Sex Panthers

There is no Note to Self this week, so I felt obligated to catch all of you up on some important football news (since all of the real sports reporters are busy talking about Terrell Owens).

Now, as many of you probably already know, the Carolina Panthers destroyed the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday, 34-14. But, it seems like the real action took place the night before the game, when two Panthers cheerleaders allegedly had sex with each other in a Tampa Bay bar’s bathroom stall and were later arrested after a confrontation with other bar patrons and police.

Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested early Sunday morning at Banana Joe’s (what an interesting name) in Tampa’s Channelside district. Witnesses claim that Keathley and Thomas were having sex with each other in one of the bathroom stalls, when other patrons began getting upset because the two were taking too long in the bathroom.

Now, you’ll notice I said “witnesses claim” and “allegedly had sex with each other.” This is for two reasons - one, I really don’t feel like getting sued and two, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about what exactly happened in the bathroom stall. After all, they could have just been practicing the human pyramid. How can we really know what took place behind that closed door? It's not like we have any video evidence. Oh, if only there was video evidence ...

According to reports, one woman waiting in line got in an argument with both of them, so Thomas hit her in the face. Keathley, who reportedly was so drunk she had trouble standing, was arrested later that night after allegedly being rude and belligerent with police. She was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing or opposing an officer.

But the fun doesn’t stop there. When Renee Thomas was arrested, she gave the police a fake name. She reportedly claimed she was Kristen Lanier Owen, another one of the cheerleaders on the Panthers’ squad. Not as creative as pretending her name was Ron Mexico, but still a pretty valiant effort on her part. Thomas was initially charged with one count of battery, but police later charged her with giving a false name.

Keathley and Thomas were bailed out later Sunday morning by their fellow cheerleaders (although, something tells me Kristen Lanier Owens might not have made the trip down to the police station. Honestly, if one of my friends ever got arrested and then gave the police my name, I think I’d let them wait it out in prison). The squad, which only performs at home games, made the trip down to Tampa on their own.

Okay, first and foremost, I think what troubles me most about this story is that the two were having sex in a the bathroom of a bar. No, I’m not some sort of prude. Like most guys, I really enjoy the thought of two cheerleaders engaging in the tender act of lovemaking. In fact, I believe I've watched one or two Cinemax After Dark films based on that very premise.

No, what bothers me is the location. A bathroom stall in a bar? Have you ever been in a bar’s bathroom? They are usually incredibly disgusting. It seems restroom cleanliness is never one of the bar owner’s top priorities. I hate using a bar’s bathrooms for it’s intended purpose, let alone hooking up with someone. Why not go back to the hotel to fool around? Or maybe they could take a boat out on Lake Minnetonka. Better yet, they could come over to my house. I have the NFL Sunday Ticket on Direct TV and I never complain when my guests spend a long time in the bathroom.

Or, if they just absolutely couldn’t keep their hands off each other for another minute (and, if that was the case, God bless ’em), why not just sneak into the men’s room? Women have been sneaking into men’s rooms at sporting events for years now, so it’s not like the concept should be that strange to them. Plus, I simply can not imagine the male patrons would have gotten all that upset about the two of them using one of the stalls, no matter how much time they were taking in there. Guys would go to the bathroom outside behind the dumpsters before breaking up any hot girl-on-girl action.

I heard an unconfirmed report that upon hearing about the incident, Washington Redskins H-back Chris Cooley requested to be traded to the Panthers. (Now, I realize that joke is only funny to a few people. The rest of you can get caught up to speed here.)

I really hope things work out for these two though. I'd hate to see them kicked off the squad for their actions or, worse yet, sentenced to any jail time. Let's just hope that the prosecutor choses not to "be aggressive ... be, be agressive."

Random thought of the week:
If you haven’t seen the video for Molotov’s song “Amateur,” you are really missing out. Not only is it a Spanish rap cover of Falco’s classic “Rock Me Amadeus,” the video is all about an incredibly pale white kid named Fabio who is training for a hot dog eating contest. I’m pretty sure someone smoked a lot of pot before greenlighting this one.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably the reason why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at: murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com