’s never going to be you. The male counterpart to what the romantic genre creates is those guys who watch a lot of porn and start believing that’s reality. Women, this is how stupid you are. You will get Gerard Butler to fall madly in love with you and whisk you away into the sunset of a hot air balloon the day male porn viewers will get Jenna Jameson in her giant fake boob, skinny plastic body glory to orgasm multiple times, every time.

I have never been more convinced that men rule the world than I am now. In less then six months, two movies have come out starring the most popular young actresses of the moment in a romantic comedy that promotes meaningless no strings attached sex with a beneficial friend. I’m not really a feminist, but even I’m saying: “Are you fucking kidding me?” You’re taking the impressionable minds of the girls whom are you target audience and telling them you’ll get that magical loving, caring, committed relationship they so desire by having a lot of sex without any kind of commitment or expectations of a relationship? By causally sleeping around. Wow.

And whats that you say? You don’t end up pregnant with a father denying custody? And you don’t end up with an STD? And he totally respects and secretly really loves you? What I liked about these movies however is that they do somewhat acknowledge that the heroines are crazy. Mila’s advertised as “emotionally damaged” where Natalie’s character is an insecure commitment-phobe who invites an unsuspecting Ashton to her father’s funeral as a first date.

Alright girls. So here’s my unsolicited advice. Go around and have uncommitted sex as much as you want. Whatever rocks your boat. Be safe about it and use protection because most likely he’s getting it somewhere else too. And remember ladies, you’re probably only going to end up with that happy ending from it if you’re hot as ever-living-christ like Natalie and Mila.

Otherwise you’re probably better off with the guy who might not give you a bed of roses, but will listen to you talk about your cats while buying you dinner.