John Roberts, Big Government and duct tape

After watching several hours of television this week, I learned three things … John Roberts has no opinions, Republicans now embrace "Big Government" and "we should all stock up on duct tape." That was it. That was all that happened all week long. In fact, I got so bored that I sat around practicing Kabala and building beer pyramids in my underwear. Okay, you got me, I build beer-amids in my underwear even when I'm not bored, but the Kabala thing is strictly a by-product of nothing to do. I swear. No, really! Actually there was a lot going on this week in politics, but none of it is of any consequence.

Take the John Roberts confirmation hearings for instance. I could sum it up in two words - "no comment." When asked about his opinion he repeatedly deflected questions so well that you'd think he had and "S" on his chest. I mean really, we didn't learn a single thing about the guy or his views on much of anything. A lot of people pointed to his writings when he worked for the Reagan administration as a sign of his evil underlying motivation to take the court deeper into the abyss of social conservatism. Others paid him his fair due as an honorable and unwavering moral beacon in an otherwise corrupted judicial system. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

First, can legal writings from 20 years ago (which he was paid to write) really sum up what he believes? Could it be that he was asked to find a way to legally justify a pre-determined position regardless of his personal position on the subject? I think it is very likely. Plus it was 20 years ago. Hell, 20 years ago, NEON T-SHIRTS WERE IN STYLE! Sorry, didn't mean to scream, but a lot has changed in this country in 20 years and to assume that any of us look at the world the same when we're 30 as we do when we're 50 is just downright stupid.

Second, by not saying anything, he said volumes. His response over and over again was "I'll have to hear the case argued in court." Abortion? In court. Gay Marriage? In court. Under God? Yep, you guessed it, he wants to hear the merits of a specific case first.

Wow, you mean we might get a judge that would like to judge on the merits of a case as opposed to his political beliefs? Well, by all means, lets beat the hell out of the guy because it must be some sort of parlor trick. What all this adds up to though was two cases of beer and five days of my life wasted by watching Judge Napolitano explain Latin phrases on Fox. Overall, not worth watching.

The Republicans jumping on the "big government" bandwagon though was an interesting sight. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, it has long be a part of the Republican belief system that large social welfare programs and "Big Brother" helping hands were the work of the devil, or at least FDR, and must be opposed at all cost since it requires tax dollars and taxes are bad, mmmkay. But there he was just a few days ago, the leader of the Republican party and numero uno on the "I'm-more-conservative-than-the-pope" fan club roster, George Bush, announcing that the federal government would become more, not less, involved in emergency crisis management and relief. This was in addition to laying out plans to rebuild the city of New Orleans with federal funds. George Will was rolling in his grave. What's that? George Will isn't dead? Really? He looked like it the last time I saw him on Meet the Press. But, honestly, all the President's announcements are hollow because nothing will really change. How do I know? Two words: duct tape.

In the wake of the FEMA meltdown, David Paulson was named to take over the Federal Emergency Management Agency in an acting capacity. If Paulson sounds familiar, it might be because you watched Fight Club one two many times. But Meatloaf's character's name in the move was Robert Paulson, not David, and he had "bitch tits," not a mustache. No, David Paulson may sound familiar because he led FEMA's emergency preparedness force from 2003-2004. And in case you haven't put two and two together yet … Paulson was the guy that recommended everyone stock up on duct tape in the case of a chemical attack. That's right, he made a total ass out of the entire government's terror response system and now he is running the agency responsible for actually responding to catastrophic events. In related news, tape maker 3M released a hearty fourth quarter earnings statement.

So really after all the beer, all the Fox News Alerts, and all the little red strings I tied around my wrist this week, things remained pretty much par for the course. That is, of course, except for the Kabala … Next week I start attending my Scientology meetings again. Tom Cruise is so much smarter than Madonna anyway.

Brock Tanner does his research for this column in his underwear. He can be found throwing half-full beer cans at the television every time a Fox News Alert plays and its Greta Van Susteren talking about someone "missing." Contact him at brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.