The hairier sex

I like men who don't understand shopping and wouldn't buy $200 designer jeans if their life depended on it. I'm infatuated with men who could care less about public opinion when it comes to politics and reading lists. I like men who are carefree, ambitious and competent.

I don't want a guy who spends more money on eyebrow maintenance than I do. I don't want a guy who spends hours ritually washing his dishes and cleaning his house. I don't want a guy who writes poetry or reads women's magazines and knows to whom "Bennifer" is referring.

Give me a burly, hairy hardass with a penchant for black lacey things, who belches and farts. Well, actually, I'll pass on the gas - but basically, what I'm asking for is a simple - maybe even stereotypical - man.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who confessed that he shaved all of the hair on his body. This friend claimed that all of his past girlfriends disliked his hair. I found it hard to believe that he would even have a lot of body hair, but he insisted that regardless of his Arian-complexion, he was a mass of hairy goodness underneath his t-shirt and jeans. I suspect he didn't know my fondness of hairy men, because I suspect he may have been trying to pull the old seduction routine on me with his tales of razor ecstasy.

I made my viewpoint known, indicating quite clearly that I do not prefer men who look like little boys and more than I would prefer a shaved beagle as a pet. He incited me with the word "repressed" in reference to my preferences, and said he didn't like hair on women, either.

Here's the thing, guys are obsessed with the hair on women. And I'm not just talking about down there. I've heard many men say "I like brunettes/blondes/redheads!" or "I like shaved pussies!" or "I like girls with short/long hair!" I could tell you the hair color preference of most, if not all, of my guy friends. I could also tell you all of the men I've polled, except one, prefer their woman shaved down there. Now, I realize that this is going to get me in trouble with the three percent of guys who don't and the 99 percent of men who just hate generalizations, but I'm going to stick with it, nonetheless. Men are obsessed with hair.

On the other hand, I've never once heard a woman exclaim "I like shaved cocks!" And if she does, she's certainly no more or less repressed than I am in my predilection for the natural coiffure of a male body.

What I suspect is actually closer to the truth is that old dude is actually vain. Vain like a drunk chick who gets her first tattoo and can't stop looking and talking about it - vain in a really annoying, stupid way that makes him think that everyone else is just as obsessed with his physical appearance as he is. There is nothing more grotesque to me than a vain man.

Now, less I become confusing, I'll clarify. There is a difference between a guy who combs his hair, works out, matches his clothes and wears deodorant and a guy who gets hair cuts and manicures weekly, works out in front of a mirror, only wears clothes with the name brand on the outside and has matching Ralph Lauren shower gel, deodorant and cologne. See the subtle, but ever-important difference? A guy who trims his nether-regions gets my props. I get it, it's considerate, thank you. But a guy who shaves so his Johnson looks bigger? I'll pass.

I suspect the mistake is actually two-fold. I'm sure most men have had the girlfriend who taught them everything there is to know about appearance - and perhaps some of them just took it too far. But there's also the more primal reasoning - that is, a guy who thinks "If I'm turned on by red satin thongs and shaved crotches, she must be, too." Many girls are visual, but few are as visual as men. That's why the lingerie department has 500 different bras for women to wear and five thongs for men, all found in the "alternative lifestyle" department. That's because the visual impact of lingerie, regardless of who's wearing it, is predominantly for - MEN.

So chill out, grab a beer, watch some football - and don't itch while the hair starts to grow back in.

Ann Marie Weinert is a Chicago based fashion and pin-up model, as well as Internet radio host for http://annmarieandkaty.com. More of her work can be seen at http://annmarieweinert.com.