Joel Murphy

This week, HoboTrashcan is celebrating its five-year anniversary by bringing back five defunct site features. I wanted to join in on the fun too, so I decided to bring back a part of Murphy’s Law that hasn’t been seen on this site in a long time – “Things that piss me off.” It was a reoccurring feature on this column when I first started out in 2005, but it’s something I haven’t done in more than two years. I hope you all enjoy it.

And, as always, these are in no particular order …

Anniversary presents. If I had been married for five years, I would get an anniversary present. But no one buys you a present when you celebrate your pop culture blog’s five-year anniversary. It’s bullshit. The traditional gift for a five-year anniversary is wood. The closest I’ll come to getting wood this week is ogling Padma’s post-pregnancy breasts on tonight’s Top Chef.

The Nissan Cube. Are you fucking serious, Nissan? This car looks like something the animators behind Rocco’s Modern Life would draw at three in the morning when their hands started cramping up and they really just wanted to go home for the night.

Raw onions, and people’s misguided belief that they belong on sandwiches.

Live action/CGI-ed version of animated series. Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Marmaduke and Scooby Doo all sucked. The live action/CGI Yogi Bear, Smurfs and Bugs Bunny films currently in the works are going to suck too. If you want to make these characters look 3D, then make the entire movie computer animated like a Pixar film. Or just stick with hand-drawn animation and focus on writing a good story (and not Looney Tunes: Back in Action). Fully CGI-ed versions of these iconic characters look creepy and wrong. Oh, and they have dead eyes. The CGI is never very convincing and the real actors eye lines are usually off just enough to make it appear as if they are looking near Scooby Doo instead of right at him. So just stop it.

Everyone who went to see Vampires Suck. $18.5 million in its first five days? Really, America? What is it about Seltzberg’s “Hey, remember this thing?” style of humor keeps drawing you back into theaters? Why do you continue to reward these talentless douchebags? Go watch Spaceballs or Airplane. That’s what a parody movie is supposed to be like. If you keep settling for crap like this, they are never going to make better movies. You are better than this, America.

Channing Tatum.

The scene in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World where he asks Ramona out on a date. When watching a movie like Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I am perfectly willing to suspend disbelief. I can handle the over-the-top video game style battles, the quick cuts that jump characters forward to a new time and place and even the fact that Scott pulls a flaming sword out of his chest in the final showdown. But Scott’s plan to see Ramona again by ordering something off of Amazon makes absolutely no sense. If she worked for UPS or FedEx, I would get it, but when has Amazon ever sent an employee door to door to deliver their packages for them? Do you realize what that would do to their overhead? It’s just not cost feasible, damn it.

(And if you didn’t understand the above rant, you piss me off too for having not seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The World yet. Did you not read my column from last week? It’s a better action movie than The Expendables. Stop rewarding Sylvester Stallone for mediocrity and go see a movie that is actually good.)

Jimmy Fallon.

The wires inside headphone cords that always end up getting bent and stop working properly, forcing you to jiggle them around just right to get sound in both ears.

Qdoba. You may have others fooled, Qboda, but I’m on to your little game. I see you for what you truly are – a cheap knockoff of Chipotle. You are the fast food burrito chain equivalent of those “Rolex” watches you buy from NYC street vendors or the movie company Asylum, who keeps churning out films like DaVinci’s Treasure and The Day the Earth Stopped. I don’t want your meat anywhere near my mouth, you imposters.

Sonic. Why are you such a tease, Sonic? I see your commercials on TV all the time advertising your tasty treats and yet there aren’t actually any Sonics anywhere near me. Why get me excited for the prospect of having girls on roller skates wheeling a breakfast sandwich and an order of mozzarella sticks out to me any time of the day if you’re not around to deliver the goods? Dicks.

The fact that Jimmy Fallon is still on television five nights a week.

Louie. Louis CK is, without a doubt, one of the funniest stand-up comedians alive. His act is brilliant. His show, however, is not. There are times when it is incredibly funny, but it misses the mark just as often as it hits it. I keep watching for the moments that are truly hysterical, but I have to keep sitting through some really bad television to get to them. (Did you really have to devote an entire episode to how much your mom sucks? I get it, you don’t like her and its cathartic to yell at a fictional version of her on television. But it’s not entertaining.)

