Bacon and Legs – A Breakfast Club Breakfast

Fontina Turner

Fontina Turner

I’m not sure if I just spend too much time thinking about food or if everyone felt this way: but why the fuck didn’t they have breakfast during The Breakfast Club? They had lunch. It was an all-day detention. Mind boggling. Anyway. To celebrate fall and the kids being back in school, I present to you: A Breakfast Club Breakfast. I’ve got something for everyone.

For Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) our favorite nerd, I’ve got a Standard Regular Breakfast. Much like his Standard Regular Lunch of PB&J with the crusts cut off, we’ve made him two eggs, sunny side up, bacon, toast with the crusts cut off and apple juice. Shaped into a smiley face to send him off to detention the right way.

I feel like Andrew (Emilio Estevez) was an easy one. As the athlete and needs to pack away huge amounts of food for his next wrestling weigh in. I made a delicious calorie bomb of a Protein Milkshake.

Ally Sheedy played the best basket case ever. Everyone remembers her lunch because she crunched up Cap’n Crunch onto white bread and poured sugar all over it like a lunatic. A beautiful, wonderful lunatic. So for Allison, I make: Sugar and Cap’n Crunch Encrusted French Toast.

Claire (Molly Ringwald). The Princess. She’s the kind of girl you can tell is going to be fat when she’s older. Let’s give her some carbs so she can start pushing maximum density right away. I’ve taken her delicious lunch of sushi and turned it into a Sushi Bagel Sandwich. (Plus, a health note, please don’t eat sushi that has been sitting in your backpack in the library all morning.)

And Bender (Judd Nelson)? Bender’s too cool for food.

Don’t you … forget about breakfast.

The Brain’s Standard Regular Breakfast


  • 2 eggs
  • salt and pepper
  • 2 slices of bacon
  • 2 slices of toast
  • butter
  • apple juice

Cook your bacon how you like it. Extra crispy? I think everyone has their own way of making bacon. But if you’re asking me for a recommendation, I cook it in a bacon tray in the microwave. I get perfectly crispy bacon every time.

Follow that up with your eggs. Spray a skillet with cooking spray. Crack your eggs into a skillet, preheated over medium heat. Salt and pepper. Cook until the egg whites are cooked through.

Toast your toast. Butter it and cut your crusts off. Serve everything up in your favorite face shape with a glass of apple juice.

The Athlete’s Protein Shake


  • 2 large bananas
  • 1 cup Greek honey yogurt
  • 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
  • 1 cup 2% milk
  • 2 cups ice
  • Protein powder (optional)

Place all of your ingredients in a blender. Blend. Shove a straw in the blender and start sucking.

The Princess’ Sushi Bagel


  • 1 bagel, toasted
  • 3 tbsp cream cheese
  • several slices of smoked salmon
  • cucumber, julienned
  • carrots, julienned
  • avocado, sliced
  • sesame seeds
  • soy sauce

Spread your cream cheese on your bagel, half on the top, half on the bottom. Layer your salmon, cucumber, carrots and avocado slices. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and drizzle a bit of soy sauce on top. No chopsticks needed.

The Criminal’s Cigs and Coke


  • Cigarettes (or Candy Cigarettes)
  • Coke

Harass others. Be an asshole. Warm up at the end.

The Basket Case’s Sugar and Cap’n Crunch Encrusted French Toast


  • 4 slices of white bread
  • 1 cup Cap’n Crunch, crushed and crunched to bits
  • 1 tsp sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tbsp milk
  • 1 tbsp cinnamon
  • butter
  • syrup

In one bowl, mix your cereal and sugar. In a second bowl, beat eggs with milk and cinnamon. Soak each piece of bread in your bowl of wet ingredients. Next, coat in the cereal and sugar mixture.

In a skillet, over medium heat, melt 2 tbsp butter. Cook your coated pieces of bread in the skillet.  2-3 minutes per side, until light brown and crispy. Add more butter as needed. Cook all of your pieces until you have a huge stack of awesome. Serve with syrup.

Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at

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