Fixing the Oscars

I think the excuses started before the show even went off the air. Right away, people started telling us why the horrible rating for this year's Oscars didn't mean the movie industry had lost touch with the viewing public. In the end, we all know the truth.

They are so full of shit.

I didn't watch one minute of the Oscars this year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I watched the show for any significant amount of time. I really like Jon Stewart and find him very funny, but even he couldn't reel me into that trainwreck. What's the good of sitting through 10 minutes of crap to hear him tell two minutes of watered-down jokes?

Luckily, a lot of other Americans agreed. An audience of 32 million would give producers of most shows a boner, but the folks at the Oscars have no clue how to react to their dwindling audience. They blamed all kinds of things, saying the writers' strike kept people from tuning in. Yeah, if the writers had settled a week earlier, I would have definitely tuned in.

Do they really think we're idiots? This isn't a one-time thing. The Oscar audience has slowly dipped in the past decade or so. The show has lost 20 million viewers since 1999 when James Cameron united the movie-going audience against him by masturbating his ego on stage with each win for Titanic.

Even though I think Cameron is a douche and had questions about how people would react when I told them I liked Titanic, I couldn't wait to watch that year's Oscars. Not only was Titanic relevant and popular, that was the same year Good Will Hunting came out. In other words, the movies nominated didn't suck.

I shouldn't speak that harshly about this year's nominees mainly because I have no freaking clue if they were good or not. I do know Juno was pretty cool, but I don't even have an idea of what the other movies are about, much less whether they would be worth watching. I'm sure they are fine pieces of cinema, but when the Academy starts rewarding esoteric, emo crap, they lose people who really like to go to the movies.

Each year, I do my own version of the Oscars on my site based on the movies I saw last year. This year, Knocked Up won Best Picture in a very close race with Superbad. We didn't see Juno until this year so it will have to wait to get its accolades. It has a tough road ahead - only juvenile comedies have won "The Brians" in the past.

I don't expect the Academy to follow my lead, but they could loosen up a bit. One of the things I like best about the Emmys is that they recognize drama and comedy need two completely different awards. I won't tune in to see Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill tell some shitty jokes someone else wrote as they present an award, but I'll watch to see what happens if Superbad wins Best Comedy. A few dick jokes would really make the show more watchable.

They also need to realize that cable television exists. I know they want to recognize the technical awards and the people behind the scenes, but if the NBA can put the freaking All Star Game on TBS, I think the Best Sound Editing can go on Bravo or Lifetime or some other shit. Make the show about the best of what people care about, keep it short, and more of them might tune in.

They can accomplish all that by letting the host step on a few toes, focusing on the mindless gossip bullshit that people love and not bogging down the show with horrible renditions of the nominated songs. Show a short video or something and be done with it. We don't get to see long segments of the nominated movies, so why should the songs get such special treatment?

I don't see why the Academy feels the need to take up three or four hours of people's lives in order to make themselves feel better. How would a two-hour show focusing on more popular films without a lot of extraneous bullshit upset people watching at home? And if they're worried about bruising egos in Hollywood, throw an extra Wii or Gucci bag in the pile of goodies they get. They'll survive.

But what do I know? I'm just a guy who spends money to go to the movies.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.