People who stop in the middle of the aisle in the grocery store, ensuring there isn’t enough space to either the left or right of them and their cart for anyone else to get by.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This one pains me to write, since I love the first three seasons of this show so much. You were great, Sunny. You were an edgy, unpredictable show that managed to make me legitimately laugh out loud several times an episode. But starting with season four, your jokes became forced and your whole act became stale. You started repeating bits like Green Man and the Day Man/Night Man songs just to placate fans. You headed down The Family Guy’s path of mediocrity and, like that show, your popularity continued to grow as your show got less and less funny. What angers me the most is that you make me sound like one of those indie music-loving wankers who turns on their favorite bands when they make it big. I want to still like you, It’s Always Sunny. I want to be happy for your success. But you just aren’t very good anymore.

Every cell phone provider I’ve ever had or ever will have.

Columns that don’t have a cohesive final paragraph that ties everything together nicely in the end.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off

Joel Murphy

We are only one day away from “Batman Day” (which isn’t a national holiday yet, but I’m still working on it), the day when the greatest movie since Citizen Kane is finally being released.

You would think being less than 24 hours away from the greatest day in the history of modern cinema would have me feeling giddy and childlike. In theory, today should be like Christmas Eve, a time to sip egg nog and daydream about the wonderful present the mysterious, chubby-cheeked man from a far away land (in this case, England’s own Christopher Nolan) will be delivering to all of us good little boys and girls tomorrow.

But, as much as I would like to be overcome with bliss at this moment, I just can’t get in to the Batman Day spirit quite yet. Before I can let my troubles roll by and focus on the true meaning on this wonderful holiday, I feel I must purge my soul and get a few things off of my chest. So, in order to get my mind right for tomorrow’s big event, I’m going to dust off an old favorite and share a few things that piss me off.

As always, these are in no particular order …

Having to wait this long to see The Dark Knight.

Robin. Thank God Christian Bale said he would stop doing Batman films if they ever tried to bring in Robin. Taking a hard stand like that to keep this new series of Batman films from heading down rubber nipple highway almost makes up for the fact that the guy playing my beloved Dark Knight was once in Newsies.

Comcast. First of all, stop making up words like “Comcastic.” Just because your company sucks so bad that regular words don’t adequately describe how shitty you are doesn’t give you the right to add new words to our lexicon.

And secondly, kudos to you for the new series of commercials claiming that you are the official cable provider of Gotham City. It is actually rather fitting that Comcast is Gotham’s cable provider – after all, the city is so overrun with crime and corruption that it takes a six-foot-tall man dressed like a bat to try to restore some semblance of order. So the stronghand tactics you use to run smaller cable companies out of business and the villainous tactics you use to screw over your customers would make you fit right in. Here’s hoping once Batman is done with The Joker and Two-Face, he can take some time out of his busy schedule to shove a Batarang up your CEO’s ass.

Jimmy Fallon – especially now that he is taking over for Conan O’Brien.

Buying concert tickets. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point it became impossible to buy tickets to big name concerts online unless you are a ticket broker or you have an inside connection. I tried to buy tickets for the Dropkick Murphys show back in March, but the tickets were sold out before they ever went on sale online to the public. The same thing happened last week when I tried to buy tickets for an Eddie Vedder solo show here in Boston.

In both instances, I did a Google search online and saw that ticket brokers (which is just a fancy name for scalpers) already had tickets, which they were benevolently selling for up to $1,500 (which is only 20 times the ticket price). Why can they get tickets ahead of time, but average fans can’t? When did it become such a scam?

That commercial that keeps telling me to send in my old gold for cash. I don’t have any old gold and if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t send it to you.

Whoever hired Jimmy Fallon to take over for Conan O’Brien.

Automated phone systems. It’s bad enough that I have to wait on hold to speak to someone from India who is trying to talk with an American accent, but still somehow pronounces my name like it rhymes with “Noel,” but having to deal with an automated phone robot to even get to the person from India drives me insane. And Virgin Mobile, don’t think that naming your automated phone robot “Simone” and having her talk in modern slang is doing anything to make me any less annoyed.

Telling me that my call is important to you. Once I get through Simone or whatever other automated phone robot is keeping me from talking to an actual person, then I get to sit on hold for an extended period of time (Virgin Mobile at least has the decency to play good music while leaving me on hold). What drives me insane while waiting is the stupid message that all of these companies feel the need to insert in the middle of the hold music that says something like, “Your call is important to us, please continue to hold.”

First of all, if my call was important to you, you wouldn’t make me run an automated phone gauntlet and then put me on hold for 20 minutes before allowing me to talk to an actual person. So cut the crap and stop pretending like I’m anything other than a dollar sign to you. And secondly, every time you stop the hold music to play that stupid message, it makes me think that I’m going to get to talk to an actual person – so I actually end up more disappointed than I was before you played that stupid message.

The parents of whoever hired Jimmy Fallon to take over for Conan O’Brien.

Xbox 360s. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my 360. Games like Gears of War and Assassin’s Creed are incredibly fun to play and the Xbox Live component is far better than what any other console is offering. If all that wasn’t enough to make me happy, Xbox recently announced a partnership with Netflix that will allow Netflix subscribers to access streaming movies for free via their 360s.

So why do Xbox 360s piss me off? Because I can’t seem to get one that works. When I got one in December of 2006, it was broken before I even took it out of the box. Since then, I have had two more 360 consoles give me a “red ring of death.” Each time, I have to mail the 360 in and wait several weeks for them to send me back a working console. Next time, you bastards are coming to my house and fixing the damned thing while I stand over you with a hockey stick.

Jimmy Fallon’s parents.

Random Thought of the Week:
Happy Batman Day!

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Joel Murphy

It’s a pretty great time of year. Football is back and my beloved Washington Redskins are currently 2-0. After a summer-long hiatus, primetime television is back to being good again (and I finally just watched the entire first season of Heroes on DVD and I’m really looking forward to season two). And, I have already preordered Halo 3 for my Xbox 360 and the online store I ordered if from guaranteed the game would arrive at my house next Tuesday, meaning I get the third installment of a game franchise I love on the day it comes out without having to stand in line with the great unwashed.

With everything going so well for me, you’d think I’d have nothing to complain about. But, if you know me at all, you know that’s not the case. So, this week I thought I’d do some venting so that I can truly enjoy all of the wonderful things I mentioned above. That means I’m dusting off an old favorite and sharing all of the things that piss me off …

(And, as always, these are in no particular order.)

Dane Cook. While Britney Spears meltdown has been well documented in the tabloids, it seems like no one is talking about what a train wreck Dane Cook’s career has become. First, he came out with a reality show on HBO that revealed what a truly insecure douchebag he is in real life. Then, allegations surfaced that he stole material from funnier comedians like Louis CK. Cook followed that up with a string of unfunny movies. But, the final nail in the coffin of Cook’s career came earlier this month when he released an emo song called “Forward,” which was unintentionally funnier than anything he’s done in years. He really needs to go away now before I start wishing a painful, violent death upon him that ends with him in hell being “superfingered” by Satan.

The fact that two cookies are considered a serving. Who only eats two cookies at a time?

Those Visa commercials where everyone is dancing and spinning around using their Visa cards, then someone ruins it all by paying for their purchase with cash. I don’t care how convenient your new credit card machines are Visa, if using your check card requires me to prance around like I’m in an Andrew Lloyd Webber play, I want no part of it.

Any time “some assembly is required.”

The complete lack of original ideas. In previous columns, I’ve mentioned my distaste for the excessive amounts of remakes and sequels Hollywood churns out, but it seems like the film studios aren’t the only ones running out of original ideas. Our society has gotten so unoriginal and boring that news stations had to bring back O.J. Simpson to fill their 24-hour news cycles. Much like the lame sequels Hollywood produces, “The State vs. O.J. Simpson, Part II” is bound to be a letdown. With Johnny Cochran dead, even if they can get the rest of the supporting cast to sign on for the second installment, there is no way they can recapture the magic of the first O.J. trial. Even the story isn’t as good – robbing guys at gunpoint to get your memorabilia back just isn’t as exciting as murdering two people. Perhaps cameos by Leslie Nielson and George Kennedy and a surprise ending on par with the shocking “Not guilty” verdict from the original trial will be enough to keep part two from being a complete letdown, but I don’t have high hopes. I think I’ll just wait and add the trial’s DVD to my Netflix queue.

Paper cuts.

The fact that Perez Hilton, TMZ and Chris Crocker all have TV deals.

The Rock’s movie choices. Admittedly, Hulk Hogan set the bar fairly low for wrestler turned actors by starring in movies like Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando, but Governor Jesse Ventura raised that bar by uttering the classic “I ain’t got time to bleed” line in Predator. The Rock had a promising start to his career with films like The Rundown and Walking Tall, but he’s now starring in a career-killing Disney movie called The Game Plan. His career would have been fine if he followed the action star path blazed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stalone, but instead it seems like Dwayne Johnson is getting his career advice from Vin Diesel.

Using public transportation … especially on Boston roads.

Plot inconsistencies in television shows. As much as I loved season one of Heroes, I’m still trying to figure out how Peter Petrelli got a scar across his face five years in the future when he has the ability to heal himself.

Jimmy Fallon.

The John Kerry taser incident. (If you haven’t heard about it, you can see the video here.) Watching that video makes me worry about the state of free speech in this country (if you think I’m overreacting, just ask Sally Field). And, John Kerry’s failure to do anything to stop the security guards from using excessive force on the college student just proves all of the critics who called Kerry spineless right. Some people have said that the kid deserved what he got because he is an asshole, but assholes still have the right to free speech too. That’s kind of the point of free speech. Of course, all of that being said, the part where the kid says “Don’t tase me, bro” makes me laugh out loud.

Random Thought of the Week:
Hayden Panettiere allegedly threatened to kill an Us magazine reporter because of a story on their website saying that Hayden broke up with her boyfriend. Maybe she assumes that if she gets the death penalty for first-degree murder, her body will just regenerate.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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By Joel Murphy

(In no particular order.)

Christians who boycott Halloween because it is the “devil’s holiday.” Sure, Halloween is based on a Pagan holiday, but so are Christmas and Easter. Halloween isn’t evil – it’s an excuse to wear a silly costume and get free candy. Lighten the fuck up.

The fact that Fox keeps pushing The Simpsons Halloween special back until the week after Halloween. Look, it’s cute that baseball is still around despite the fact that Bud Selig is incompetent, everyone is either juiced up on steroids or using pine tar and most Americans don’t care about the sport because it’s not football. But, can’t they at least fix it so that it doesn’t screw up The Simpsons? Plus, the World Series didn’t go to game seven, so they actually could have aired the Halloween special this past weekend anyway.

Politics.

Kevin Federline. Turning Britney Spears into an unattractive mess while sponging off of her fortune is one thing. But, why can’t he just do it quietly? Why does he feel the need to record a rap album? Why did he show up on WWE Raw (at least he got booed worse than Sgt. Slaughter when he turned on America during The Gulf War)? Everyone bags on Paris Hilton for being famous in spite of the fact that she’s never done anything worthwhile, but at least she videotaped herself blowing a guy. What has K Fed ever done?

People who bought Kevin Federline’s album. Sure, his rap CD is currently only ranked 1,908 on Amazon.com’s sales chart, but that still means that some people are actually buying it. Are these people buying the wrong CD on accident? Are they masochist? I refuse to believe that he actually has any fans.

Shaun Alexander’s broken foot and it’s impact on my fantasy football season.

The car that parallel parks itself. Unless the car also has William Daniels’ voice and says things like “Danger Michael,” I’m just not interested. Besides, today the cars are parking themselves, tomorrow they are trapping us inside using the automatic locks, then forcing us to do their bidding. I’m sure it’s probably wonderful to be able to sip your soy mocha latte while your car parks itself you pretentious Lexus driving toolbox, but will it really have been worth it when the robots have taken over and we are all living in a Terminator 3-style post-Apocalyptic world?

The fact that HBO puts episodes of The Wire On Demand a week before they actually air them. That’s great for all of the people who have cable, but it definitely screws over me and anyone else who has DirecTV.

The service at Wendy’s. I seriously doubt “Dave’s way” is making me wait in line for 20 minutes because you only have one cashier working. It’s clear that your employees don’t have a sense of urgency about preparing my meal, but it is called “fast food” for a reason.

The names of cell phones. KRZR? Chocolate? Are you kidding me?

The special effects on Lost. It’s one of the best shows on television, so why not give them a bigger budget for special effects? That way, I wouldn’t have to watch an incredibly fake looking CGI polar bear or a cloud of black smoke slamming Echo into a tree in a Road Runner-like fashion.

People who don’t understand how a four-way stop works. If you and another driver pull up to the four-way stop at the same time, the driver to the right of you has the right of way. And, if there are a lot of cars waiting to go through the four-way stop at the same time, it doesn’t work like a traffic light – when the guy in front of you goes through the stop sign, you don’t get to follow him. You have to wait for the other three cars to go first. Obviously, you didn’t pay attention in driver’s ed, but you do get the concept of taking turns, don’t you, you self-centered asshole?

Black licorice.

Nip/Tuck. The show has always been crap TV, but at least it used to be enjoyable. Now, it is so over the top that there is a baby with claw hands, a dwarf who is in love with Julia and a whole season-long story arch about kidney thieves (and no, I don’t mean Free Dominguez). Plus, they go out of their way to ruin the best character on the show, Christian, by making him in love with Sean and having him bang Rosie O’Donnell. Did Julian McMahon sleep with a writer’s wife or something?

Day Break. This new show starring Taye Diggs is nothing more than a blatant rip-off of Ground Day. While the irony of copying a movie where the same thing happens over and over again is quite comical, it doesn’t change the fact that this is a terrible idea.

Jimmy Fallon.

Random thought of the week:
Bob Barker announced that he will retire from The Price is Right after 35 years. Once he is gone from daytime television, who will help control the pet population?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Joel Murphy

Since today is already a day of love, I thought I would do my part to spread around a little hate. So consider this my noble effort to help maintain the cosmic balance of the universe.

And, as always, these are in no particular order …

Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, this holiday is nothing more than some lame excuse by the capitalist charlatans at Hallmark and Hershey’s Chocolate to line their corpulent pockets with even more cash by targeting the naive and ignorant! In other words – I’m single.

Cupid. What exactly is supposed to be romantic about a fat guy in a diaper that shoots people with arrows?

Banks. They have to be the biggest scam in the world. All banks do is find ways to take your money from you. They charge you ATM fees every time you want to get your money out, they charge penalties if you don’t keep enough of your money in the bank and they constantly find new and exciting ways to chip away at your hard earned cash bit by bit. Plus, their hours are never convenient for anyone with a regular job and they don’t even have the decency to be open on Sundays. Who do they think they are, Chick-fil-a? Tell me again why I shouldn’t just keep all my money under my mattress?

Bills.

The guy who tries to pump out the crowd at sporting events. You’ve all seen this guy, I’m sure. He turns around and faces everyone else in his section, usually with beer in hand, and waives his arms up and down in hopes of getting everyone else to cheer. It must be some sort of alcohol-fueled douchebag need to feel important to the game. Unfortunately for him, most teams already have people ready to lead the crowd in cheering – they wear cute little outfits and wave around pom poms (and sometimes fool around with each other in the Banana Joe’s bathroom). So sit your drunk ass down.

Bowling. I find the game to be boring and repetitive and I hate having to put on a pair of shoes that hundreds of other sweaty people have worn. I am not any good at bowling, nor do I have a desire to be. Yet, every so often, people will try to make me go bowling by promising it will be fun and non-competitive. Of course, if I cave in and go, they get ultra-competitive and spend all night trying to give me pointers on improving my game.

How fast the whole SNL “Lazy Sunday” thing was driven into the ground.

Text messaging. I love technology. I absolutely can’t imagine life without my video iPod and I dream about owning Tivo. Plus, I’m online a lot – sending emails and chatting via IMs. But I absolutely can’t understand the appeal of text messaging. I took a typing class in high school so that I could learn how to use a keyboard effectively, so why would I want to waste my time typing the number two key three times on my phone just to write the letter “C”? Besides, I have a cell phone in my hand – why am I not just calling someone to communicate with them?

The Olympics. The last interesting thing to happen in the Winter Olympics was in 1980. Now, it would be a miracle if anything even remotely interesting happened.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Stamps. Why does the Post Office feel the need to continually raise the price of stamps in two or three cent increments? Just make stamps fifty cents already and leave it alone.

Good Charlotte. Not only are they from the same county as me, their lead singer has the same first name as me. But, outside of those two things, we have absolutely nothing in common. Their music sucks and their Joel is a whinny loser who tries to pick fights with anyone who badmouths his girlfriend, Hillary Duff. He even got his brother Benji to write a mean blog about Kelly Clarkson after she joked about a feud between her and Duff. Sort of ruins their rock street cred.

Jimmy Fallon.

The way ABC promotes Lost. They have one of the most popular shows on television, so I’m not sure why ABC does everything in it’s power to piss off it’s fanbase. Their promos are either misleading (like when they made it seem like Jin spoke English, but the clip was really from a dream sequence) or give too much away (like when they kept hyping up that a cast member would die, pretty much telegraphing that it would be Shannon) and they stretched out last season as long as they possibly could, only running new episodes like once a month. I know you aren’t used to having a successful show, ABC, but stop trying to ruin it.

The movie companies. Everyone knows that box office numbers have been steadily dwindling year after year. The movie companies try to blame this on people pirating movies on the Internet. First of all, how many people do you know who actually stopped going to movies altogether and only watch films on their computers? The downloads take forever and the video quality is usually poor. The real reason people stopped going to movie theaters is because the movies suck. Stop making lame sequels and remakes of bad television shows and people will start going to the theater again. And some of them will probably sit behind me in the theater and talk the whole time. That shit always ends up happening to me.

Random thought of the week:
Have you ever seen an interview with Harrison Ford? The man was Indiana Jones and Han Solo in Star Wars, yet listening to him talk about his life and career is on par with watching paint dry. How is that possible?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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